There are three issues that can turn a roommate relationship ugly: splitting expenses, housekeeping chores and roommate’s BF/GB overstaying their welcome. I have already covered how to handle splitting expenses and housekeeping, it’s now time to tackle the biggie that has brought an end to many a beautiful roommate relationship -how to hang out with the BF/GF without breaking up with your roommate.
Okay, we’ve all been there. You’re at the end of a date (or a raging party) and you’d like to say “Wanna come up?” Or you’ve gone over to your boyfriend’s house so many time this past week they’re gonna start charging you rent. But before you invite your significant other over (potentially for hours and days) you just have to check with the roommate first.
And how long is too long to have them over? Like, can you watch the entire first season of Breaking Bad? Or do you have to keep it to one episode of New Girl? Does that candlelit home-cooked dinner for two have to be at 4:30p.m, so as to not disturb your fellow apartment dweller.
Here are three simple rules to maintain a healthy relationship on both ends:
1. Plan Plan Plan. If you want your boyfriend to come over on Saturday so you two can be super cute and cook dinner and then watch Julie & Julia, be polite and ask your roommate a week in advance. Yep, a week. Sorry, there’s no real spontaneity when you share a house. (Really the amount of notice you give your roommate depends on what you talked about when you made a roommate agreement. You did make one of those, didn’t you?)
2. It’s okay to say no. Let me repeat that: It’s okay to say NO. When your ladyfriend assumes that she can lounge on your couch and watch reruns of The Bachelor while painting her toenails, you can gently let her know that’s not cool with your roommate. This is great because you have someone to blame it on and you can just shrug your shoulder and give her sad eyes and then she will just have to forgive you. And um, while she’s at it, can she just get all her hair removal devices out of the bathroom? Just remember, it is NOT okay for your SO to take over your space. Unless he or she is paying rent, you must constantly remind yourself, she doesn’t live there. Therefore, she may not, ever, use the space as her own.
3. Use your head. I know you’ve got one, so use it. Put yourself in your roommate’s position before asking him or her something silly, like “Can my boyfriend and his friends do their annual PONG tournament here next Saturday?” That’s just silly. Come on people, have a little decency. Plus your roommate probably does not want hang out with your boyfriend. So don’t invite him on all your outings. That’s weird. I can’t repeat this enough: RESPECT YOUR ROOMMATE. If you don’t, you can bet your ass when they get a boyfriend or girlfriend, they won’t respect your privacy either.
Anybody have any stories of roommate/significant other screws ups? Please share!
Photo credit:Ambro / FreeDigitalPhotos.net
So, I feel terrible! My roomie is a partier and brought her new guy over for the weekend. He is a nice guy and I’m happy for them. I would never do anything to mess that up. Apparantly I had too much and crashed on the couch in the living room with my shirt off and left the cat on the deck. Then that Sunday she apparantly was pissed that I wasn’t wearing a bra around the condo and apparantly burnt her bfs food or something… I never do stupid stuff like this… now they broke up and she seems to be blaming me but won’t tell me why they broke up. I’m so… confused… please advice…
I met my boyfriend 20 years ago, back then we just got it on and that was that. I met him a few times after that since the sex was the best ever.
Then one night I ran into him and we actually talked and had fun together, I was astonished at how smart he was. From that night on we never parted. I found a cute 2 bedroom house here in Portland and we moved in.. He then told me, I have a roommate that needs to stay here as well. Fine, he moved in too, always paid rent, cleaned, did the laundry and the cooking. Take my word for it, he was and still is the best.. About 2 weeks ago my partner told me he’s in love with the roommate. At first I was devastated.. After I got my head back, I realized I should have spoken up sooner, I saw this coming.. They spend way more time together that he and I did.. I was heart broken though ! They moved out, we talk often, they want me to come and stay with them, even though I’m beyond the big hurt, I’m just not ready for that.. Quite a reversal in roles here. I know, everyone says I should hate them, but just where does that get me ? I’ve always believed that forgiveness if for you, it’s actually freeing.. I wish them well, but we’ll see how it works with those visits..
I’m looking for some advice regarding my roommate and this girl he is constantly bringing over four nights a week just to sleep with. I live with my boyfriend and his best friend in an apartment with extremely thin walls. I am a full time student and employee as a barista at Starbucks. I have long days of class and long days at work that require a lot of socializing. When I come home I prefer to sit in silence but lately after every shift at 10pm my roommate has this girl over who is extremely loud. She moans extremely loud during sex and is always laughing. She has yet to introduce herself to me but knows who I am. I can never introduce myself because she is always sitting in his bed. And whenever they are in the living room (only twice they have been) she’s wrapped up in a blanket on his lap. I’ve given her opportunities to introduce herself to me by saying hi to her whenever I see her but she says nothing. My boyfriend doesn’t want me to say anything because his friend is just having a fling but I think he’s rude for not introducing her to me and for always letting her come over late and night and being loud when I’m trying to study and relax after work. It’s been happening for two months now. My boyfriend wants me to put in headphones and ignore it but I don’t want to have to do that every night when I already have to wear a headset for work all day. Lately I’ve been forcing myself to go to the gym or to a late night coffee shop to study so that I don’t have to sit at home and listen. I don’t feel comfortable in the living room because you can still hear them and it’s awkward because I don’t know her. It’s gotten to a point where I don’t care to and I can’t help but judge their relationship. I am always having to clean up after my roommate and his guests. He doesn’t do many chores but pays more rent than me. Does that mean I shouldn’t say anything? It’s gotten to a point where
My house mate. I rent from her. Basically lied and her adult daughter lives there too. It’s a big 2 bedroom. So yep mom sleeps on the sofa every night of the week. Plus all day. Watche 48 hours adnauseum. What started at oh she’s moving and will be here just a month has become 4 months.
I hate it. Then the mom goes in my bathroom to clean it. Hey it’s not perfect but that’s crossing a line. I pay $700 a month. No cable. Just her laying around. No discount for the non use of the living area and kitchen. At 5am when I go to work. She’s sprawled out
I am about to tell her. Bye bye. She will be upset. Not enough notice etc. She has 30 days. Gonna miss the chump.
Time to cut your losses and when she’s upset remind her, you broke our deal. I should only be paying one third of the rent and I have no use of the common area. This lady is jive !
So ,my friend and I are sharing an apartment and it seems she has a problem with me hosting guys overnight however she recently hosted her meet and greet the whole Saturday and I had to put up with it is this fair though?
Can you come up with a situation where a woman would ever be comfortable with a group of men in her home, regardless of whether the space is shared?
I realize that it seems upsetting, but I believe that socially, men are more accustomed to being around a larger group of women than women are in relation to men, for reasons which I do not feel necessary to highlight.
Hi, my boyfriend has been renting out the two extra bedrooms in his house to his friend(28) and his younger brother(22) for about two years now. I spend most weekends at his place, and sometimes comes over to hang out during the weekday to help him out with his chores when he’s busy with work. Him and I are both home buddies and we mostly just stay home cook dinner and binge watch our favorite shows. A couple months into the relationship, I had noticed that his friend’s girlfriend(22) lacked self-awareness and consideration of others. She doesn’t live in the house, but she would often come over with her friends often letting them shower at my boyfriend’s house without any notice. I remember one time she brought a friend over without even introducing her to my boyfriend. My boyfriend felt disrespected and we both thought it was rude of her to let basically strangers into the house just like that. My boyfriend was always stressed out about the noise and he would complain to me about it. That was the last straw for me so I told her:
I just wanted to let you know that you and Ron make such a cute couple and that I’m grateful that Bryan has Ron as his friend. Although, sometimes I do feel like it’s their friendship that’s holding Bryan back from saying something about anything so I figured I’d do it for him. I really like you and all, but we would appreciate if you let Bryan know when you’re having your friends over to sleep over at his house or even if they’re just coming to hang out. Also, I’d really really appreciate it if we kept the noise to a minimum at night so we don’t bother other people who are trying to sleep. You guys are welcomed to hang in the living room, too by the way (: And I also think there’s enough people in the house, so if your friends/cousins have other places where they can stay the night which I’m sure they do, that would probably be a better option.
Prior to this, we had hung out maybe a couple times with her and her boyfriend. But since this incident, every time she comes over she ignores me even when I say hi to her. Today, she walked into the house and didn’t say anything back when I said hi so out of disappointment I told her “you know it’s rude when you walk in here and don’t say anything back whenever I say hi to you and you just completely ignore me.” I said it in a calm way as if I was explaining myself to her but she just said “oh sorry I didn’t here you” and then walked upstairs to her boyfriend’s room. Five minutes later, she left. Shortly after, her boyfriend comes downstairs and I said good morning and he just slammed the door at me as a response. I told my boyfriend about it, but since his roommate is his only friend I don’t know if he’ll say anything to him. I just think it’s plain rude, something I wouldn’t do to anyone.
Am I wrong for trying to confront them about it?
Whether this person is inconsiderate is not the point here. You are not a tenant in the house and neither is the other girlfriend, so you really have no standing in this situation, unless your BF asks you to speak to the other GF on his behalf. As it stands now, it’s for the guys to figure out how they want to handle this. Good luck!
Pot, meet kettle. You just said that you spend nearly every waking moment at his place, but you’re complaining about someone else’s girlfriend being there too?
Your boyfriend is a woman. An emotional tampon. If he cant take up for you now over this. Imagine later
He needs mommy not you. What a woos. How do you have any sexual energy with him. Wow
I’m i wrong for being upset?
My boyfriend’s brother said that I spend the night too much which is one of my boyfriend roommates ( he has two more). From what my boyfriend tells me
His brothers friends said ” does she live here because I see her all the time”. So now his brother has this change of heart .They see me ” all the time ” because I’m there when there, there on the weekends which is my boyfriends days off . I stay in my boyfriend’s room the WHOLE time ( eat, watching TV) we don’t make noise ,fight or anything I buy my own food
.I come out to use the restroom or to get water, that probably around the time they see me . I say hi and what not but I say out of people’s way and stay to myself.
Now I do come over some mornings to have breakfast or do homework with him after work ( in his room) to spend more time with him ( we both work graveyard shift) then he takes me home. Before
Anything like this came up I had asked his brother if it were OK that I were spending the night on the weekends and to tell me if there were a problem .” Oh no it’s fine I like seeing you” is what he said .
Now I’m only upset because he let his friends come and change his thinking or he already felt this way and using the friend as an excuse.
They are probably annoyed that they have to share the bathroom on the only time they are off work. Hot showers cost a lot compared to running a tv look it up. Pay for using their water. Work out a schedule for showers if you MUST do it there. It’s really annoying to want to shower go pee or whatever and you can’t when you pay rent. People get sick catch colds want peace and maybe even have social anxiety they’re not trying to advertise but ultimately they didn’t sign up for an extra person there.
I am a college student rooming with my best HS buddy along with one other guy. My buddy and I share the same bedroom. This Summer I am paying full rent but not living at the apartment. My buddy continues to live at the apartment. End of May my buddy asked if it was OK that his girlfriend stay in the apartment and our room during the Summer while I am not there. His girlfriend was in an apartment 4 blocks away but decided to sub-lease her apartment so she could stay with him. She ended up giving a “deal” to her sub-leaser in that she still has to pay part of the lease. Still she is now paying half of what it would cost to live on campus.In our late May discussion I told my buddy that I was OK with her living there but that I felt she should pay me something. I came up with a very fair figure (much less than that what she would pay otherwise). He tried to negotiate with me but I have stuck to my guns thus far, Now she has my key that I am paying for which I plan to get back soon.
The discussion has now turned ugly. They are saying that a good friend wouldn’t charge in this situation. He says her money is tight but somehow she was able to afford a 3 week trip to Italy in mid-May. So, am I being a bad friend for asking for a very reasonable payment or is he being a bad friend for refusing to pay anything at this point?
It sound like going back to that apartment may be problematic, unless you clear the air on this issue. You were not using that apartment anyway, so if the GF did not move in everything would have been OK. However, we sense that you are upset that the GF is getting income from her sublet and not paying you anything. Once again, you should have agreed about any “rent” before GF moved in, it’s a little late now. You need to decide what is more important to you, your friendship or a small amount of money you might get. Good luck!
Plan in advance? Um, how about NOT LETTING your boyfriend spend the night AT ALL when you have a same sex roommate? I’m not condoning sex outside of marriage, but many people don’t wait. If you’re part of the ‘don’t wait’ crowd please understand that just because you don’t want to be married right now doesn’t mean your roommate should be subjected to your man spending the night every time she looks up! Have some class and respect.
I just don’t understand why WOMEN feel the need to allow their boyfriend to spend the night when they live with a female friend, roommate or relative. If they’re not gonna ‘put a ring on it’ why can’t the female go spend the night at the GUYS apartment?
If HE lives ALONE what makes the girlfriend believe her female roommate DESERVES to be subjected to that the guy spending the night EVERY TIME instead of the girlfriend staying at HIS place? Just goes to show there are some super selfish girls in the world. That’s exactly why my best friend is a guy. None of my boyfriends have ever spent the night even when I lived alone.
Again, I’m NOT condoning premarital sex or shacking up type relationships. But as I said, if you are the type who is sexually active and likes to wake up next to your man, please consider your female roommates feelings before asking him to sleepover. Even the ones who DON’T complain about it are not necessarily comfortable with it. And why would you expect them to be?
I don’t have a problem when my roommates boyfriend comes over and spends the night. He’s not bothering me. The only issue I have is when my roommates boyfriends comes over, stays all day, and my roommate isnt home! Plus she never tells me that he is in the house when shes not home so I am always surprised when I’m walking around in my underwear and he comes out of her room. Inconsiderate much -__-
and yes I have already addressed it with her.. yet she seems to not care. What should I do?
You are in a bind here. Whose name is on the lease? You need to keep on talking to her until she understands your concerns, or either one has to move out. If you are the lessee, and you think you can easily find another roommate, you can kick her out, but make sure you follow any local laws. If she’s the lessee, you may have to find another place. If you live in a tight rental market, you may not have any choice but grin and bear it until the lease runs out. This is one of the reasons why there situations should be discussed up front. Let us know how it all works out. Good luck!
My roommate wants my friend to pay rent and utilities. But the kicker is he doesn’t stay the night neither does he uses water or electricity. He just visit and leave. Should I make him pay like my roommate says
This sounds like a possible overreaction to an unchecked situation. Just keep the visits under 3 hours and once twice a week max. Otherwise your roomie has a point. Not everyone is social. They may even be having anxiety depression or suffer physical pain you can’t see like fibromyalgia but don’t want to announce it. Even if it’s just their preference respect it and you’ll find they will pull back on that request.
Preaching to the choir!!!! So I am still on the first year lease with my roommate. Me and my roommate work within the same company and we are fresh out of college, so we decided to get an apartment. Prior to moving in I knew he had a girlfriend, however she lived in another city about 4 hours away. Everything was cool the first month, but then every other weekend visits became every other day visits. Around the third month I discovered that my roommate’s girlfriend does EVERYTHING for him. Laundry, cook, clean, so having her over was a priority for him. So around month 6 I get a promotion and start traveling so I’m gone more and sure enough she semi moved in while I was away unless he started wearing stilettos and makeup. At this point I let him know when I leave so she can visit, but now when I do return she pops up as well. Currently I could ask her to pay rent, but the Capricorn in me has always been a step ahead. I made sure I was Head of household, so when the lease expires I can move freely. The question is when do I tell him he has to pay full rent if he plans on staying.
You still work for the same company, so try to make the split fairly. Give him heads up when you have to notify your landlord that you will not renew the lease and give the roomie the option to take the lease over. It’s always best to end roommate relationship on friendly terms, no matter what happened. Good luck!
I am having some roommate issues with my roommate and her bf. So he comes and visits most weekends. And whenever he is here I feel like it’s her and her bfs place and not my roommate and I’s place. He’s almost too comfortable when he’s here. It’s not fair that they take over the communal space all the time. Go to your room once in a while, don’t spend all of your time on the couch. I’m not gunna want to sit on the chair while you two are in there. It’s just whenever he is here they just occupy the entire living room and make it hard for me to feel comfortable in my own place. I don’t want to sit on the chair in the living room while they are on the couch cuddling. Can’t the do that in her room? And the worst part is I will be sitting in the living room with them and he’s got his hand down his pants the entire time and then goes to grab the clicker or food! GROSS! Am I being too dramatic or is it fair to want them to be more considerate of the common space and for them to not dominate it?
Hey thelightsdownlow — My advice is to start communicating your frustration about common space to your roommate, especially if the two of you are friends. Make sure to pick a time to talk where neither of you are too distracted and when her bf isn’t over at your place. I recommend explaining how their actions are impacting your apartment life and provide a few recommendations.
For example…”I don’t mind your bf coming over here to hang out, and I’m glad you’re happy, but it can be awkward for me to be in our communal space when the two of you are snuggled up. Could you try taking cuddly movie nights to your bedroom?…Or give me notice when he will be over?”
Again, be calm and understanding but be firm. You pay rent just like she does, and you have the right to feel comfortable in your own apartment. They key is open communication, though! Don’t let these frustrations bottle up and explode into an argument. Good luck talking to her!
I live in a home on the beach which is my father, home I live there and take care of it while he is away. I have my good friend and his girl friend live with me in my home. They pay rent, month to month very low rent . She wants to have her brother, stay at my house, I told her I don’t know his temperament. So she gets all mad saying well my family comes first if I can’t have my brother, stay with me, then I don’t feel comfortable, So I’m going to move out . Should I think that’s wrong of me, that I like my privacy . I did say he can sleep on the living room sofa, for two days , but before I could tex her this answer, she, comes out and writes this letter, like I’m so wrong all because I’m not sure if I even want her brother to stay its my dads home. She does nothing to keep the house up the rent, is for that room but she does use the rest of the house bathroom, kitchen, living room, floors get dirty everything but I get no help. I do all of this myself, some time feel like a maid. I feel like she is taking advantage of everything if she does not get her way she gets pissed like I’m the bad person. help please !
What are we missing here? It’s your father’s home and you let these freeloaders, paying very low rent, to push you around. If you cannot hold up against them, can you get your dad to help. There is no reason why you should have to invite your friend’s girlfriend’s brother to move in. Let the girlfriend move out. If their rent is so low you can probably get better roommates who’ll pay higher rent. Be firm!
thank you I feel that’s what I need to be firm I’m just to nice sometimes . Yes I can get much more rent then $350 a month . I have been told I could ask $800 to $1000 and I could probably get it .
Need some advice. So the jist of this being my roomate/in-law is only with me my wife and 1 yo dwughter because she signed the lease. But she pays me reng, does nothing whatsoever for the house, but feels its rights for her to
A. Have sex with her door open.
B. Bring a guy in the house and one day 2, he turned into the guest shell even leave alone with us while she works all day.
C. walking around apartment half dressed.
D. Didn,t even has decency to tell anyone that she was leaving bf in house or ltting him stay over every night.
Basically, i could give a rats tail how much partners she has or how often she has them. My problems are feeling she cares nothing about how her domestic life affects everyone in the home. Mor importantely my daughter. I dont expect non parents to agree but sure parents would agree they dont want their children to be exposed to live sex, or half naked guys they dont know. She morally sees nothing wrong with it and said “i dont care im happy right now, this doesnt affect you so i dont care.”um it does affect me, i dont know if she realizes she robbing my and fmilys happiness by behaving this wwa. But i wanted to ask am I being unreasonable in adressing the leaving strange guests while she’s at work? Can I prove this is my apartment more then hers? Or should i let the open sex go along with uncomfortably living with someone who cant even appreciate where im coming from on subjects that ultimitely is affecting me
You really have a tough situation to deal with and we are not equipped to give you much useful advice on this. The only things we can say is that if your in-law signed the lease she has the right to stay in the apartment and that your first concern needs to be the safety of your young daughter. Perhaps you can find a social worker to talk to. Or perhaps one of our readers can give you better advice.
We are sorry that you have to live in such an unpleasant situation and wish you all the best. MFA Editors
I need help please! I have been living with my roomate for almost a year now. Shortly into us moving in together she got a boyfriend. (Our living situation is that we share a one bedroom apartment. 2 beds one room) We never have fights or anything like that but we never set any rules. Up until now I nevery though we need to since we had such a mutual understanding of things we should and should not do. However recently her boyfriend is coming over to often. It’s usually at night but they stay in the front room and sleep out there. It’s kind of annoying since they are always out there at night and I would like to be watching TV or something like that. But the both of them are out there and it’s kind of uncomfortable. And I don’t know what to say to her.
I need some advice so if anyone can reply back to me that would be great.
I have been living with my roommate and best friend for 5 years. Our situation works because I am straight and he is gay, I have had sexual trauma in my life so he is the only person that I often feel safe around. The only time we fight is when he is dating someone and he wants them to come over and stay the night. Anyways this latest person he is dating comes over sporadically (I only get a few hours notice if I am lucky) and doesn’t stay the night a lot but we live in a loft style townhouse and I live in the loft so even if they are downstairs I can still hear them making out. My roommate knows it makes me uncomfortable but he has basically told me that he doesn’t care because he pays rent here to and to put in my headphones.
The worst part is when they (he and his boyfriend) fight he gets angry and takes it out on me because I happen to be around. I will never be comfortable with this person in our home and when he is here I will often leave or go see a movie even if I don’t want to. The truth is I am just not comfortable in house anymore. Our lease is up in 4 months and I am debating if I should move. I have brought this up with my roommate and have asked them to go to his house but they guy he is dating says he likes our house better.
I have so much anxiety about this situation I really don’t know what to do. Any advice would be great appreciated.
Hi there :) in my opinion, the best thing to do is to move out. I understand that your friend has been supportive for past how many years, but to me it sounds like once he met somebody he really likes, he stopped caring about his best friend’s emotions and feelings and became almost blade towards you to a point of being selfish! (Some people act like that once they meet somebody) At the end of the day your home shared or not should be a comfort zone to yourself! At least that’s how I like to see my home :) P.S. Do not stress yourself about it, as it can only make you ill. Think about your well being here, be selfish too, if your friend can do it, I don’t see why you can’t. :) Good Luck!
So heres the problem. I’m the parent of a college student. She shares an apt with 2 other girls who she thought were her friends. I’ll call them roommate A and roommate B. She had lived in a dorm with roommate A prior. Shes the only one with a BF and they knew it before signing on. They all have their own leases and pays their own rent individually. Apparently roommate B has decided that she doesnt like the BF. After only a month or so roommate A has sided with roommate B even though for a whole year in the dorm roommate A never had a problem and they were in the Same room at the time. Not individual rooms with individual baths like they are now. Now collectively they have decided that since they dont like him, they tell her hes not to come over anymore. This upsets her. Its not their right to say that unless theyre paying her rent which theyre not. I am.
SO heres some more info….Most times he comes over he spends in her room mainly because they dont like him. Even though the living room furniture is hers. They really have no reason to not like him. He doesnt leave messes around, he doesnt take showers there or do laundry or anything that would cause problems, he doesnt bring friends with him, he doesnt drink, smoke or party (which, come to think of it may be a reason they dont like him), neither does my daughter do these things but both roommates do, even though theyre underage. Theres a guy from another apt and his friends who come over quite frequently and they bring alcohol as they are of age and they share it frequently with the roommates, partying nearly once a week. My daughter doesnt participate in this. Sadly the roommates tell her she isnt “allowed” to have her BF over in own room.
What got her recently so upset was that while her BF was over IN her room eating pizza both roommates group texted her and told her they didnt want the BF there. This apparently is how it always goes down. They dont actually talk to her. Its all done through group messaging. Both of them basically bullying her to get her to do what they want.
Im pretty pissed off at the whole situation. My advice to her was to ask to be moved to a different apt within the complex or stand up to them individually and tell them where to go. I also suggested that she block them from her phone so that they could not text again. If they have something to say they will have to say it to her face. Which they wont do because, like all bullies, theyre cowards in disguise and when they can no longer hide behind technology they Will back down.
What do you think?
Your daughter is in a very toxic living situation. Nothing creates as deep friction in roommate living that roommate’s guests. Read the
comments to this post and you’ll see the depth of frustration, anger, even rage, these situation can provoke.
It does not matter that the old roommate did not care about the BF staying over, now things have changed and either your daughter has to tough it out, or, more likely, change roommates. Blocking texts from the mean girls is not going to be enough.
Let us know how things work out. Our readers would be interested to know. Good luck!
HI! So I am a senior in college and I have had the same roommates for the past three years. My one roommate has a boyfriend and at every chance she gets, she has him stay over. I am totally fine with him staying over but she never asks me anymore if it is ok. I would always say yes if she asked because it is her dorm too, however, whenever I ask for my boyfriend to come over she says no because she “misses her boyfriend too much.” I don’t understand why she thinks it is ok to always say my boyfriend can’t come over but hers can and she doesn’t realize that hearing her and her boyfriend being all “cute” and whatnot makes me miss my boyfriend as well but I still never say no to her. My boyfriend has done no harm and keeps to himself when he is here meanwhile her boyfriend has almost crashed my car before. I don’t know how to go about explaining my feelings to her without causing drama and none of our other roommates notice it or they just don’t say anything. Part of me just wants to suck it up and deal with it for our final year but it is so frustrating that she acts like she is entitled to control the dorm and who she wants to be here or not. By the way, my boyfriend is not a delinquent, does not smoke or do drugs, nothing like that. Just in general everything that goes on has to be okay’ed by her, including whether or not I can hang out with a roommate without her outside of school. Any help would be greatly appreciated!
Hello! I have a roommate miscommunication issue. Was hoping to get an opinion or advice on this situation. I did what I thought to be the more reasonable action, and talking about things like a normal adult, but it turns out people are extremely sensitive when it comes to significant others. Sorry it is so long, but here’s the deal-
Almost 2 years ago, me and my boyfriend(Jake) moved out of the state to take our careers a little more seriously and to begin our lives on our own. We moved into a 2 bedroom apartment that the spare room was for work, but could comfortably fit guests if they’d like to stay for the weekend. the apartment is basically 2 master bedrooms, when the bedroom door and bathroom door are closed, that half of the apartment is completely closed off. So John, my bf’s friend of 10 years, decided to move to the same area with his online gf. He was staying with us temporarily till they found a place. They weren’t working out as planned,so he was with us on and off for about 8 months. finally he moved in with us for good. He is paying us rent, but we let him in temporarily so he could get back on his feet after depleting his 10k savings on helping this chick get a house. About 4 days after them breaking up, John met a new girl online(Layla) and was gone for about 5 days. He asked us if we would mind if we had company for a night, we said sure, that’d be great. Since that night, she has stayed over every single night. Its been about 3 months at this point.The only time she is at her own house is when John is at work. She sleeps, eats, showers, does laundry. During this 3 month span, they were on and off. Some days Layla was his gf, others she was just around because she’s filling the void that didn’t work out with he first girl, it was weird for us to be around. He asked us if she could move in with us so she didn’t have to move out of state with family due to finances. Me and Jake decided it is too cramped as it is with her “not living with us”, and we really can’t have another person with us. We explained how we felt she was over too much and using too much of our space as it is. We did give up our workspace, which is now spread across our living room and bedroom to help a friend out. We didn’t plan on having one person with us let alone two. John ignored us for about a week, when him and Layla would come home, we would greet them and they would make a grunt noise and go into their room and we either wouldn’t see them for the rest of the day/night, or if we were on the porch, they’d come out and smoke and stand away in their own corner and go back in. They really just ignored us. We figured, whatever, it’ll blow over. Layla ended up finding her own new apartment, about 10 mins from us. Communication eventually went back to normal. She is still over every night, showering, making food, using the fridge, doing laundry. Yesterday, me and Jake had a day off together, apartment to ourselves once John is off too work. He was surprised to find out we were off and home that day so he informed us Layla would be staying in his room that day, she was crying and could barely move because of endometriosis, we wouldn’t even know she’d be here. I was a little irritated because i heard them laughing and having a great morning. So I said ok, thats fine if she can’t get home. John went to work. About every half hour, Layla would go outside to smoke and talk on the phone. Then she left to grab food about 10 mins away, and came back. Then got dressed in jean shorts, left to get cigarettes and came back. She seemed totally fine. I was thinking if she could get dressed in jean shorts with an endometriosis fit, and leave multiple times, why couldn’t she drive home and relax?! Just knowing somebody else that didn’t live with me was in my home was so weird to me. So this morning I asked John if it would be ok if she wasn’t here during the day when he wasn’t home would be an issue, just because I’d like some alone relax time on my day off. He was immediately offended and we argued for about 15 mins. All it came to was me and Jake being ungrateful and inconsiderate. He is under the impression since he pays for that room, they both can do whatever they want whenever they want in it, when the agreement was HE can liver there. Not both of them. All of the signs of her living with us are they’re, the only reason she “doesn’t live with us” is because we haven’t said hey live with us. I don’t feel like I am not completely wrong for trying to talk about it, and I don’t think it is uncommon for me to feel uncomfortable with somebody who isn’t my company in my home with me. Any opinions, advice or other stories would be greatly appreciated! Thank you for your time.
Me and my wife are trying to help out a friend who she is staying rent free and was told that we dont want her people here that she would have to go see them outside the house. She buys her own food, but doesnt help with household chores because she says she doesnt clean. ok, well, now she has this guy who mind you has gotten kicked out of every drug rehab program he has entered and she brings him to stay for weeks at a time until he gets into a new program. We are all women in our house, and my wife doesnt feel comfortable with him here when i am at work. I am trying to help my friend not her friends as well. She figures if he stays in her room then he isnt accuring any additional costs to us since we do pay all bills and all rent. The other morning i went to my bathroom and i was barefooted and stepped in pee on the floor..being we are all women, we dont pee on floor. lol well when i brought it to her attention and told her if he cant pee in toilet then he needs to clean it up after he is done .. she got defensive and talked alot of stuff to me..she then posted on social media that i was talking and lying about her boyfriend when actually it was my family i had confided in and she went over to their house to complain about me..well my mother told her we dont feel comfortable with men in our house and she knew this and asked her to not bring people to our house.. and since this was our house she needs to respect it…once again she was mad and got back on social media and slammed me on there.. Being adults and she’s getting a free ride, i tryed to ask her about her postings on social media and asked her why? she started calling me a liar and yelling at me ..I told her i wanted him out immediately that evening..of course she didnt do it..she dont have to make this ugly, she was a good friend of mine, but im willing to let that go and just get them both out…is that the right thing to do? or how do i get these disrespectful free loaders out.?
Hi Carrie, this reply was written by our blogger J who has a lot of experience with roommates. Hope it helps.
First of all, thanks for taking the time to leave a question, and our dearest, most sincere sympathies for having to deal with a very unfortunate circumstances. Having SOs stay over is a tricky situation at the best of times, but it gets downright diabolical when you’re helping somebody out.
Have you ever heard the parable of the frog in a pot of boiling water? If you drop a frog in hot water, they’ll jump right out, but if you slowly heat the water over time, they get used to the temperature, much to the detriment of their health.
The thing is, we grow accustomed to the situations that we’re living in, and it is a human tendency to keep pushing and trying to get anything they want. It sounds like your boyfriend’s friend is in denial that you’re helping him out. It’s such a blurry line, when exchanging money for a service, but you guys weren’t looking to take on roommates. You were just trying to help somebody out. And he got a little too comfortable. It’s understandable – times are tough all over and when you get into a cushy nice situation, you don’t want to leave.
Unfortunately, in my experience, the best way to be on good terms when people are letting you stay is to make as little waves as possible. Make yourself invisible and, if you make any kind of impact, make it a positive one.
When people are helping you out of the goodness of their hearts, you basically don’t have any rights and you should do everything in your power to oblige the people you’re staying with.
It sounds like your boyfriend’s friend might’ve worked out, had it only been him, but having not one but two different SOs staying over consistently, he has essentially overstayed his welcome. He may’ve been trying to help out his partners, but now it seems that either they need to help him out, or they need to work something out together.
Sounds like you’re going to have to have The Talk. You can possible phrase it in the context of you guys needing to focus on your careers, needing your workspace back, or that you need to get back to just the two of you. After all, you two did everything to get your lives together, to be able to move your lives forward. That doesn’t make you bad people – quite the opposite, in fact! And the little push might be good for both of them, ultimately. My girlfriend and I started off couchsurfing and in makeshift bedrooms, and, you know what? We didn’t get a lot of say in how things went. We didn’t pay as much money as other people, and they were helping us out. It got pretty old, pretty fast, and it lit a fire under us to get our stuff together and get our own place. We’re now living in our own place, with just one other roommate, and we get to have the home and the space we’ve always dreamed of!
Hopefully it’ll work out similarly for your friend and his loves.
Good luck! Let us know how it works out!
Thank you for your response! I think all of us end up on couches or empty rooms at one point or another. its just a matter of how you appreciate it and end up on your own. Everything ended up working itself out. Not as I would have chose, but you can’t force people to understand, I guess. The day after the huge argument, lol, me and Jake were completely ignored by John when we would say hello to him. He removed about 90% of his belongings out of the apartment, without paying his late portion of September’s rent of 2 weeks, left us a sink full of dirty dishes that were piled up in his room, leftover garbage and random belongings he did not want anymore. He didn’t return our key also. Jake had our lock replaced, and we have our place all to ourselves again, so I couldn’t ask for anything more. Its just unfortunate having to let such a long time friendship go, but good luck to them! Thanks again!
Yikes! I just had an ah-ha moment. I was actually looking to see if there was a appropriate way to ask for a key when your SO has a roomie and realized I was the girlfriend that roommates are annoyed by! I’m there a lot, and while we don’t share a bathroom and rarely go into the living room, I am still in another persons space. I don’t invite myself over, but I’m wondering if my boyfriend has bothered to ask his roommate (who is also his sibling) if the frequency of my visits is ok. While I still want a key for emergencies, I think I will probably limit my visiting to weekends and when his roommate is out if town.
This past summer one of my high school friends came back to my state from being stationed basically on the other side of the country. Upon returning is wife promptly said she wanted to parts ways with him and he was left homeless as he really had no family left in the area and was previously staying with his inlaws. So being the nice guy I am, agreed to let him TEMPORARILY stay with me for a couple months while he looked for a place of his own. I should also mention at this point he had a job that he brought home double what I make. Now the space I currently have is a one bedroom apartment. To access the bathroom, one would have to go through the only bedroom. I currently am setting up camp in the ‘living room’ space. No door or any way to have my own privacy. Honestly, It was totally do able for a couple months. About a month in he had his 3yo daughter stay over 2-3 nights a week because his now exwife and boyfriend “work” on a third shift schedule (they deliver papers…. THATS ALL THEY DO!) So the child would be dropped off at 9pm and if I was lucky she would be picked up at 4am ( anyone else think thats a bit much for such a young child?) And she would always say that she didnt have anything to feed her at home so we would have to give her something. (that’s neglect, right?) Now on the days that she would “fall asleep” and not pick her up I would be left with figuring out what to do with the child so I could go to work on time because my “roommate” went into work for 6am. Now, that isnt even the breaking point for me. I like to be alone…. A LOT! The days he doesnt have his daughter, he has the girl of the week over. This probably wouldnt be a problem if I didn’t have to travel through the room to use the bathroom. Let’s just say I’ve gotten some side eye that made me want to drag the bitch out the house by her hair!( oh and side note he’s straight and I am VERY not.) A larger apartment opened up next door and I got the go ahead for moving into it as soon as it is vacant. I discussed with him about the rent moving up a little and he would have to pay half of everything. All he is “capable” of paying is 75/wk. So now I’m afraid of being stuck paying 65% of the rent and only being able to use MAYBE 25% of the space. As of right now I am the only one that cleans, does dished, and now have been making sure my laundry is separated from his. I am really at my breaking point with the situation and don’t know how to bring it up without making it into an argument with him. HELP!
P.S. His ex is bipolar and sadly doesn’t take her medication any more because “she’s not bipolar anymore” Yet she has showed up at 3am numerous times screaming while her boyfriend blares his music in the car. My landlord who live above me has complained several times about her.
There are so many serious issues in your post, including the obvious neglect of a young child, that we here at MFA are totally out of our depth to give you any meaningful advice. You may even need to contact your local social services about the child.
As far as moving into a bigger apartment and more permanent arrangement with your deadbeat friend, why would you do it? He has a job so he should be able to find a place for himself by now. It sounds like he is just using and abusing your kindness.
Hope you find your way out of this bad situation. Good luck from The MFA Blogger Team.
I’ve been living with roommates since my college days through my mid 20s to cut down on the costs of living. I’ve found that it’s always important to lay out the ground rules from the beginning to maintain a healthy and respectful relationship with the roommates I’ve had. When my most recent roommate moved in, we laid the ground rules. Unfortunately, little by little she hasn’t been keeping her end of the bargain. I’ve addressed issues right away, she complies for about a month and slowly disrespects the ground rules.
She’s been dating a guy now for about a month or so. During his first, unannounced visit here, I addressed this ground rule and asked her to be respectful. Shortly afterward, I was out of town for about 3 weeks. My hunch is that during that time, she brought him over more regularly. Now that I’m back, it’s as though he is completely comfortable spending time at the apartment. I came home this past Friday to find him here with her. All she said to me when I walked in the door was, oh by the way my boyfriend his here for the weekend and in that moment, I had no choice to but say “that’s cool”. I was caught off guard. On Saturday, she arranged a get together with friends. When they arrived, I found out that they were all his friends and had been just meeting her for the first time. He even announced in a conversation that he’d been spending another night here. Information that I hadn’t known.
I’m frustrated because I don’t want to be the bad guy having to address yet another ground rule that was already talked about months ago. She’s not the easiest person to approach either and gets offended fast. I’ve got about 6 more months until our lease ends and am searching for advice on how to manage. I am also fustrated by the lack of consideration on her end for just simply notifying me in advance. It’s not that hard to do. It came to her easily at first and now it’s like she could care less.
Anything you can share would be greatly appreciated.
Unfortunately your situation is not unique, sometimes roommates “forget” all kinds of things that were agreed to at the beginning of the relationship. They skip their cleaning turn, eat your food, are late with bills, entertain friends at all hours, etc., etc. Audra is actually working on a MailBag post to address several recent emails we have received around this issue, so keep on checking back towards the end of next week.
Meanwhile, your first step has to be to another talk about ground rules you had agreed to. Inviting a new boyfriend for a weekend without letting you know in advance is not cool, and inviting that new boyfriend’s buddies to hang out in your shared apartment without asking you is even less cool. Have that talk ASAP. Good luck from the MFA team!
Thanks for reaching out. After reading your comment, I can see how this situation would be frustrating. Sure, her guest is a family member, but that doesn’t make it any less okay that he’s constantly invading your space and that, as I gather, she never asked you if you were okay with having an extra guest in the apartment. I believe that you’ve done the right thing by talking to her. But, obviously, what you’ve said so far isn’t getting through. I would make it more clear that you feel that your space is being invaded. However, as I always say when giving advice on these matters, don’t complain — be solutions oriented instead. Maybe suggest working out a schedule where they go do things together outside of the apartment on certain weekends and leave you some time to yourself. Or, maybe suggest that you all sit down together (the brother included) to discuss ground rules for what’s not okay to do in the apartment, such as leaving on lights. From here, the next step is to talk to her again. Here’s some past blogs that deal with significant others that stay over too often, but their tips can also be applied to your situation. Check them out:
https://www.myfirstapartment.com/2009/05/how-to-tell-your-roommate-his-girlfriend-is-a-problem/ (the comment section is full of similar situations and advice!)
Best of luck!
Audra & The My First Apartment Team:
For the past 3 months my room mate has had her brother’s over 3-4 nights at a time almost every weekend. This month one of her brother’s has come over and stayed every weekend for 4 nights at a time. I spoke to her about this politely and she mentioned that she won’t be seeing him until summer because he is very busy (but lives an hour away). I suggested that she go see him and alternate and she said that wouldn’t be a problem if he didn’t have guy room mates. I spoke to her about this on Saturday, and now it is Monday and her brother is still here. He came on Friday night. I am beyond aggravated because I work 40 hours a week and the only time I have to myself is weekends. We don’t have a living room and the only other space besides our rooms is the dining area which is very small. He is here even when she isn’t, cooking, leaving the lights on, etc etc. There are 3 of us living here. Today I spoke to her about it again and she didn’t seem to understand why I was upset. She said he is family and she wouldn’t mind if I always had my family over. I don’t mind, just not 3-4 nights at a time 4 weekends out of a month. What is a reasonable amount and how should I go about this?
I really need help with this. My one roommate has her boyfriend at our apartment 3 weekends of the month for maybe 3-4 nights at a time. Sometimes it’s 2 weekends of the month. I think that this is quite frequent. There are three people living in our apartment and I talked to my other roommate about it and we both agreed that he was here way too often. I mean, I want to feel comfortable around my apartment and walk to my room in a towel from the bathroom instead of having to get dressed in the bathroom for instance, but with a guy around, I can’t. So I talked to that roommate about it and told her how I felt and she said that she can’t do anything about it. She says that she has to make prior housing arrangements when she goes to see him, and if he comes down he can just stay with us. I explained to her that we all live here and have to be willing to compromise, but she still refuses to hear me and my other roommate out. Also, her boyfriend practically thinks that he lives with us. He will walk around without a shirt on and I don’t feel comfortable about that. Also my one roommate can hear them having sex, which is definitely not okay!! Also he’ll try to make rules for us, like how roommates will make rules for the apartment. For example, he didn’t like that I put my feet up on the coffee table, but my roommates and I didn’t care, but now that’s a rule in our apartment. Also my one roommate forgot to lock the door once when she left and he stopped her and then lectured her on why she has to lock the door, then he even asked her where she was and what she was doing….no one but my parents asked me that, and only when I was a teenager. What should I do?
Thanks so much for reaching out. As you’ve probably noticed from the many comments we’ve gotten on this blog, the problem you have is common when living with roommates. That said, from what you’ve shared, it seems to me that you have every right to feel uncomfortable with your roommate and her boyfriend and their behavior. In fact, I it’s incredibly in your favor the other roommate feels that same way that you do because it helps makes it clear that you aren’t just the only one who have a problem with this situation. It’s great to hear that you’ve already talked to the roommate in the past, but it seems to me that you and your roommate need to have another go at it. This time, provide solutions in addition to explaining your feelings. For example, maybe compromise that he stay over only a certain amount of days per month, etc. I’m sure you and your roommates can come up with some ideas that will make the living situation better for everyone.
There are tons of ways to tackle this, many of which we’ve detailed in past comments below. I recommend checking those out, having a chat with your other unhappy roommate, and then setting up a time to sit down and talk with the other roommate and her boyfriend as a group.
Also, we just happen to have a blog post dedicated to this coming up next week — so keep your eyes peeled for that. I think it will also be great for helping you resolve this sticky situation!
Best of luck!
Audra & The My First Apartment Team
The first part of the year, my cousin (14 years younger than I) moved in with me because she & her boyfriend broke up (He was cheating on her). I thought it would be for a couple of months while she got back on her feet and found a roommate. She is a full-time student and works full-time (or at least until next week because she put in her two weeks because she doesn’t need to work full-time because her expenses are so low). My house is small, and because she is rarely here, I felt $250/mo was a fair rent. She has a full bedroom (the smallest in the house), her own bathroom (which I just remodeled) and has also expanded out to the hall closet & has taken over half of my sons bedroom & closet (he’s away to college). There are the normal annoyances, like chores/cleaning up, noise, lack of consideration (she went on a 4 day trip to NYC – didn’t tell me when she was leaving, or returning…yet I was supposed to “know” to feed her dog. Thankfully her mom had told me or it might have been a few days before I realized her dog wasn’t been fed!) and has been late on her rent every month, except for the first month she moved in. While all of these things are grating on my nerves, the biggest issue I have is her overnight visitor – who happens to be the ex-boyfriend.
She started inviting him in to the house about 3 months after they broke up, but it was a week before she went away for 6 weeks for basic, so I didn’t address it at the time. She has since had him over more and more, and started overnight visits the past 3 months. What bothers me even more, is that she has been telling her mom that “he just won’t stop calling/texting”, blah, blah, blah. And I feel caught in the middle. I know its her personal life, but 1) I am not comfortable w/any guys staying at the house, let alone the guy who is the whole reason she is at my house to begin with. 2) I am no longer going to pretend/ignore/not bring up that she IS leading him on/still in a relationship. I shouldn’t have to pretend I don’t know anything about him to help cover her lies, such as when she tells her mom she is on a “date” with some guy names XXXXX, but its actually HIM, I will no longer be silent.
My question is….how should I tactfully handle this? I don’t want to cause a rift with family, but I really don’t care if she lives here or not. I don’t feel I should have to be uncomfortable in my own home, especially when I am trying to help her out. With the increase in utilities, I am only coming ahead 50-100/mo, so the money is not a factor. If she was paying 1/2, than I would feel she more of an equal partnership in this living arrangement.
Advice how I should handle?
Based on what you’ve shared, it’s VERY apparent that your cousin is taking advantage of you and your generosity. It sounds like you have your head on straight about the fact that you need to tackle this situation head on and stop putting up with her complete lack of respect of you, your home, and the lending hand you’ve offered her. Due to the way you’ve described your cousin, it seems to me that she not going to handle your comments with grace no matter how you approach this situation, but what I would do is sit her down and explain what’s going to change, tell her that you will not lie to her mother for her, and make it clear that if she doesn’t get it together (start paying on time, not having her ex over, etc.) and realize how generous you’ve been to let her live with you for next to nothing that it’s time for her to leave. Of course, this doesn’t have be approached with drama and anger. I would explain that I’m speaking to her like the adult she is and that she is beginning to overstay her welcome, especially since she clearly no longer has a problem with her ex. If her mother gets involved, I would explain it in the very same manner — that you were being taken advantage of and disrespected in your own home. I think once the mother finds out about the lies her daughter has been telling that nobody in the family will find fault with you. But, if they do, keep in mind that you are in the right to feel the way you do… no matter how the family responds. Anger from them is definitely no reason to keep an ungrateful, disrespectful family member in your home.
Basically, what I’m boiling this down to is that I think you have the right of it and that, based on what you’ve shared, I think you can easily handle this with tact. It’s your home and you aren’t being unreasonable, so I say do whatever you need to do to remedy this situation, even if that means telling her it’s time to go.
I hope this helps!
Audra & The MFA Team
I do not have a steady SO but i do occasionally like to have people spend the night. I don’t have a revolving door or anything but someone does stay with me for a night once a month. My roommate say she is not comfortable with this but her long-term bf practically lives in our apartment. I don’t understand how to show her that my monthly visitor is nothing compared to her bf who is hover 4-5 times a week.
You need to have the talk that you should have had when you moved in together with your roommate. Discuss candidly how you feel about her BF staying over so often and you need to hear in turn why your overnight guests bother your roommate. Having someone spend the night once a month is not excessive, but there is a difference between having a long-term BF staying over vs. someone your roommate knows nothing about. That difference is safety. Maybe she does not totally trust your judgment about these visitors. Maybe she is afraid that the silverware or the toaster will leave with your guest in the morning. Maybe she is afraid that her personal safety is at risk. These would be legitimate concerns. But you don’t know what it is until your have that talk.
I am in a very similar position. When I first moved into my apartment, I made it very explicit that I had a long term boyfriend who lived 2 hours away and who would visit on weekends. It has been a couple years of him visiting every other weekend, and then all of a sudden my apartmentmate says they are not comfortable with this frequency.
I am left dejected and perplexed, and understand your frustration. Having discussed this with friends and reviewing forums, every other weekend is definitely on the lower end of the tolerance spectrum, so I think your frustration is fair and grounded in reasonable expectation (I think few people would consider every other weekend as a live-in SO):
But I do think Alex has a point. Over-night-guest is different from a standing commitment over-night-guest. Given that, I would speak with your apartmentmate about the situation, and perhaps come up with a roommate agreement with more explicit wording, with quantitative values(days/hours) instead of qualitative values(over-night-guest and live-in-SO are such vague terms which can mean a lot of things to different people depending on their tolerance levels).
So,I have found myself in a bit of a predicament. I moved almost 4 hours away from my hometown to go to university. While searching for a place to stay, I had given my future dwelling place a few prerequistites, one of which would be the agreement of overnight out of town guests.
My boyfriend and I have been together for over 5 months and of course he wants to see me as often as phsically possible. However, being almost a 4 hour drive away, that isn’t exactly practical. So my bf & I agreed on him driving up (cause I no longer have my car) every second weekend, where I feel he should be able to stay a few nights.
My roommate claims not to be comfortable with this situation, and makes me feel like I’m being very inconsiderate of her feelings. However, countless nights (during the week no less) she’s hardly home & it’s not like I share a room with her. Am I justified in saying I should be able to do what I want? I am, after all, paying for half..
I don’t know if I should start looking for another place or not.
Thanks for writing. Me and my colleagues at My First Apartment feel like it’s a far different thing to tell a potential roommate to expect some overnight out-of-town guests than to have a standing commitment with a regular overnight guest who’s also (for the time he’s there) a live-in Significant Other. So, unless you specifically said the latter, I sympathize with your roommate — you’re in a tough position, but your roommate has a right to be angry. I would try to talk it out, or explore other options, including you paying more, or one of you moving.
This is fantastic! My roommate’s boyfriend has become our unofficial fourth roommate, so Friday night romantic dinners have become routine (thus awkwardness and displacement have become routine for us single roommates). I finally realized we need a house agreement when my roommate began letting her friends and family crash without any or much notice. You’re right. When you have roommates planning and communication is key.