How to tell your roommate his girlfriend is a problem

Calling all you relationship experts! Our friend Matthew has raised a common problem and asks you to put on your Judge Judy robes again. Here’s Matt’s email. (And thanks for the nice words about our site.)

“Hey, first off, I just want to say I love this site and it helped a great deal during my search for an apartment (my roommate and I found a nice 2-bedroom in Astoria, Queens, New York). It really made it easier and not scary.

Anyway, I was thinking a good topic for an entry should be about the girlfriend/boyfriend of a roommate overstaying their welcome. My current roommate is single, but I’ve experienced this problem with another roommate and I think it’s a decent subject to talk about. For example, in college one of my roommate’s girlfriends basically lived in our small place, making it that much more cramped. She had her own place, but never stayed there because she was either A) in love that much or B) considered our place her “get away” from her own annoying roommates/living conditions. It was obviously B.

It was tough to approach my roommate about this because, after all, it was his lady love. I never said anything (I should have) and it sucked. She got up at 7:00am every morning and watched TV loud, she dyed her hair in my bathroom causing my eye to swell up from an allergic reaction and basically was a girl in a guy’s apartment, making privacy difficult. She really treated it like a vacation home,where rules didn’t apply.

I’ve talked to people and some have had the same problem with a girlfriend/boyfriend “moving” in. I use quotations because they keep all of their clothes/items/computer at their actual place – they just sleep, eat, watch TV, and hang out 24/7 at their significant others’. What is the best way an annoyed roommate can approach that without offending?”

Author My First Apartment

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Comments (126)

  1. Sam

    I currently live in a house with a landlord (Who happens to be one of the roommates, let’s call him roommate A), a female roommate (Roommate B), and a 3rd roommate who’s living here until December (he’s not important). I signed my lease for one year and I am legally bound until April 2015. When I moved in, I knew there was going to be a girl living here, and I was fine with it. However, a month into me moving in, Roommate A and Roommate B started dating.

    On his own, Roommate A is totally fine. We get along, we can talk, and we can resolve issues by talking it out. However, whenever Roommate B has a problem with me, she’ll turn Roommate A against me. And it will usually be a 2v1 in whatever issue there is. There has been many problems in the 4 months that I’ve lived here, but 90% of them have been through Roommate B leaving a passive aggressive note on the fridge or her sending me a long text. Sometimes they’ll accuse me of doing something, and if I’ve done it, I’ll man up to it and say hey, my bad, or sorry, I’ll change. However, in recent weeks, they’ve accused me of doing something when I actually haven’t done it. And their reason will be well I didn’t do it and neither did Roommate A/B, therefore it has to be you. 3 examples: Taking their hot dog rolls (the rolls were later found to be in the fridge, like I had said they were all along), they accused me of making fish in the kitchen and leaving the smell there (I’ve never cooked fish in my life), using their toiletries (just because I use a small amount of shampoo every other day must mean that I’m using their toiletries, right? Oh yeah, and they also stole my bottle of body wash and have refused to give it back, because they’re “99% sure it belongs to them”, even though I’ve described it perfectly. It’s currently sitting in Roommate A/Landlord’s room).

    So there’s been 2 ways of me reacting whenever Roommate A/B bring up a problem. Either I acknowledge it because I have done it and change, or react negatively by denying I’ve done it (when I actually haven’t done what they say I’ve been doing), and when they continue to accuse me and tell me I should stop lying when I’m telling the truth. However, every time I bring up a problem, they turn it around on me. First problem I had was Roommates A/B would smoke weed in the house and not clean up the smell. When I get home, the last thing I want to do is smell the smell of weed (I don’t do drugs). I’m not asking them to not do it, just to open a few windows or spray some air freshener. Another problem I’ve brought up is our landlord not paying our internet bill on time. He always demands $40 at the beginning of every month, promptly on the 1st, yet the internet bill will arrive in our mail and sit, unopened, in the house for weeks. Then, unsurprisingly, the internet gets cut off by the company because we haven’t paid the balance. This has happened more than a couple times now. With both these problems, I texted my landlord and told him in polite terms that 1, the smell is bothering me and 2, if we could pay the internet bill ahead of time, rather than waiting for them to cut it off. He responded negatively and told me I was being condescending, rude, etc etc.

    So then yesterday, I find out that either Roommate A/B has clogged the toilet…again. Either A/B leaves toilet paper in the toilet, and doesn’t flush, causing the toilet to clog over time. After having to clean up fecal matter and nasty toilet water for a half hour yesterday, I was not feeling in the best of moods. So this time, I wrote a note on the fridge saying to flush the toilet, not to leave toilet paper in there, and clean up your own messes. I didn’t want to text Roommate A in fear of him trying to start another fight. However, after Roommate B reads the note (I presume with Roommate A, if they ever come out of Roommate B’s room) she angrily texts me and delivers the same response as Roommate A did when I privately texted him. I feel like I’m running out of options to report a problem. It really doesn’t help that Roommate A is the landlord, because since Roommates A and B are dating, I feel like I’m always at a disadvantage when they gang up on me.

    What should I do about future problems, and how can I get Roommate B to stop nagging/annoying the crap out of me? Here is another example of something subtle she will do to annoy me. So I had a package of peppers in the vegetable cabinet of the shared fridge downstairs. Apparently the juices leaked out, and she noticed. She’s allergic to peppers, but “cleaned up the cabinet” and placed the peppers as well as other vegetables of mine in one bag. In other words, she placed the leaky pepper package inside of a bag with other vegetables so the pepper juice would leak all over my other vegetables. When she texted me saying she had done this and that she had cleaned out the cabinet, I texted back “ok”. She responds saying “You’re welcome”. Am I really obligated to thank her by cleaning out the cabinet but instead of cleaning up the mess, leaves a bigger mess for me? Like it’s great and all that you cleaned up the cabinet, but why not just put the leaky peppers in a bag by themselves? Oh and I’m allergic to milk, and I can 100% tell you that I would rather clean spilled milk than fecal matter from a toilet.

    Reply
  2. Kevin

    I am currently living in a small college dorm room. My roommates girl stays over every night and I hear them whispering and making out during the night. They were even having sex when i woke up yesterday.

    Reply
    • Admin

      Hi Kevin,
      First your need to talk to your roommate and explain how his behavior interferes with your sleep and makes you uncomfortable. If that does not result in any changes, you need to have a confidential chat with your RA and have them mediate. This is such a common problem that your RA must have dealt with similar situations many times.
      Good luck.
      The My First Apartment Team

      Reply
  3. Jack

    I am currently having this problem with my roommate. It is very frustrating because I actually like the girl. She is very friendly and chatty but she is over all the time. The two of them have serious PDA issues as well. I have seen them literally strip down to their underwear while I have been sat on the opposite couch!

    The latest issue is that he has given her a key for our place, so now she never leaves and lets herself in whenever she pleases. It was rare enough that I got the place to myself for some quiet time, but now it never happens as she is always here!

    Reply
    • Audra Audra

      Hi Jack,

      As you’ve probably noticed from our long string of comments on this particular blog, issues with your roommate’s significant other is a very common problem to have. In our view, it definitely seems like it’s time for a chat with your roommate and his girlfriend about their behavior and your feelings. For our best tips about how to tackle this need-to-happen conversation with tact, check out some of our replies to other respondents below.

      Good luck!
      Audra & The My First Apartment Team

      Reply
  4. Andy

    So I have an issue with this as well.

    I just moved to another city to attend university, and to make the financial burden of living alone as a college student less so, I decided to move in with my cousin who was already living down here and attending the same uni.

    We both found a place that made rent easy, and moved in 3 and a half months ago. Before this, he was living alone (and in an apartment that wasn’t as nice.) We split everything 50/50. Rent / Utilities.

    I knew going into this that he has been in a LTR (remember, he’s my cousin) his girlfriend and I are on good terms, I’ve known her for 5 years now, and I knew moving down here they are somewhat serious. She also attends the same uni and has her own apartment.

    So knowing all this, I obviously knew she would visit. Except I didn’t think it would be 4 week nights in a row and the entire weekend. Again, I’ve known her, and about their relationship for years. Her and I are friendly, and get along. But, when she is over she doesn’t even say or try to make small talk (I used to until she started nearly being a 3rd roommate – now I just go about my business as if she isn’t there.)

    Every that she comes over after work or gym (5pm-7pm) my roommate and her just watch TV until 10 or Midnight, while I have to be exiled to my room because I don’t watch the shows that they watch (and have 0 interest in them.) Another thing that is agitating is that my room is only accessible through the TV living room, and I share a wall with the wall that the TV is on. I basically hear everything.

    I should have seen the redflags in the first week (when she left her shampoo, razor, and bodywash in the shower) and also her makeup bag (albeit in one of his drawers.) She also leaves multiple tuppaware of food in the fridge that I constantly have to shove over for room for my stuff. I feel I am pretty tolerant of their relationship and absolutely wouldn’t mind if she was over on weekends and 1 or 2 days of the week, but now she is here almost every night when I need proper sleep (she wakes up at 6AM/7AM for work every morning and uses the shower – which I also share a wall with.) My roommate and I are practically on the same schedule, so we both wake up a lot later than this.

    I know I need to say something, I just don’t know how to approach the issue since I knew moving in with him that he was in a serious LTR. Should I just ask him spend more nights over at her place? Have her not night stay the night as much? (Admittedly I choose to spend most time in my room even if it’s just my roommate and I because I have so much in my room to entertain myself with.) My main concern is I don’t want him to think I am dictating the house rules.

    Sorry for the long post.

    Reply
    • Audra Audra

      Hi Andy,

      Thanks so much for reaching out. As you’ve probably noticed from this very long comment section, you definitely aren’t the only one who has had to deal with awkward situations like these. With your situation in mind, here’s my advice:

      The only thing to do other than move out is to just have a talk with your cousin. You don’t have to approach this conversation with an accusatory tone or with a bad attitude. Just explain that you feel like awkward and like you are intruding on their very close relationship. Maybe talk about ways that you could be included more, such as suggesting shows you would want to watch with them, making dinner together some nights, etc. rather than secluding yourself to your room while they alone time.

      In order to make it obvious that you aren’t trying to dictate house rules, especially since the apartment was his first, I would take a casual tone and make it clear to your cousin that you appreciate that he let you move in and tell him how much it has helped you financially. Once you’ve made it clear that you’re not being ungrateful, then explain your feelings and ask how you can also make the living situation better for everyone.

      For more advice, keep an eye out for a blog on this topic we have coming up next week!

      Best of luck!

      Audra & The My First Apartment Team

      Reply
  5. Jules

    I have a similar issue as well. My roommates both have boyfriends and are very attached to their boyfriends. I can totally understand wanting to be around your significant other very often, but I don’t really understand imposing your relationship on your roommates.

    Only one of my roommates is guilty of this. Her boyfriend is a friend of mine and I like him well enough, but he has ACTUALLY moved in without telling us or asking if it’s okay. He showers here everyday, sleeps here at night, stops here in between classes, eats ALL of his meals here (I know this because my roommate has told me he doesn’t have food in the fridge at his own apartment), and is generally just always here. Our apartment is very small, and we are all busy college students. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t have time to make my own meals or get into the bathroom in the morning because, again, we have a small apartment and it’s like my roommate and her boy shaped tumor take up twice the time doing everything (especially cooking, since she and her boyfriend always just have to have an elaborate meal that takes forever to make).

    But the thing is, I’m reluctant to bring this up because apparently, the BF has fallen on hard financial times and cannot afford food. Furthermore, his roommate has Hepatitis B and didn’t tell the BF until after they had signed the lease and moved in. Until just now, the BF had not been vaccinated. I feel awkward about this entire situation and find myself feeling very uncomfortable when I’m at home at the same time as them. I want to bring it up, but I don’t want to ruin my relationship with either person, which I feel is entirely possible because I am an awkward person like that. Plus, the BF is in my major, which is very small compared to the size of my university. Double awkward.

    I had a roommate situation like this before, but it was even worse because I had to share one tiny dorm room with a couple. This is better than that (and will probably always be) but I really just can’t help but feel annoyed.

    Reply
    • Audra Audra

      Hi Jules,

      This is definitely a tough situation to have on your hands! But, you do bring a very valid points about how this situation is infringing on your personal space and your ability to enjoy the apartment you also pay for. Here’s how I think you should approach this situation:

      First of all, the fact that you guys are friends should actually make it less awkward to speak candidly. I promise that it’s much more awkward when you don’t know the person well. If you tackle this situation delicately and with tact, I sincerely doubt you’ll lose friends. Does your other roommate and her boyfriend have a problem with the scenario? Are they expressing concerns as well? If so, this may be to your advantage and give your claims even more weight. If not, that doesn’t make your feelings any less valid — just a thought to keep in mind before you say anything to anyone involved.

      Communicate is always key, especially in roommate living situations, so my advice is to sit down as a group and have a discussion. Keep it light (maybe order pizza and address the conversation as a friend rather than treating it like an intervention), don’t simply complain the entire time, and don’t take an accusatory tone. Simply make it plain that you don’t feel comfortable in your apartment (even make it clear that you know you can be awkward with other people sometimes — it’ll help lighten the mood some) and that you feel that you are paying for space you really don’t get the chance to use. Then, come up with compromise situations. Maybe you guys come up with a plan about who uses the kitchen/bathroom at certain times. If you don’t speak up, then nobody will have cause to believe that you are unhappy with your situation and what’s going on in the apartment. Also, during your discussion, make it clear that you don’t dislike your roommates boyfriend (obviously you guys are friends) and that you understand he’s facing a difficult time in his life. Basically, what I’m trying to say is be nice about your complaints, but don’t be a pushover. And most of all, provide solutions that everyone can live with.

      On a side note, perhaps it’s a good idea to seek out the health clinic and get tested for Hepatitis B just to be safe. There’s probably no cause for concern, but it’s important to be sure.

      I hope this helps!

      Audra & The MFA Team

      Reply
  6. Brian

    Hey there…I have a problem and I’m hoping you can give me some advice.

    I am a college student and I currently have two other roommates in an apartment. I live with my best friend (whom I have been close to since the beginning of high school) and his sister (who is almost like a sister to me). We have been living together for approximately three months. The beginning of our roommate ship was great, but things changed drastically when my best friend started seeing a girl that we both work with. Since they started dating, our friendship has taken a serious hit.

    Sometimes, it feels like she spends almost as much time in my apartment as I do. She’s here nearly every day for long periods of time each time she comes over, she’ll show up at random times (i.e. she just came over now and it is midnight) and she’ll sleep over a few times per week. She lives in a sorority house, so they refuse to spend time at her place. At first, I was exiled to my room while she was here so that they could use the living room to hang out and watch movies, which pissed me off quite a bit. Through subtle hints, I let it be known to my roommate that I wasn’t happy with this and it has since changed. Now, they mostly just stay in his room with the door open (I can still hear their conversations and kisses…ugh!). Even though they’re not invading “shared spaces” like the living room anymore I am still extremely annoyed with her being here all the time. I feel like I can’t get comfortable in my own home because there is always an “outsider” here. I’m not comfortable with her being around so much and it stresses me out whenever she comes over.

    To be honest, she drives me absolutely crazy. She is somewhat rude to me and fails to make even the slightest friendly gestures, such as acknowledging me when I say hello. She basically treats me like I don’t exist. This has somewhat rubbed of on him as well. I feel like I am a second class citizen in my own apartment.

    I don’t want to damage my friendship with him, but something has to give. I’m going to go crazy if it keeps up. How can I bring up my discomfort to him without upsetting him (mind you, he can be very defensive)?

    Reply
    • Ben Ben

      Hi Brian,

      Your problem seems frustrating, but not that uncommon! I was an RA in the dorms at SF State for three years, and I would always handle issues like this with the residents. It seems like the very best thing you can do in situations like this is to be open, but also mature and almost professional. You have to be upfront, while still being polite and diplomatic. You don’t want to ruin your relationship with your roommate, but it seems like that is what is happening with his guest always being in the apartment.

      My advice would be to set up a time to talk with him. Don’t just bring it up out of the blue where he can get defensive, but ask is there is a time where you and him can sit down in the apartment, alone. It’s important that he knows that you two are the decision makers, and it isn’t two against one.

      Once you sit down, tell him the things you just told us. Tell him you don’t want to ruin the relationship, that you don’t want to step on any toes, but this is something that bothers you. Don’t name call or accuse her of doing anything, just state the facts, and how they make you feel.

      Then ask to compromise. In roommate issues, it would be hard for any one person to get everything they want. Instead of asking that she never comes over again, ask for a limit. Maybe ask if she can come by 3 nights a week. It will be up to you two to figure out what is fair.

      After you set up the compromise, hold him to it. And make sure that you are holding up your end. If you notice yourselves falling off track, let it be known in a direct way. Sometimes we thing we are giving subtle hints, but they are too subtle! Hope this helps, and good luck!

      Reply
  7. john salazar

    so my roommate who ive been friends with for 2 years just asked me to excuse myself from my living room that I pay half for, so he and his girl (who keeps Adderall alive) may they have some privacy so they can watch a movie and talk shit smoke their weed or whatever….I don’t use, meaning I don’t get high or drink, anymore, I’m in recovery, so this means im trying to live serenely with out drugs and alcohol….. where we live is really small we’ve been here for over 5 or 6 months the initial agreement was that if one of us uses, they would have to go. I ended up at using first, we just never discussed it….and he was secretly getting high in his vehicle…….so I feel like I just got shitted on by her…they fight all the time when they are drunk…the night before was more how can I say um….it was just bad how he dogs the crap out of her…..she doesn’t like me…if im here and she is shell stay to his room….I pay for half that living room…. should I respect them and give them their privacy or go back and ask for some rent money every time she used the shower, used her curling iron, flush my toilet, opened the refrigerator, watched a show on tv, took a shower, brushes her teeth …. I need help someone please help

    Reply
    • Admin

      Hi John,
      Looks like you are now in a very unhealthy situation. Your friend’s behavior and relapse put your own recovery in danger. You need to have a serious talk with your roommate, when his girl is not around and air all your concerns. If your roommate does not want to respect your privacy and your original agreement not to use drugs and alcohol in the apartment, you need to move in order to protect your own recovery. It’s a tough break that you’ll be the one to pay the price when it’s his fault that there is a problem, but continuing the current arrangement is not working. The only other solution would be for you to kick him out and find another roommate, but that will only work if you are the only one on the lease. Good luck!

      Reply
  8. Alexia

    Maybe I’m just being a pain in the butt, but my roommate & his SO are really frustrating.
    When we first moved in, my roommate HAD to get a dog the second day we got everything in the apartment. Fine. I was bringing a dog into it, too, so I couldn’t say no, & thought it would be great for my dog to have a buddy.
    The lack of time he spent with the dog after the first week was agonizing, but then he got a girlfriend, & it’s like the dog doesn’t exist at all. I’ll come back to the dog issue later.
    The first night he brought her over, they were practically dry humping eachother on my couch (not an exaggeration; she was sitting on his lap & they were in a very intimate make out session, & that’s the scene I walked into after a 10 hour day at work). I told him it’s cool to have his lady over, but I don’t need to see him about to make children with her. WELL, ever since then, they simply just go to his room. They don’t say a word to me or our other roommate, & just go straight to his room. They never come out. They don’t interact with us. They don’t cook. They don’t come watch tv with us. They go to his room, lock the door, & won’t come out until he needs to drive her back home. And, coming back to the dog, they will come home, walk right past “his dog”, leaving her in her crate, & go right into his room.
    I guess my question is this; am I out of like for being annoyed that she is over Monday-Friday, 3:30 pm to 12:30 am, & don’t ever interact with our other room mate & I? Sometimes I feel like I’m over reacting just because I haven’t seen my roommate in a week. I’ve already taken care of the dog issue (I pay for everything re:the dog, because he can’t be bothered to simply take her to the vet for basic check ups or anything).
    Am I out of line?

    Reply
    • Sarah Sarah

      Hi Alexia,

      Wow. What a complicated situation. I, for one, am ALL for total honesty–especially when it has to do with roommates. It seems like there are TONS of issues for you to tackle with this guy…so much so that I think it may be time for a serious sit-down. Get with your other roommate and see if s/he is feeling the same way.

      Come up with a few issues and SOLUTIONS. For example: Issue 1: Neglecting dog. Solution: Create a schedule to help your roommate get used to taking care of it by himself (or if he is incapable, help him find the poor animal a new home). Issue 2: Weird gf behavior. Solution: Suggest he goes to her place occasionally, invite them to join you for dinner or out.

      Once you have a list of issues and solutions, let your roommate know that you want to have a serious meeting about concerns and go through them with all roommates present. If you are seriously over your limit, bring up the potential of him needing to move out if they can’t be resolved for the betterment of ALL of you.

      It sounds like you should stand up for yourself and your apartment, although in a nice and concerned way. No need to blow your top at him in case you end up stuck living with him for a while longer. Just explain your concerns rationally (which I think you can definitely do) and how you hope he/you all can solve them (that’s the important part).

      Good luck, let us know how it goes. All the best,
      Sarah

      Reply
  9. Lani

    Hey so, I’ve been living in this house with my boyfriend and his siblings for over a year now. A few months after I moved in the eldest sibling got a girlfriend and for the first half of the year it was cool, we hung out together we went to hookah parlors downtown as a group of friends and she would stay over a night or two which was fine. But recently her boyfriends car broke down when he was getting her from work because the roads were bad and she didn’t want to drive, and that’s when everything went down hill. Her visitations became more frequent,and her personal belongings have grown. As a note: she currently lives with her sister. Anyway, she comes to our place with her grocery bag and just leaves it on the kitchen counter which would be fine if she were in her own place, and the stuff she puts away in the freezer and fridge she leaves to rot; she gets mad when I clean the kitchen because I move things around, I made room in our pantry for her stuff, she has her own shelf in the freezer and fridge, she threw a fit because I cleaned the bathroom and had to move some of her stuff, she uses my feminine products and has only bought me another once (it’s been a year), she moved my shampoo and conditioner and put hers in it’s place, she uses my shower gel and leaves hair, hair ties, and bobby pins in the shower. She throws her shoes on the floor in front of the shoe rack, she uses our dishes and doesn’t clean up after herself, when she cuts her boyfriends hair she does it in the kitchen, when she dyes his of her hair and washes it in the shower she doesn’t clean the dye off the shower. She slams doors whenever she doesn’t like something and complains because we lock our doors at night (we have young kids in the house, so it’s for security). She stomps up stairs whenever I’m around and intentionally walks loudly (I know it’s intentional because she doesn’t do it when other people are around). I don’t know what to do, we just renewed our lease for another year. She’s stressing everyone in the house out, we’ve all had a talk about how we should deal with it but we can’t find a way to talk to them because they will just literally walk away. Please help.

    Reply
    • Audra Audra

      Hi Lani,

      You’ve definitely got a difficult situation to deal with, especially since she is a sibling of your other housemates. However, since you mentioned that everyone living there has a problem with her behavior, I suggest that you make talking to her a collaborative effort. If you try to take her on alone, it makes it appear that you are the only person who takes issue with what she’s done, and obvious she doesn’t respect you, so it most likely will not go over well nor will she take your concerns to heart. Before you make the decision to all sit down together to talk, get together to establish a game plan — make a list of what issues you want to talk about (focus on the biggest issues rather than hyper focusing on everything he or she may have done), the order of talking, who will lead the conversation and initiate the talk, etc.

      I know you mentioned that you guys don’t know how to talk to them since they literally live just a few feet away. I know it will be awkward and uncomfortable, but eventually you guys do all need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart conversation about what’s going on in the house and how everyone is feeling. This isn’t to say that you should gang up on her and her boyfriend and make it a “let’s complain about all the things you do” session. Rather make it an open discussion, let her and her boyfriend voice their complaints too. They are members of the house, so treat them with as much respect as you’d like in return during your sit down conversation. The biggest goal here is to compromise — maybe suggest you take turns buying feminine products every month, explain that each month on a certain date you’ll clean out the fridge, etc., etc. With the backing of others in the house, perhaps, and hopefully, she and her boyfriend will take the issues more seriously. Maybe even have the conversation in a laid back environment — order takeout and sit together around the table. This will make it feel less like an intervention and more like a respectful conversation among friends.

      During this conversation, make it a point to not just throw everything out and avoid talking about resolutions. If you guys have never discussed ground rules, now is the time — who does what around the house, what’s okay and what’s not okay, even things as small as what time the door will be locked each night. All of these things matter and they’re key to establishing a framework for when new issues come up over time.

      Hope this helps some!

      Audra & The My First Apartment Team

      Reply
  10. Audra Audra

    Hi Sam,

    It definitely sounds like you’ve got a tough situation on your hands. One thing that we here at My First Apartment considered when we first read your comment is whether or not your fiancee’s roommate might be retaliating because you moved in and are the significant other in his roommates life. Did you guys have a good talk before you moved in with your fiancee and his roommate? Did you guys talk out ground rules — such as what would and would not be okay? We aren’t sure of all the details on that end, but it’s definitely something to consider that he might feel that he can use the space to entertain his female guests just as much as your fiancee uses the space for time with you. Also, is having girlfriends over something new for him or was this something that he often did when it was just your fiancee and him? He might just be continuing with habits he’d always had before you moved in and it was just the guys.

    That said, it sounds like to us that you and your fiancee need to talk out this issue together and come to an agreement AND then together sit down with the roommate and address your concerns. If you and your fiancee aren’t on the same page, then we don’t think the roommate will take anything you personally have to say as seriously. The roommate needs to realize that it’s a problem for both of you. It’s never too late to talk about ground rules, so we think now is the time to do it. However, we don’t suggest approaching it like you guys want to sit down and just complain about all the annoying things he’s done — make it clear that you guys want to hear his concerns and issues too. Maybe even have this conversation over pizza or something so it’s not so intense. If you guys can’t come to a compromise, it might just be time to start looking for place of your own.

    Hope this helps!

    Audra & The My First Apartment Team

    Reply
  11. Sam

    Hello.
    On May 17th, I moved to West Virginia to live with my fiance and his roommate. Things seemed to go okay until the roommate brought a girl over to stay the night and allowed her to stay at the house while everyone was at work. This made me very uncomfortable, and I voiced my concern a few days later to my roommate who seemed to not be bothered. A week or so later, he started seeing another girl, and immediately had her stay overnight. He asked us the first night she stayed if he could borrow a pillow for her. I angrily said no, she was his responsibility since she was his guest. My fiance lamented and allowed him to use one of his pillows (which caused a very long disagreement between us). This continued for two visits until I told him I would not be letting him use our pillows anymore and that he needed to make accommodations for her since she is his guest. He finally made her bring her own pillows. Our roommate has also decided that instead of bringing any issues he has woth me to my attention that he should vent to my fiance… which never goes over well, hearing something about myself second hand. Anyways, the last month or so, my roommate’s girlfriend has been staying over more and more, making it almost impossible for my fiance and I to spend time in the livingroom watching movies or playing games because they monopolize the area. They always come in and turn a movie on, always very loud, and talk until we turn our tv off or go to our room. We feel like strangers in our own home. I don’t think the way we are being treated is fair, not to mention the fact that she will have stayed 5 days in the last week. She has used our internet, our water, our electricity, she is loud and obnoxious, and I am just sick of both of them. We can’t talk to our roommate about his behavior because it goes in one ear and out the other. He is very selfish and self concerned. What can we do? My fiance and roommate went to school together and they were great friends, but this is all getting out of hand. I am tired of our roommate being rude and inconsiderate and constantly taking advantage of my fiance’s good nature (he laid out of work last week and told my fiance that he HAD to take his girlfriend to pick up her car since he drove her here).
    Can someone give me some advice be for I end up having an emotional blowup?

    Reply
    • Audra Audra

      Hi Sam,

      It definitely sounds like you’ve got a tough situation on your hands. One thing that we here at My First Apartment considered when we first read your comment is whether or not your fiancee’s roommate might be retaliating because you moved in and are the significant other in his roommates life. Did you guys have a good talk before you moved in with your fiancee and his roommate? Did you guys talk out ground rules — such as what would and would not be okay? We aren’t sure of all the details on that end, but it’s definitely something to consider that he might feel that he can use the space to entertain his female guests just as much as your fiancee uses the space for time with you. Also, is having girlfriends over something new for him or was this something that he often did when it was just your fiancee and him? He might just be continuing with habits he’d always had before you moved in and it was just the guys.

      That said, it sounds like to us that you and your fiancee need to talk out this issue together and come to an agreement AND then together sit down with the roommate and address your concerns. If you and your fiancee aren’t on the same page, then we don’t think the roommate will take anything you personally have to say as seriously. The roommate needs to realize that it’s a problem for both of you. It’s never too late to talk about ground rules, so we think now is the time to do it. However, we don’t suggest approaching it like you guys want to sit down and just complain about all the annoying things he’s done — make it clear that you guys want to hear his concerns and issues too. Maybe even have this conversation over pizza or something so it’s not so intense. If you guys can’t come to a compromise, it might just be time to start looking for place of your own.

      Hope this helps!

      Audra & The My First Apartment Team

      Reply
  12. Cathi

    Roommates girlfriend lives in the sorority, so no chance they can split their time going there. So GF comes to our apartment most nights/days. And now is leaving her bathroom stuff, asking me when I’ll be doing my dishes, and will I be home for Valentines Day because she’d rather I wasn’t there….HELP!

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Cathi,

      It sounds like you need to take back your space. Remember that just because your roommate’s girlfriend can’t host your roommate, that doesn’t mean she has carte blanche to crash at your place. Remind your roommate (and his girlfriend) of this — and remind them that you have a right to expect privacy and freedom in your own apartment. It’s not appropriate to kick you out on Valentine’s Day, nor for your roommate’s girlfriend to ask when your doing your own dishes.

      Suggest that his girlfriend only crashes one or two nights a week. If they are uncomfortable with this, or say they need to see each other every night, remind them (politely but firmly) that each of them could take measures to change their living situation, so that they can host each other more readily. She could move out of her sorority, he could give notice at your place and find himself a nice studio. While they might find their current living situations inconvenient for stay-overs, there’s no reason you should be the one to suffer.

      Best of luck!

      Reply
  13. Kitta

    Alex…
    I’ve spoken to her hundreds of times it’s got to the point
    Where we don’t talk anymore
    It’s stressing me out…
    We don’t sit in the same room anymore
    Let alone talk to each other!!
    She was my best friend for 2 years now
    But it’s all about him now
    It wouldn’t be a problem if he worked and paid
    Abit tho wards the home but he doesn’t
    Everything is in my name
    When the receipt gets printed off it’s in my name
    I don’t wanna kick her out just want him gone!!!

    Reply
  14. Kitta

    I have just moved in with my best mate and everything was sound at first …
    This when it all kicks off!!! Her boyfriend has pretty much moved him self in
    Without even talking to me he doesn’t work he hasn’t even been trying
    To get a job he DOESNT pay rent or nothing towards the flat
    He makes a mess he smokes in the flat when there isn’t ment to be
    Anyone smoking in there as my boyfriend is a non smoker
    I kept to that rule. My boyfriend doesn’t stay ova as he doesn’t live in the island…
    He has no money what so ever just sits in the house all day playing
    On the play station witch he brought around without me knowing!!!
    Our electric only lasts about 4 days no!!
    I work shifts so I bring in an okay wage but how is it fair that I work 15 hour shifts for him to
    Sit and do nothing and expects everything!!
    He’s used my razor used all my shower gel
    I’m going out my mind.
    I’ve spoken to both of them and they don’t see a problem
    Please pleae help me!!!

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Kitta,

      This is indeed an unfortunate situation. First, I would talk with your roommate again. If nothing changes within a week, develop a plan. Check your lease and see who is responsible for making rent payments (in other words, each of you equally, just one of you, or only the one who is still living there) and see what your management company permits as far as subletters. Then start looking for a subletter (and tell your roommate your intention) and begin searching for a new place/roommate. It may seem like a pain (and, yes, it’s not fair that *you* may be the one to move out), but in the long run, you’ll thank yourself.

      Reply
  15. Admin

    Hi Confused and Nervous,
    Here’s another way to approach the situation. Why don’t you try to agree to a reasonable number of guest overnights a month for each. That way you both can have your SO’s over without damaging your roommate relationship.

    Reply
  16. ConfusedAndNervous

    I’ve read through a few of the comments to see if anyone is in the exact same boat as me but I’m not seeing it….

    My roommate has recently found himself a girl. Although he claims that they aren’t seeing each other, she is over at our apartment most every night. She typically will spend the night 4 or 5 times a week and on nights she doesn’t stay over she doesn’t leave until 2 or 3 in the morning.

    I don’t mind her being over, but I feel very unwelcomed in my own home when she is there. (I’m not sure if she feels threatened by me or what -by the way, I’m a female and my roommate is male but we are more like brother and sister than anything) She is constantly eating whatever we have in the kitchen but never contributes to keeping food in the kitchen. It would be one thing if my roommate was helping to pick-up the price of her food cravings but he hasn’t. She also dominates our tv and forces me to watch anything I want on my laptop while claiming “she can’t watch this online” -typically she is watching netflix :(….

    I am very unsure how to approach my roommate about the situation though. This is because I am currently in a long distance relationship myself, and when my SO is able to visit, he is typically there for multiple days at a time. Currently, my roommate has no problem with this but I’m worried that saying something about his girl will prevent me from being able to have my boyfriend come to town and visit.

    Any advice you can throw my way would be super helpful

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Confused and Nervous,

      The problem is more straightforward than you think. Having a long-term, long-distance Significant Other visit for a few days every once in a while, is far, far different than having a girlfriend stay 4-5 nights a week at your place *every* week, particularly if she is dominating the television and eating your food. From what you describe, she’s not being considerate and she’s staying over too often. You absolutely must talk with your roommate. Explain that you need to feel comfortable in your own home and that the current set-up needs to change. First suggest that your roommate go to his girlfriend’s place at least half the time, then point out that she’s not paying her share of the food expenses, and also note that you need to be able to watch television comfortably in your own apartment. If your roommate isn’t responsive and the situation doesn’t change, consider moving out.

      Reply
  17. Donewithdrama

    Hey I’m glad I found this. I’m in a similar situation but I’m the other girlfriend.

    So I had moved around a lot because of ridiculous family situations so when I ended up staying at my boyfriends house a lot. His dad at the time ended up offering me to stay if I paid a rent every month which was reasonable. It sucked at the time but everything is sorted out now and it works great.

    Now it’s my boyfriends brothers girlfriend who is older than me mind you. Has a job gas an education and does nothing with it. But she’s gotten used to coming over and staying a lot to get away from her issues she makes that known. But it’s the constant staying over and expecting things that’s just overkill. The dad has his own place now so he’s out of the picture.

    Buy it’s also disheartening when my boyfriend and his brother have grown apart over the years and when she’s around him her and his brothers rudely disrespect my boyfriend. And she gets treated like royalty. She’s very obnoxious and loud when they hang out especially when I got work in the morning. Even when I ask politely to keep quiet.

    The last time she came over his brother went off the deep end complaining we don’t clean up. When we do we were just out the last couple of days. Me working pretty much full time. I do my part and organized the stuff for someone to put away. Who was home the most during those days his brother. So if anything he could have done it. But the point is not to blame but that we all could be doing better.

    The last we brought thus up fists, choking, and things were broken so talking is impossible. Especially when the girlfriend thinks it’s her business to get between their arguments. I stay out unless someone is dying. But she gets involved in their business.

    I didn’t mind her before but this is getting ridiculous since I’m paying and she gets away with it. Did I mention we are all in our twenties.

    And I don’t know what to do, I’m not getting my family involved (another story) and. My boyfriend doesn’t think it’s that bad and wants to stay put for life.

    I don’t see that especially since his brother and his girlfriend don’t look like their gonna do anything anytime soon.

    So now what?

    DonewithDrama

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Dear DonewithDrama,

      You’ve had a tough family situation and your boyfriend is uninterested in change. Unfortunately, this means you need to work hard to take care of yourself. Since you’re already paying rent now, you’re likely in a financial position to move out. Have you considered this? Perhaps find a studio to yourself, or a share with a stable roommate. This would help you get perspective and escape the disfunction. And I do mean disfunction — your current living situation does not sound healthy.

      Reply
  18. Itried

    Before my roommate got a girlfriend we had a pretty good relationship. He was clean, considerate, and helped out around the house.

    After getting with her, everything just about stopped. For the last three months I’ve had to repeatedly ask him to do simple things around the house like take out the trash (he now just piles the trash around the garbage can). In fact for the last three months his girlfriend has been our second topic of conversation outside of him helping out.

    His girlfriend, who I could care less for, has gotten comfortable at our place but has yet to contribute anything. She has t been my favorite since the first time I met her after he asked for a tampon for her at 4 in the morning especially since I didn’t respond until 7 that day. (Not to mention we have a 24hr Walgreens just a 5 minute drive away). But being the person I am, I have her two super tampons and sent her on her merry way! BIG MISTAKE! Since then she’s asked me for all kinds of stuff from hair brushes to nail polish and even lotion.

    Lately she’s been over the house 3-4 times a week. Usually she spends the weekend there which I’m cool with since those are my roommates days off but it annoying when she comes by during the week because she will be there on the weekend too and she will make herself at home.

    To make matters worse the girl likes to walk around at times with nothing but her panties and a few shirt or sometimes with just a tee and nothing under. I may be a woman but I do NOT want to see anyone else’s female parts.

    It’s been really uncomfortable considering she’s a little insecure and doesn’t like the thought of him having a female roommate although I do not want him at all. She tends to give me attitude or disrespectfully not acknowledge me when I’m there.

    As far as my roommate goes, he’s so love struck that anytime I talk to him about it he gets defensive or makes excuses for her behavior.

    Recently I had to ask her to leave after repeatedly asking my roommate not to leave anyone in the house when we aren’t there do to a number of reasons. It makes me really uncomfortable especially when he leaves her there. After doing so, politely, and giving her ample time to her dressed she took to twitter to call me profane names and insinuate that I wanted to do things with her man. Everything that I felt about her seemed to be true.

    Yet again he made excuses for her behavior and blamed me for the situation. I’m not even sure why she stays… There is nothing for her to do in out house. We don’t even have cable but I’m guessing its to let me know she’s there which she seems to like to do. (I forgot to mention she like to come in loud and boisterous at 1 or 2 am on weekdays. I’m not sure what to do about them though, I’ve tried talking to my roommate but I’ve been falling on def ears. He seems to think since he pays rent as well he can do whatever he pleases. Oh and he claims he’s the man of the house! Ha!

    Help!!!

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Dear I Tried,

      Usually we recommend sitting down with the roommate and talking through your problems — but it sounds like you’ve already tried that. I would say, give talking it through one more go, but simultaneously start looking for new places to live. Tell your roommate that you’re serious about moving out if things don’t change. Give he and his girlfriend a week, and if nothing changes, give your notice and plan to live elsewhere. Yes, it’s not fair that you may have to leave when you weren’t the problem … but it’s also true that if you do move out, you’re almost certain to find a much better situation for yourself. At this point, you need to look out for number one.

      Alex

      Reply
  19. Upsetandfrustrated

    Hi alex,
    Im so glad i came across this as i have no idea what to do!
    So my bf and i have been together 3 years and have a place of our own, we also have our bestfriend as our housemate. We have all lived together for 2 years and our housemate has been single for most of it with the occasional dates. We are all very close and have had no problems living with each other until now.

    He has started dating a girl now for the past 5 weeks and its already horrible! She stays over from thurs – monday! He doesnt ask us, he simply tells us 5 mins before she gets here. She doesnt and has never offered to help with any of the choresand helps herself to food and coffees! She also rocks up at 1am after her shift to simply sleep the night.

    Now her personality isnt much better, she says she has violent anger fits when she is stressed out, she doesnt sleep and she talks like a baby even tho shes 25! She only talks about herself and if you talk she stares out into space and does not pay attention. So making an effort to get to know her is challenging.

    I dont know what to do or how to speak to my house mate about this. I have spoken to my bf but he doesnt want to say anything incase we come off sounding like parents. Please help this situation is so upsetting.

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Dear Upset and Frustrated,

      This does sound like a nightmare scenario, particularly since you and your BF had been getting along so well with your bestfriend housemate previously. It sounds like you’re dreading talking with him, but that’s just what you need to do. Here’s how: focus on the frequency with which his girlfriend comes over, the fact that she does not do any chores, and that she eats food and drinks coffee without asking. Leave her personality out of it. Frame the discussion as follows: “Hi Bestfriend-housemate, it’s great that you have a girlfriend; we’re happy for you. But it seems that she’s become a fourth roommate without your intending it … she’s welcome to come over, of course, but since the space was designed for three we just want to make sure she’s helping out, and we also don’t know that it’s appropriate that she comes over for a long weekend every weekend.” Among other things, suggest that your housemate go to her place every other weekend. Your housemate likely won’t be happy about it (and he may accuse you of being parental), but you’ll have got the ball rolling. Until you start talking with him, the situation’s not going to improve.

      Reply
  20. Bubble_gum

    Hi all,

    I guess I am at the other side of this conversation, I am “the” gilfriend lol. I actually feel bad for being over at my boyfriends house a lot, but I live in a room the size of a closet.. so it just isnt good enough to “hang-out”.

    The situtation is like this: my boyfriend, his good friend and another guy have leased a house together 12 months ago. I stay over maybe 3 times a week, but sometimes it is more than that.

    I dont eat anyones food (I buy my own and cook dinner for everyone), I make sure when I shower in the mornings I am not getting in the way, I clean up after myself and most of the time I come over really late and they are all going to sleep (not to interrupt their hang-out time).

    I am a bit paranoid about my boyfriends good friend as he makes comments how I am always over. He is a bit dramatic as he is the only single guy in the house and is desperately looking for a gf. When he was dating a girl she was over 5 nights in a row and no one was bothered, so in a way he can be hypocritical. Anyways, I dont think I get in anyones way, I even stay in my bf’s room working on the computer while he is out with his friend in the back playing ball or whatever. When I cook I always make enough food for everyone, and vice versa.

    My questions are:

    a) Am I being too much?Since my boyfriends close friend is making comments about me always being over, and
    b) should I cool it off a bit? (although my bf will probably get upset as he is the main instigator behind me staying over so much)

    Thanks :)

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hello Bubble,

      It sounds like you’re being a respectful guest. You’ll note that many people on this thread are annoyed by Significant Others who take over the shared space, never clean up, always hog the bathroom, and eat everyone’s food. Based on what you’re describing, it sounds like you do none of these things, and are conscientious of others. Also, three nights a week is a lot, but not ridiculous.

      So: no, I don’t think you’re being “too much,” but it may be prudent to talk to the roommate who’s made the comments, and explain that you want to be respectful (… and point out that you make him dinner!) and ask if they’re something you can do — explain what you’ve explained here, and ask if he disagrees with your assessment that you’re careful to be a good guest. Likely, this will nip the problem in the bud, and the friend will be glad to have been acknowledged.

      Alex

      Reply
  21. uncomfortable

    How about this one –

    I recently moved in with my good friend of 15 years and everything was going well. It was a much better atmosphere than my previous house where my two housemates ended up becoming a couple – they were still great people and I lived there 2 years, I just felt like a less complicated housemate environment.

    2 months after we move in, my housemate tells me she is seeing my (twin) brother. They are well suited, and as a sister and friend I don’t have a huge problem with it, I just don’t want to live in the same house as her while it develops and put such a big strain on our very old friendship. We’re locked into the house lease for a year and I’m pretty uncomfortable – but I do want them to work out.

    I don’t want to live with her if she’s dating my brother but I don’t want to be the one to move out of our awesome house and leave our other housemate. I want to speak up but don’t want to put pressure on their relationship (this must be awkward for them too) or our friendship. If I do decide to move out to give them space and perhaps better preserve our friendship, I can’t escape this relationship at my family home either – my brother is moving there.

    I just want to give them space and get space from them. I’m not sure whether I should be the one to make the sacrifice of moving out, even though perhaps I have the problem.

    Thoughts? Maybe I’m overreacting but this sure is awkward and emotionally I’m a lot less okay with it than I thought I would be.

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Uncomfortable,

      It sounds like you’re doing a great job thinking through the ramifications of what’s developing — and you’re avoiding a huge blow-up, or doing something that everyone might regret later. I don’t think anyone is a “problem” in this situation, but you’re right that it might be easier for you if you weren’t there as the romance is happening. I would say you should discretely discuss it with your housemate — explain that you’re happy for her, but also a little bit uncomfortable, and ask if she has any thoughts. Who knows … she might feel equally awkward about the living situation. If everyone’s calm and respectful, you can likely work out a solution … whether it’s you moving out, your roommate moving out, or your brother and roommate agreeing to spend more time away from the home.

      Good luck!

      Alex

      Reply
  22. meccahi

    I’m so glad I found this site. I’m living in a similar situation, and I’m not sure how to deal with it. Sad thing is, my roommate isn’t some college kid..he’s a 55 year old man. When I moved in, I told him that I was not ok with alcoholics or drug addicts ( turns out, he’s been the latter, and is currently the former). Getting drunk almost every night, blaring music at 3am, leaving messes, and not cleaning up after himself.
    Well, now he’s found himself a girlfriend ( from the bar of course!). She’s been over, and spent the night..ever.Single.Day. I asked him after day 4 if she was living here and he said no.. but so far that doesn’t seem to be the case. She’s over every single day, sleeps over every night, and is here when he goes to work. She says she has a job, but I have yet to see her actually GO to it.
    I think she’s a nice enough person, but I work from home, and value my quiet time AND my privacy. Having some random person I don’t really know here while he’s gone is just awkward. I’m finding it extremely rude that roommate has pretty much just moved her in without even talking to me about it. When I tried bringing it up to him he said that she had her own house and babbled about how big it was. That’s great, roommate. Then why doesn’t she GO HOME!
    I can’t afford to move out.. but this is frustrating me to no end. I pay my half of rent and utilities. I’m not here to pay someone else’s way.

    Reply
  23. Nightshift medic

    My situation is a lot like everyone else’s, a girlfriend overstaying her welcome, with a couple different problems.
    One of roommates is my best friend, and has been since highschool. We’ve always been very open about things, rarely got into arguments, and got along great with all his other girlfriends. The primary reason I moved out of my place I was renting was to help my friend out because one of his roommates moved out and left them without that month’s rent and they wouldn’t be able to afford the next month’s rent, thus forcing them to move. Above all I like the place, and it’s location. Everything has been fine until he met his latest girl. They’ve been together for about 1.5 years now and I’m convinced the only reason she pays for her own apartment, is for it’s closet. She literally gets off work, goes to her own place, gets new clothes, and comes over to my place and waits for my roommate to get home because she knows where we hide our spare key. She then stays the night, gets up about the time I get off shift at the hospital (I work 12hr nightshifts) and uses our only bathroom with my roommate for about an hour. If I don’t use the bathroom at work before I get off, I usually have to go to the restaurant down the street just to use a toilet. I hate doing this. I’ve tried knocking on the door and asking them to finish, but that doesn’t speed her up at all. Then I go to watch one of my shows I have recorded and they’re cuddled on the couch watching their show. One morning I got home after work and found her car parked in my spot, which I was going to let slide, but then I wanted to take a shower only to find all the hotwater was gone…for the first time in more years than I can remember I lost my temper and had a heated argument with my roommate, which didn’t accomplish anything except strain our relationship. His argument is that the rent is the same regardless of how much water/power/etc is used. The bottom line is I don’t feel like me and my roommate are the friends we used to be, and I don’t have any “Me time” at my own house. Just being home and having to share the house with her makes me on edge and continuously upset. It used to work out great because my roommate would be headed to work about the time I head to bed, and home after I’ve gone to work, but now she just stays at our place until she goes to work with the tv going and noise I don’t care for while I’m trying to sleep.
    I’m trying to find a time when I can talk to my roommate without her around, but she is obsessed with him because he is “out of her league” (and my roommate has even told me this). He’s mentioned liking his own “me time”, but hasn’t done anything about it either.
    It also makes it hard to invite other friends over because I know the roommate and/or his girl with be there taking up all the amenities.
    I could probably write a novel on all this but I’ll stop here. All this will hopefully come to a close in the near future because my roommate and I are going to go out soon, maybe play some pool, and have a good neutral talk over the matter. I’m fine with moving out, I just wanna make sure our friendship doesn’t move out too so to speak.

    Thanks for allowing me to rant,
    -medic

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Medic,

      No problem; we’re all ears. It sounds like you have the situation fairly well under control — that said, if your talk doesn’t create action, stick to your plan to move out. Everyone needs their own “me time” … and if moving out is what it takes to get it, that’s what you need to do.

      Alex

      Reply
  24. philly

    Thank you Alex for your response.I should have known something was up when we got the apartment my brother and his girlfriend came up to me and ask was it ok if she still came over. I was thinking you know after the work week maybe weekends or maybe a couple times out of seven days….guess not. Like i said earlier it has been 4 months and counting i even had to ask my mother what to do because it is hard talking to my brother he is the eldest of us hard to believe i know. My mother said she will talk to his girlfriend and she left 02/09/2013 and came back 02/11/2013 and my brother also left with her which he was not supposed to because where she live only the people that is on the contract can be there. so if he get caught there he can get put off premises or arrested. she can lose her apartment and then she will be back for good. catch 22 i know i’m just going to downplay it until my lease is up and move my wife and I out of town.

    Reply
  25. philly

    my brother moved in with my wife and I. now we share a two bedroom apartment. When he moved in a couple days later his girlfriend and her son started coming over and never went home not even once it has been 4 months. she has her own 2 bedroom apartment no roommate and she drinks a lot. when she drinks she is up all night banging stuff around looking for cloths and junk mail to shred. Washes dishes that still has food stuck on them when i take them out the cabinets.where she lives close to her sons school so by her being drunk and hungover at my house her son misses school.so now he is around the house messing with toothpaste and trying to cook his own food and he is only seven and is allowed to do whatever he wants if she is sleep or not.

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Philly,

      This is a serious problem. First and foremost, you should not tolerate your brother and his girlfriend’s behavior. This is your apartment; if she has an apartment of her own, she needs to live there. Second, based on what you’ve described with the 7-year-old, it sounds as if you should call Child Protective Services, or some sort of social service agency. A 7-year-old should not be left to his own devices as you describe, nor should he be missing school because his mother is too drunk/hungover to take him. You need to stand up for yourself and for the child.

      Reply
  26. Billy

    Jeez, it is nice to see that other people out there have situations similar to mine. I moved in with a friend from high school, we are both 23 now, this year. He has had the same girlfriend since high school, and I was friends with her so I thought it would be cool. I had no idea what I was in store for.
    This girl would not know what to do if she was away from her boyfriend for more than a day. Since we have moved in, she has only not slept at out house 8 times. She will hang out here waiting for him to get home watching t.v or working on projects for her classes that take up the whole living room.
    It is starting to sketch me out a little bit, though. She may be unhealthily obsessed with him. She live about 3/4 of a mile away, but will never go home. Her computer broke and, while her roommate has an extra computer, she has to use her boyfriends because she has stuff saved on it (umm email it to yourself?). It is to the point where she finds reasons to be in the same room with him at all times. I have even walked past his room while he was taking a shit with the door open, as guys will do, and she will be sitting on the bathroom floor infront of him talking.
    A few weeks ago, my roommate was out at a school sponsored event and did not have his phone on him. He did not answer his gf’s calls. So, what does she do? wait for him to call her back like a normal person? NO. She used the key that he gave her, that was initially our hidden key incase we were locked out, to come over while we were both gone and destroy his room. She took all his drawers out of his dresser, put his pillows and clothes in the bathtub with the water on, and even dragged his mattress outside.
    Should I be scared? Someone please offer some advice.

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Billy,

      The short answer is that, yes, this is a serious problem — based on the actions you describe, I don’t think there’s any question that your roommate’s girlfriend is unhealthily dependent and controlling. As a roommate, you’re obviously in the path of a destructive relationship.

      My advice would be to have a talk with your roommate. Help him recognize that his girlfriend has serious issues that need to be addressed, and encourage him to talk with her about them. Ideally, she would see a counselor/psychiatrist regularly and begin to overcome these issues. Among other things, she should be encouraged to develop interests aside from your roommate, there should be limits on how often they see each other, and she should begin building her own life. The issues she’s having are not just unsettling — it sounds like a serious mental health problem that needs to be addressed.

      That said, addressing it may or may not be successful, and will likely turn out to be messy. So, if you lease is up soon, I would not renew: politely explain to your friend that you’re planning on living elsewhere for the next year and get a studio or find a different roommate in a different apartment. After all, there’s no reason you need to be in the middle of what will likely be a chaotic and stress-inducing situation — you’re just an innocent bystander.

      Best of luck.

      Reply
  27. Dawn

    I am looking for an objective opinion. I have very limited experience with roomates. About a year and a half ago a relative of a friend of mind was being evicted from his apartment and I felt bad for them and I had an extra bedroom so I offered to let him (and his cat) stay with me so he could get back on his feet. I never busted his chops about money at all and in fact, in the entire time he has been staying with me, he has never paid me more than 25% of the monthly rent per month (nothing for utilities, internet, etc). About two months ago he told me he was seeing someone (he knew that I knew the girl and he originally lied to me about who it was. Anyway, I told him point blank that I have known her for several years, didn’t care much for her, and that she actually wasn’t even very nice to me. I told him I would make an effort to get along with her because of our friendship. She started out staying over a couple of night a week (he assured me that they were no where ready yet to live together and I didn’t need to worry about her being there every night). Guess what. She has stayed over for the last six nights. I am beside myself and am wondering if I am being unreasonable. He is actually acting like I am doing something wrong by not wanting to feel uncomfortable in the apartment that I pay for (he contributed about 25% of the rent this month). Any advice???

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Dawn,

      It sounds like you need to sit down with your “friend” and have a talk. He’s taking advantage of you: you did him a favor by providing him lodging until he got back on his feet. Now, a year and a half later (!!), he’s still there, and he doesn’t pay his far share of expenses. Now, even worse, he’s taking over the place. You need to tell him that he’s no longer welcome to live in the apartment, and set up a timeline for his exit. Give him two months to find a new place, and get it in writing. Talk about the situation to the friend to whom he’s related, as well as your friends, so there’s social pressure for him to leave. (If necessary, you may also need to consult with a lawyer and/or your landlord if he resists moving out.) Also, start putting up ads for a share and show his room, since you’ll want someone (who pays their full share of rent) to take his place.

      It sounds like you’ve been letting him trample all over you for a while now — be firm with him and keep *your* best interests in mind.

      Reply
  28. Brenda

    My story is I’ve been together with my boyfriend for about 4 to 5 years and I moved up to Washington from Idaho last year. So my boyfriend convinced me to move with him and his friend apt thinking we would have an easy time for the time being just by renting out an extra room he had. So we were discussing it more and it would only be temporary and I gave in. I didn’t know that the guy is an alcoholic and likes to drink himself to sleep every night and I have to tolerate his drunk behavior. The guy is so ignorant and possessive over our things because he pays for some of the utilities. I got a job but they only offered a part time so I took it since it’s close by the apt. Anyways I pay for my part of the food, utilities, rent, toiletries, kitchen supplies, laundry supplies, and, phone. We can’t afford to move out at all. I’ve just had enough with my boyfriend and his friend. It’s ruin our relationship and worst I got pregnant two months later after moving in and I am afraid of being a single parent at the age 21. Things can’t really get worse can it?

    Reply
    • Alex Alex

      Hi Brenda,

      I’m sorry to hear about this. It sounds like you’re in a very serious situation. If your parents are at all supportive, we would recommend talking with them, or else finding another experienced adult to talk with, or seeking the help of a counselor. Weigh all your options, stay strong, and keep your head up. Best of luck.

      Reply
    • Admin

      Hi Brenda,
      The baby changes everything, for you but also for your boyfriend. You both need to figure out how to get into a healthier living situation before the baby arrives. Would you be able to get a full time job, if you did not have to live close to that bad apartment? How about your boyfriend? Better paying jobs could allow you to move to someplace better. And have a heart to heart talk with that boyfriend of yours about your future together. Raising a baby is easier and more fun (yes, fun!) with two parents.
      I also agree with Alex that you should first look for support/advice from family or maybe a close older friend.
      Good luck with everything.

      Reply
  29. lizs

    so i turned 18 and moved out of my moms into a one bedroom and was there for 6 months and a friend of mine decided he wants to move out of his moms house so i move into a 2 bedroom for him so he can move out and six months into the move he decided his off and on girl who is 17 needs to move in and comes in my room and says hey my girl is gonna move in. doesnt ask says she is it is my apartment and my lease i am not ok with this me and her are not cool i tolorate her but we cool and today and asks when is our lease up. hunny it aint your lease you are here cause of my good graces and i am here to tell u will leave just as easly and just as blessed!

    Reply
  30. Andy

    I literally googled “girlfriends who overstay their welcome” and it led me to this beautiful site.

    I thought living with these two guys would be awesome, they seemed cool and I was getting along fine with them until one of my roommates got a girlfriend. A girl he met ONE DAY PRIOR, decided to sleepover the second day she knew my roommate. She then proceeded to sleepover for 31 days STRAIGHT. I would know because I counted. She is literally a USELESS sack of sh*t. She rarely cleans up after herself, uses all of our utilities, I find myself constantly tripping over her sh*t and makes no contribution to cleaning or paying any of the bills. Did I mention she has her own damn dorm? Yet, she uses our house for everything, EVEN HER LAUNDRY, she can freaking do it at her dorm! Oh and GET THIS, she parks her car in the driveway LIKE SHE PAYS RENT OR SOMETHING cause she’s too f****** cheap to buy a parking permit. I literally dream of throwing rocks at her car.

    TO MY MISTAKE, I thought it would all blow over and that they would break up, and guess what, it didn’t freaking happen! DO NOT SIT AROUND WAITING FOR THE PROBLEM TO FIX ITSELF. Take a proactive stance and deal with it right away.

    Reply
  31. irked

    How do you tell your brother, who still lives with you that his girlfriend is annoying. I’m pretty much in this situation. I know it’s my brother, and I know it’s his girlfriend, however, I just moved home from university from one super annoying roommate situation to this situation. She stays at my house all day while my brother is working. An example, she literally hasn’t left my house in a week. She slams everything in the house, the fridge, the cupboards the doors. When she’s here and my brother isn’t if she has to go out somewhere, she’ll leave the front door unlocked (which no one in my family does) just so she can get back into our house. Sometimes my brother gives her the key to our house so she can (come study) but she’ll come at 8 am, while I’m still sleeping, struggle to open the door because she can’t somehow wrap her brain around how a deadbolt works until I get so annoyed that I get up and open the door and then laughs about it. I literally spend all day in my room because I feel like I can’t be me in my own home and there’s no way I want to move back to my university house for the summer. Oh, I forgot to mention she has a 3 year old daughter which she clearly doesn’t see much of because she’s literally ALWAYS at my house.

    fml.

    Reply
  32. djMark

    This has been going on for 6 freaking months. One of my roommates who is as lame as a plank found his mule at some party and they hooked up. Ever since she’s been “living” in our house (4guys total) and all they do is watch tv and make food 24/7. Apparently she’s got her own place but she is at the house more than I am. The house isn’t that big and it’s just super awkward whenever you’re around her. She never talks! She eats all his food and its a guy house, so we should be cool with not having to worry about too much privacy, but not with her around. I play on the University men’s soccer team and she’s bigger than I am. I always know when she’s around cuz the house shakes. Someone please bake some cookies outside so she can smell them and leave this place!

    Reply
  33. chillPill

    I live with my best friend of 7 years and his gf who has become a mutual friend. Problem lies in the fact that 4 months ago they got back to gether after a 6 month breakup and now are trying to pretend that neither of them cheated on each other and are perfect angles until one or both get a hair up their ass and start fighting. He won’t “let” her move out and she is full of fake threats to move out.

    All of this causes major stress for me because he is my friend and i want to help him through this. Recently I have learned my advice is not wanted but they both fail to realize I still live here and have to deal with their fighting, awkward silence, rude comments and being lured into backstabbing conversations.

    I am at a lost, I do not know what to say or do. I don’t want to move out and I don’t want to lose him as a roommate. I just want her GONE or at least the drama to end. Any suggestions????

    Reply
  34. kyle

    im currently living in a dorm room with my roomate (kid looks like he is 12 years old but i still thought he was a pretty decent guy). Hes not a good looking person so i wasnt surprised that the first girl he brought over looked like a male donkey. basicly she started comming over more frequently which kina made me feel uncomfortable. I dont think there has been a day over the last two months that she hasnt been over the room at least for a few hours. It makes me cringe at how utterly whipped my roomate is for a girl that comes over every single day and smokes half of his weed and eats ALL of his food. the sad part is that it took him about 3 months of this along with selling his Xbox just to buy tickets to a hockey game she had no actual interest in being at to finaly get laid. (and trust me, no man with self worth would mount this beast) It makes me so incredibly uncomfortable when the two of them are “cuddling” in his bed while im 10 feet away. I can hear him talking like the biggest pussy in the world to her and literaly acts like a child. I understand that he is obsessed with her (even though i have no idea why), but i am at the point of snapping on either him or the both of them at the same time. I have made a few different indirect comments torwards him that she is ALWAYS over but apparently he doesnt have the mental capicity to understand the hint. Enough is enough, anyone who says that keeping quiet is the best idea dont know what they are talking about.

    Reply
  35. Evan

    I can so relate to these stories, and I really need to rant. I live in a dorm with one roommate, who is a nice guy though we don’t have anything in common nor do we ever hang out. His girlfriend lives two houses down, and has a room to herself. Yet she is over nearly every single night. It wouldn’t be a problem if they were normal respected that it’s my room too, but when they are together it is literally as if I was not in the room. They don’t actually make out or have sex, but it still is so uncomfortable since they always cuddle and smooch and talk cutesy to each other, it’s absolutely revolting.

    I have brought it up with him on multiple occasions that it is weird for me when they do that sort of stuff with me in the room, sitting literally 5 feet away. I also have asked that they spend more days over at her place, as she has a room all to herself. The first time I confronted him he agreed, but the very next night she was back. I quickly learned that she was wearing the pants in the relationship.

    The kicker is this- he actually proposed to her IN OUR BEDROOM. I walked in unknowingly two minutes after he actually popped the question, and had no idea what was going on. He had set up a table and chairs and dinner IN OUR DORM, didn’t tell me anything beforehand. I easily could have walked in just moments earlier and would have completely ruined the moment. Not that I would have cared. But seriously how lame of a proposal is that? And now that they’re engaged she’s over much more often. The semester is winding down so I’m just trying to survive this til the end.

    Reply
  36. Breaking point

    OMG. Had my best friend move into my place, cause I was getting a job that I’d be away a lot during the day. And I needed someone to take care of my dog, mostly. Perfect fit. Sure enough got laid off two weeks laid off and right around that time he found her. So in under 3 weeks after, she has 3 drawers in the dresser and half my bathroom is hers. So last week I tell me him so she’s gotta start paying. Shes here all day during the week, and sleeps over everynight. All wrapped up together on the couch. I honestly sit on the floor now. Or locked in there room, shits getting ridiculous. So I ask her to pay a this month, side not I asked to pay 150$. Nice guy? Right. A month ahead. She didn’t believe she needed and asked why. I told her that basically already has. And she was lucky I didn’t put the beginning and after months together. So if she doesn’t pay me tomorrow and gives me shit about rent. Theres the door. I don’t want to loose my friend over this action but I’m not going not want to be in my own home.

    Reply
  37. Tommy Boy

    I’ve Been Living with this exact problem for three months now. My roommate has decided to move in his annoying girl friend whom i do not like in the least. they have been staying in the room every night together and are in the room a majority of the day as well even though his girl friend has a town house and no roommate. they like to do such activities as dry hump with me in the room. i have brought the issue to his attention several times however i get bs excuses such as her bed is too hard or she doesnt have a tv. some of these people just do not get the message until somebody snaps. the RA is the next to hear about it because i am at the end of my rope.

    Reply
  38. Cliff

    im currently living with my best friend from high school. we had went to separate colleges so only saw each other every other month so one month he comes back and says he is taking over his parent apartment and i should move in, im like hell yeah roomin with my best-friend would be awesome. but as satan jumped in he brought a gf into the mix. he decides to move his gf of 3 months in too. who is loud, inconsiderate and disrespectful to no end. weve been here for five months now and ive endured god knows how many moments on annoyance where she didnt wash her dishes, speaks on the phone on loud speaker daily, hogged the internet to watch cartoons, rants and raves about guy smells in a house full of guys. it all came to a halt today when i asked her to remove her laundry from the washer and she acted like child and responded that sounds like a you problem. we had had this issue before so i was even more pissed at her response. i began explaining to her how that was unfare to which she screamed and picked up a frying pan and swung at me. i put her in a head lock till i removed the frying pan from her, then she called my best friend and he took her side saying its normal for people to just leave there luandry around and that i should just use the tub when she was blocking the washer i thought to gut them both but i calmed down and am now looking for a new place and new friends.

    Reply
  39. Lourdesita22

    I am mostly directing my comment to the Long winded and Ever defending person calling himself ANNOYED.People just don’t understand that you could be the nicest person in the world. The other person did not sign up to essentially live with you. You have got to go . You finding somewhere to hang till your girlfriend is home is not good enough – find somewhere else to crash -period. It’s not fair to have another person in the space -no time at all , staying over is a no no. Take you and your cooking some place out of the space . She did not sign up to live with you.Point Blank

    Reply
  40. Meredith

    Yes! This is exactly what I’m going through–my roommate is unwilling to change his ways, and I’m getting so fed up that I’m basically paying for a freeloader. The other thing is that they are so in love and attached that it’s sickening.

    I really want to ask both of them to get the f&&k out at this point and I’ll find another friend to live with, because I’m not moving out just because he fell in love too goddamn fast.

    He’s really messing up my experience in what would have been an awesome apartment…

    Reply
  41. Applehat

    First off let me just say-FOR THE LIFE OF ME….I do not understand how 2 people literally can be with each other LITERALLY 24 hours a day. what happened to me time?

    I lived in a place with 4 rooms and 4 girls. I had to go through the “boyfriend from hell” not once, not twice, but three fucking times.

    1 roommate number one had a boyfriend who refused to shower and played and BROKE our xbox360, rock band equipment,and our wii. And was always trying to hit on us when she wasn’t there.
    -What killed me about this, was they had a room yet they still saw fit to suck face, smoke, and have sex in our common room.

    we kicked her out only to get another love sick jackass of girl

    2 roommate number two was needy and sickly, if she wasn’t actually sick she would certainly be faking it for the attention. which made her 9000lbs boyfriend do everything for her, even bathe her, how do I know? because they never closed their door and they happily had sex out in the open and walked around naked.

    we kicked her out to get our current queen of shitty bf

    3 roommate number three literally has a man that never leaves her side. she takes online classes and has her grocceies delievered to her so she stays in 6 out of 7 days of the week, thus he says 6/7

    its to the point now where he calls us his family, and our place HIS home @____@ and we constantly keep telling her to have him leave(he lives in our complex a floor above!) and she keeps insisting his not being here for 1 day out of the week breaks her heart too damn much.

    So do what I do when your roomie’s bf/gf is overstaying their welcome. be blunt and let them know that they will have to pay some rent if they’re gonna be there that much and if you need to, break them up

    Reply
  42. Annoyed

    I once lived with a friend whose gf stayed for days on end in the apartment and was in effect an non-paying tenant, which was a nightmare and ended up in a serious row and lost frienship. So I am acutely aware of the problems which a free-loading bf or gf can cause of they over stay their welcome.

    But I also have a view from the opposite side of the issue.

    My girlfriend lives in a duplex apartment with another girl who is also the landlady. I live in another town 4 hours drive away, and usually visit once a week for one or two nights, sometimes on the weekend and sometimes during the week.

    I am self-employed while my gf works in an office, so if I stay over during the week or on Saturday’s when she is working I usually bring my laptop so I can get some work done myself while she is out during the day. When she comes home, we cook dinner, get a dvd, go out or whatever, often with the landlady.

    Recently, the landlady told my gf that I have to vacate the house if my gf isn’t there, as she said she “doesn’t feel comfortable” with me being there on my own. Now, prior to this I have only ever met this girl when with my gf. We have had numerous conversations and evening together and I thought we all got on fine, as did my gf, and my gf and her are good friends. She has never been in a position with me, that I can think of, to have made her feel ill at ease. We have never had any disagreements, never any conflict over food or washing up etc. I bring my own food, or buy groceries for the house, every time I stay. I never eat food that doesn’t belong to me or my gf. I use my gf’s en-suite bathroom. I cook for both of them regularly – at the landlady’s request, I add – as I’m a decent chef and the landlady has said that likes my style of cooking. I’m tidy and live out of a small backpack when I stay.

    I perfectly understand that this is her house, that she has every right to set whatever rules she wishes, and that I am a guest. But her demand means that I either wander around the town for the 9 hours that my gf is at work (which means that I get none of my own work done), or I don’t visit for more than a single evening / night.

    After her initially telling my gf that I could stay whenever I want, I take this as a bit of an insult – not just the realisation that she doesn’t trust me, but we get on well enough that I would have expected her to have the courtesy to say something to my face. I feel it also shows a lack of trust in my gf’s judgement. My gf is also confused. And now it means I unfortunately don’t get to see my gf as much, unless I decide to take days off work to wander about for 9 hours till my gf comes home, or spend 8 hours on the road to go back and forth between my place and hers, which is just not realistic.

    I think the solution is always communication – address these issues up front before they become problems. I guess for my part it is partly my own fault for not raising the issue myself with my gf’s landlady earlier – explaining that I would like to stay dring the day just one or two days a week and why, and seeing if she was cool with it, and if not then whether there could be a compromise. Likewise, if you find that your flatmate’s partner is constantly living in your face, you need to speak up; discuss the issue(s) in a rational and adult manner – explain what the problem is, look for middle ground if there is any, and if not then by all means put your foot down and say “enough is enough”. You shouldn’t lose a friend if you ask them to work with you on solving the problem, but if you do then maybe they’re not the friend you thought they were.

    Reply
  43. Derek

    I see that this is a very common problem as I am myself stuck in this situation.

    My roommate is my best friend (and consequently the landlord as well) of the house I’m currently living in. He’s recently been very serious with this girl over the past 3 months. She’s over here nearly everyday and I’ve come home to basically seeing her always snuggled up on the couch in the living room with my best friend.

    I want to be happy for him, I really do..but there’s a part of me that doesn’t. Is that wrong? I don’t think there’s a simple answer to that question. However, back to my story.

    One of the worst parts about this situation is that my roommate understands how I feel and can relate. However, he told me that he can’t help but to feel strongly towards this girl and yet refuses to accept that our friendship has changed. He still feels like me and him should be best friends despite the fact he spends all his free time with her.

    Before she entered his life me and him used to watch sports and shows in the living room all the time. Now, I’m lucky if I can get in 2 or 3 words. I’ve tried just letting things go but I hear them constantly “going at it” upstairs in his room at all times of the night. I started to feel jealous, for natural reasons.

    So combined with her taking up space in a house that I rent in, I have to deal with all these emotions on top of essentially losing a very good friend.

    I’ve known him for over 10 years, he’s a great person and I don’t want to see this friendship slip away. However, how can you talk with to your roommate about his girlfriend problem if he’s always with her?

    Just thought I’d like to share. Had to say something just to get it out.

    Reply
  44. Charle

    My story is very much the same. I am room mates with my brother’s best friend from high school. Well, we used to have another room mate(who was a girl) that actually paid rent and helped out sometimes with the house. After she graduated and moved out, we get another room mate, another kid that graduated with my brother(brother’s in a different state by the way) Things go well for a while because he’s a nice guy, but then he brings his girlfriend into the mix. At first, it’s very subtle, she stops by every now and then. Now it’s become very frequent. She’s over every other day. The nicest thing to at least get on my good side would be to acknowledge my existence as a room mate that is paying his rent, but nope. She’s a complete free loader that is only staying here thanks to banging my room mate( the loud noises over the vents are proof enough they’re doing dirt) When I get home, I have to imagine the idea of someone already being their, taking my own parking space which I should have rights to in the first place. And then I have to share the bathroom with 2 people, instead of one person. Now she sleeps over every other night. We had a huge snowstorm, and my room mate(either madly in love or completely moronic) braved the harsh conditions just to go pick his girl up…..
    So I fell for everyone that is put into this situation. I think what it will boil down to is I’ll tell the landowner at the end of my lease that I liked the place, but if I’m paying rent for an extra room mate, I’d rather take my chances in the smelly, freshman populated dorms any day of the week…

    Reply
  45. Chev

    Im glad Im not the only one, I have a unique situation. My roomate started dating the neighbor on the otherside of our duplex. First off let me say that the only reason they are together is because I had the balls to go over and initiate contact with our neighbors. Well now they are in “love” and she is over twenty four seven. Even when he leaves for work she stays until her lazy ass gets out of bed. She showers and watches TV at our house! Even though her house is fucking 10 feet away. Thats the part that really gripes me. I had a partial understanding because Ive been in a situation where my girlfriend stayed over a lot. He was not my roomate at this time, but I let her sleep in occasionallly so she didnt have to DRIVE home right away. This bitch is literally 10 feet away! I mean come on. This really pisses me off, life was so much better when he wasnt pussy whipped by his girlfriend.

    My other roomate has a GF but she is never over and is really good about not overstaying her welcome. Uggh and to top it off is I got this guy a job and am is manager at work. Its my family business and If I confront him it will make thinks akward at work. Well I moving out in a couple months thank god.

    Reply
  46. Sean

    I have the same problem with my roomates girlfriend. I never thought I would actually hate someone as much as I do her. She is around 23 and still lives with her parents. So our place has turned into their “sanctuary” for her. I actually had a talk with him about it and thought things would actually change. I can see now that he is so goddamn whipped that he didn’t have the balls to reiterate to her what we talked about.

    So now I decided to go the passive-aggressive route and to email him a link to this page and hopefully he gets the point. If not, I told him that the clock is ticking before I just tell her myself and make it super awkward. Well….for her and him, I am past the point of giving a fuck.

    Reply
  47. Jrock

    I have never hated anyone as much a my roomates girlfriend!! The worst part is that my roomate is also family!!!

    I moved to my new apartment in May with my cousin! thought things would be cool! its hard enough living in a small space in manhattan, let alone living with family. But im easy to adjust and live with! My cousin has only been dating this girl 2 months prior to our move in date! he gave her a key the second day!!! Asshole! this girl is so gross! She never cleans up after her self! sleeps over 6 night out of the week! takes to long in the shower, and is not considerate of my time! she doesnt work and is only in school 1 day a week! She is 23 and a waste! i hate her! She always hangs out on my coach half naked!!! and laughs like a wild animal! she is so loud and slams the door all the time!!! i hate her! its starting to effect my relationship with my cousin!!!! i hate her!! i hate her!! i hate her so much!!!!

    wow that felt good!!!!

    Reply
  48. MrMe

    I understand completely, my roommate started dating this barely legal girl who not only runs the house like her personal vacation paradise, but manages not to pay any rent, because he’s an asshole and apparently not really my friend at all, shithead. She pays not rent, not a dime.

    ABC, your roomate is just like mine. Shit dude I’m sorry, I’m gonna take a vacation myself probably with family…. and a permanent one away from these nutcases. Emotionally needy men with pariah girlfriends, a bad combination.

    Her name is Jessica or whatever the fuck.. and she is from Hell.

    Reply
  49. abc

    I have an emotionally needy roommate (a guy!) and his neediness and selfishness have pushed me to the point of “fuck you.” He has no respect for me as a roommate. All he cares about is feeding his emotional needs by doing things like getting a dog (a huge dog!) without telling me, having different girls over all of the time, and now that he’s finally dating one girl (who doesn’t trust him ’cause she knows that he has cheated on her) he gave her the key to our apartment, not only without talking to me about it, he did it after I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS NOT OK WITH IT! You see, these emotionally needy people are not deserving of the attention they supposedly “need.” They are quite often self-centered and then when they do things (as my pathetic roommate has done!) that are completely disrespectful to others around them, in an attempt to feed their “needs,” they have the audacity to victimize themselves as though they have done nothing at all. And that’s when they deserve a great, big “FUCK YOU.”

    Reply
  50. angryman

    I have been dealing with this for 2 years. The most irritating part is that my roommate had the opportunity to move in with his girlfriend on 2 occasions. At 26 years old, I assumed he would move in with her, so I did not take the initiative to move out. Big mistake. That locked me in for another year of hell. It’s like having a seriously annoying needy girlfriend, but you don’t get to pound her for it. I am finally getting out in month.

    I disagree that confrontation is the appropriate choice here, especially if you are friends with the roommate. Just hold your tongue, and get out of the situation as soon as possible. Then he and Needy will think you are a nice guy and you can always remember that he is a whipped, inconsiderate, selfish douche bag with an irritating wife. Confrontation will only make the 2 of them think you are the ass.

    Reply
  51. Tavis Xavier

    I am in the same boat as most of you all. The funny part is that I have been living on my own for 15 years and I have experienced this phenomenon three times.

    First I will tell my latest story.

    Moved away to go back to college to acquire a new career path. My best friend was broken up about it and kept bugging me to move back because I was his coolest friend blah blah blah.

    I didn't like my program so I dropped out and moved back and who do you think I picked up as a roomy? Yeah the same guy. This guy is really chill but the very day I got back into town he brings his g/f over.

    I didn't even know he had a g/f and I know he gets a little strange when it comes to girls. Anyhow so she spent the night and has not left for the last 18days. She has officially slept here more than I have. So yeah, the guy is totally pistol whipped and spend his entire time with her. He wanted me to invite a bunch of our mutual friends over for St Patty's Day. I invited about 20 people over and he spent the entire time in his room because his g/f didn't want to socialize with us.

    He leaves for work and she stays here and watches tv and plays x360. She blares her music at 6am and the blender at 7am. She doesn't go to school nor does she have a job.

    I did the natural thing and waited for everything to be corrected on its own but it has been 18days so I have begun to be a little more proactive about the entire situation and started to text message my roomy about her (because one cannot talk to him because she is with him 24/7)

    She has her own place but chooses to hang here to avoid her roomies. Ohh the irony.

    The fact of the matter is this people, there is no sense living in misery. You have the right to feel comfortable and safe in your own dwelling. Take the offensive early and let the roomy know that his kind of behaviour is not acceptable.

    If you let sleeping dogs lye, then they get the idea that you are cool with what's going on. Remember that we all do stupid crap when we are in love and most of the time we are so pistol whipped and blind that we cannot see.

    Best case scenario, he changes his ways

    Worst case scenario you or him moves out ……and you can be free.

    Keep your stick on the ice.

    Reply
  52. Anonymous

    This really comes down to having the wrong roommates. You can't expect that people are change their lifestyles to please you — find a roommate that is like you and set up some ground rules, or live alone. Make sure when you move in that YOU are in a position where you can evict people that break he rules.

    If you can't figure this shit out with your current roommates, then find a different setup. Bitching and moaning behind their backs solves nothing. If you are actually talking to them and they aren't listening, then get yourself out of there or get them evicted, whatever is more convenient. If you can't get off the lease, tough. There are ways to deal with noise (fans, earplugs, music, tv on static), there are ways to deal with food theft (get a mini fridge in your room), there are ways to deal with people hogging common items (get your own tv, computer), etc. Deal with it for a few months then gtfo and never look back.

    If you want all the comforts of living with your parents (I imagine if you are bitching it was probably better at 'home'), then you're going to have to spend a little extra money on your surroundings.

    Next time you get a place with roommates, get at least 2 bathrooms — it will pay for itself in trauma avoided. Also, if it's available where you live get utilities included in the rent — ie. you don't have to worry about racking up a utility bill, it's prepaid. Better yet, live alone.

    Reply
  53. BdOlla

    Holy hell am I glad that I'm not alone. My roommate has a girlfriend that has been diagnosed as bipolar, and is without a single doubt the most annoying person I have ever met in my entire life. She looks high even when she's not, and she's too dumb to properly socialize with people, so she just stammers and looks like the complete idiot that she is. She has seriously been here at least 40 nights in a row now, and tends to use my shit quite often. She eats our food, pretends to be a vegetarian and is incredibly condescending about it to people, and then eats chick that her boyfriend cooks. She is completely incapable of sustaining herself, her bf has to cook her single thing she has ever eaten at our house. She drinks 6 Mountain Dews a day and is just absolutely nuts. She's here even when the bf is not, and it makes no sense. SHE HAS A VERY NICE DORM ROOM, one of the nicer ones I've seen, that is seriously 5 mofuggin minutes from our house, but she is NEVER THERE. If her BF and I leave the house for 5 hours, she'll stay and "sit in his bedroom," rather than go home like a normal person. I know for a fact that she doesn't just sit around, as she's done laundry here (without permission) and forgotten to put my clothes back in. Honestly, just typing this makes me want to punch somebody. She is the most useless human being I have ever encountered and I have nothing but ill wishes toward her. :-)

    Reply
  54. Anonymous

    Also forgot to mention that she brings over her little rat dog that yaps every time I walk in the door and pees all over the floor if I look at it. One time it jumped on my bed and peed on it. They also take long showers together (45 mins +) and take up the bathroom. I have had to go to the backyard and take a leak before because they were taking up the bathroom for an ungodly amount of time. For the record, as well, I didn't just halfheartedly suggest it was a problem, I told him flat out he needs to cut back.

    Reply
  55. Anonymous

    Yeah, I'm right there too. I have a small two person duplex and my roommate has his gf over pretty much EVERY night (5-6 nights/wk). I wouldn't have a problem with maybe 1 or 2 nights, but it's basically all the time. The thing is she lives like an hour and a half away and goes to school 2 hours away, so she wakes up at 6 a.m. to leave, is freaking annoyingly fakely southern, and loud. Also, my roommate gives her the keys while he's at work so she sits on MY couch, watching MY tv when I want to sit down and relax. I've told him that it's ok if she hangs out while he's there and it's okay to stay a couple nights a month, but he just ignored me and the issue persists. I wouldn't have such an issue if she contributed, but now I'm cleaning up after both of them, esp with her hair in the bathroom and am still payinig full rent and utilities (for my half). I actually suspect that she's helping with his costs and I'm just left with the brunt of it. Our place is small and I feel like a stranger in my own home. I get the strong feeling that she dislikes me, (which is understandable as I intensely dislike her) but I got a new Xbox for Christmas, and had beaten my new game, and he texted me asking if he could play, and I said "No, not while I'm not there, cause every time I let others play my games, my saved game gets somehow messed up", and besides, I wanted some time with my new toy before I had it hijacked like my tv. So I came back the other day and my entire profile and saved game were completely gone, deleted. I can't see him doing it, cause he's a nice guy, buy I can see her doing while he sits around laughing. That last part's just a rant though, as I'm still pissed, and mostly speculation.

    Reply
  56. Anonymous

    I'm not sure if anyone is still paying attention to this thread, but here goes…
    I have been staying at my bf's apartment a lot partly because we enjoy each others company and because I live far away and staying at his place is convenient when I don't want to leave the city. His roommate is hardly ever there. In fact, she stay's at her bf's apartment about as much as I stay at my bf's, if not more. And her bf lives 2 blocks away. She has been complaining to my bf that I stay over too much. There have been times when she has asked my bf not to have me stay over on a certain night and then she wouldn't even stay at home that night. I don't understand why she has a problem with me doing EXACTLY what she's doing? I could understand if I was there everyday and she was actually staying there, but she stays home MAYBE twice a week. My bf just kind of shrugs it off, but it actually pisses me off! Is there something I should say to her??

    Reply
  57. Anonymous

    My freshmen roommate, his girlfriend, and his other friend who is also my roommate are annoying. Almost every weekend their friends come over and make so much damned noise. They would yell nonsense words, talk really loud, and make so much noise. It is driving me crazy, and they are people you cannot reason with. this is my sophomore year, my freshmen year wasn't that bad. Anyway onto my roommate's girlfriend. She took my sodas not once but twice and uses my sink when she could use her boyfriend's. They also got caught having beer in the fridge and almost got in trouble. I really can't stand it anymore.

    Reply
  58. Anonymous

    I've been living with my bf for 2 yrs now in my town home. Recently he has bought his own house and wanted me to move with him so that I can rent my place out and since it is a big enough house we can have a roommate until june, which is fine because I then only have to put money towards utilities and I can start saving more $. Then I find out we are going to have a third roommate until Feb. so my bf can use that money towards furnishing the new house. Fine I'm even ok with that. But now moving day the third roommate wants to have his gf move down and stay in his room so she can start finding a job down here. This pisses me off!!! If I knew it was going to be this many people I would of NEVER rented my town home out!!! If I wanted to live in a dorm I would go back to school. Even though it's my bf's house and by us having roommates right now I can start saving money, but I don't want someone I know constantly @ the house. This is technically OUR house and I feel like I don't have much say in the matter but I am EXTREMELY uncomfortable with the situation. I feel like it will only cause fights. What should I do????

    Reply
  59. Anonymous

    So I have a debacle. My boyfriend and myself are on the leave to a house. We have had roommate troubles before where we had to ask people to leave. About 4 months before my boyfriend and I went home for the summer we got a new roommate and he has been wonderful. Clean, pays, overall nice, and respectful. We had left him at the house while we went home for the summer and without us knowing he left his girlfriend move in. Here is the kicker…she got kicked out of her house because she is the freeloading hippie type and so my roomie had her move in here. He did NOT tell us until we were driving back to school(a 15 hour drive). He called my boyfriend up and told him his girlfriend has been living in the house and her car is broken down on our driveway(oh yeah I live in a nice deed restricted neighborhood). Anyway my boyfriend and I decided immediately that she had to go but we decided to be fair and give her two weeks to move out. When we got down to our house and moved back in our house was filled with all of her stuff and filthy dirty. ( we actually had an inspection over the summer and it didn't pass the first time because it was so filthy and we had to beg for a second chance so we wouldn't get kicked out). The house was an absolute mess and things in the kitchen (glasses, dishes, bowls) were missing. My boyfriend and I were pretty upset about the missing things and messy environment. So when we had the chance we sat our roomie down and told him that his girlfriend had to leave in two weeks. Well two weeks go by and she never left….turns our my roomie was too…scared to tell her she had to move out. So then we had to extend the two weeks again but we told her in person. We told her she didn't have to pay but had to be out in three weeks. Three weeks go by and still not out. She said she found a place but couldn't get in for another month because of the lease. So we decided to make her pay for rent….(oh yeah all throughout the summer she did not pay a DIME! And so instead of splitting the rent 4 ways we split it 3 ways, causing us to pay for HER to live at OUR house). Anyways she complains about paying but finally manages to cough up the rent..

    Now here is my main problem. This girl is a leech. She is disrespectful of my property. She won't clean up after herself, she leaves cigarette butts all over the place. And she does things that I ask her not to do.

    Everything in that house is either my boyfriends or mine. We told our roommate that we had no problem sharing as long as he was respectful of our stuff(cleaned up after himself, didn't trash the place, etc). Well obviously his girlfriend believes she is on a higher peddestal than that. No matter how many times we talk to the girl she just says she will "try" but never does. I have about 2.5 weeks left (unless she has to stay ANOTHER month) and she is really driving me crazy. Now she is starting to purposefully do things just to rile me up. I really want to just throw her out.

    Her presence is so overbearing that I find myself finding no comfort in my home.

    Also I am worried that when she does move out she was jut continue to be exponentially overbearing!

    PLEASE tell me what I can do!!!!!

    I am afraid to confront her because I really do like my roomie and I don't want to cause tension but at the same time I CANNOT live like this is MY own house.

    Reply
  60. Anonymous

    Act like a really rude person in front of her. Fart burp scratch your ass come out of the shower naked and let her see you. If anything it would just be really fun. Tell her to go home. If she doesn’t understand the English point at her then the door and wave goodbye. Write your roommate a letter so he can’t ignore what you are saying. Take all of her stuff and put it in his room. Be proactive and take your space back!

    Reply
  61. Anonymous

    My roommate problem is not as bad as most but it still really makes me mad. My boyfriend and I have been together for 4yrs, and we are now living together. Almost a year ago a friend needed a place to live, we had only know him for a year. We needed help paying rent so we had him move into our second room. At the time he had no girlfriends he was just a player, new girl every few weeks. He didn’t touch our stuff and he mostly kept to his room. About a month ago this new girl(he cheated on the one before with this new girl) shows up. I left for the month to help my mom and when I come back she is in my home every night making dinner with my stuff and acting like she is the women of the house. My Bf didn’t tell me because he was at work the hole time and didn’t really know. I told my roommate that I didn’t like it and it wasn’t cool. And that listing to her baby talk and tell him she loved him every 5 seconds was too much. So, now she is still over every night they just go straight to his room and I get to go to sleep listing to her annoying giggles. He comes out makes dinner never cleans up all of his mess(there is a pan in my sink from Monday, that smells. My Tupperware has gone missing, I do all of the cleaning like ALL off it from the kitchen to the bathroom. she is using tp and soap and he doesn’t even pay for that. Now any time I see them even if she is not with him my blood pressure rises and I can’t stand either of them. OH! he is not even on the lease! I told him it would be less of a big deal if she actully stayed the night then stayed away for a couple days but no she still is here EVERYNIGHT and doesn’t even stay the whole night, I hear her leave sometime in the morning like 3 or so. I really HATE them!!!!! The bf says suck it up and I am over the top and we need the money. At least I got to get it out though thanks.

    Reply
  62. Daniel

    I have had the worst luck in my life with roomates. Unfortunately I havent been able to live on y own all the time. I’m not going to list all the horrible things that have been done to my home with roomates, I’ll just tell you it was bad! I’m sure a lot of you know what I’m talking about

    My current roomate. Really nice guy, clean and even pays me rent early sometimes. Its well appreciated the rent part since i’m unemployed. Back in April I lowered his rent 100 bucks and liked him so much I didnt raise it. This same month in April he met some chick that eventually turned into his girlfriend. I thought the first month when she was over 20 out of 30 days was just a phase, because my roomate wouldnt let his girlfriend live there half the time. I WAS WRONG. Let me say, when I met her she was nice i had no problem with her. Well EVERY weekend except 1 she has been at my house. Long weekends too. sometimes she would come thurs and stay till wed but usually the routine is fri-mon night. About 3 months ago i was sitting on my couch in my boxers they both come into the door. I wasnt expecting her so a grabbed my shit abruptly and went into my room. My roomate sensed something was wrong so he asked me. FINALLY after all that anger I rold him. I said I dont care if she stays here, its just she is here ALL THE FUCKEN TIME and I havent gone more then 4 days without seeing her. He felt bad and understood that I needed time off and some more space from her. I told him it was cool, and glad he knows now. The next weekend she didnt come over, he went somewhere with her. Since then back to the same shit! What the fuck didnt we talk about this already!?!?!?!? I have nothing against asian people, but she is one of those vietnamese chicks that barely speaks english, she’s loud and she is one of those people who screams when she sneezes. God dammit if I hear her sneeze 1 more time i’m gonna put a sock in her mouth. I can’t stand knowing shes in the house even though shes in his room a lot. She acts like HIS housekeeper too. scrubs his bathroom, HIS laundry, HIS room etc…She showers here, she cooks all kinds of nasty smelling shit, little by little her shit is staying here. You should see the kitchen. All these asian dishes take up half the space. When I talked to my roomate 3 months ago he agreed to pay the full rent i was charging him at the beggining. So pretty much he’s paying the same as when she didnt live there. Its a little bit about the money. My home costs a lot of money to operate and I have a mortgage. ITS MOSTLY ABOUT MY PRIVACY! I JUST WANNA BE ALONE! (alone meaning her not there). I never talk to her so its always unconfortable. I have no interest in being her friend or talking to her I just want her to FUCK OFF. leave me alone for a while! gimme some time off! I can’t stand her because I see her all the time! her annoying voice! ahhh :( My friends that don’t know my roomate are cool with him. Its just her. My friends arent goody goodys and they feel wierd with her there. She is a straight shooter. I don’t blame them. I have done everything to throw signs out there without bringing it up because I don’t wanna bring it up to him. He is just ignoring me or not paying attention. I turn the heat off when shes here. I go into my room and turn off all the lights in the house when she is over (doing this as of lately) I just want my house back. My kitchen. My laundry room, MY SPACE! any suggestions on how to hint to him his girlfriend staying all the time is a no no?

    Reply
  63. Anonymous

    So I have a Roommate whose girlfriend decides to stay with us for months on end. She slowly twiddled her way into my roommates room one article of clothing at a time. I have been friends with my roommate since pre-school. We split $300/$400 the rent since we have lived here and this is not the problem considering he asked me to live her under these circumstances and he himself has a trust-fund of somewhere upwards of $10 million. She is the most obnoxious bitch I have ever met and so spoiled you can smell her ass as soon as she steps out of her car in the parking lot of the apartment complex. To beat all of that I introduced him to her so he could get over his last girlfriend(rebound girl)…So I am typing all of this while she sits in the living room waiting for him to do something for her and eating all our food and watching t.v.. This girl just graduated High-school and knows she will be set for life with this guy/my best friend. They fight and brake up 3 times a week. Keep in mind they have just been together for 1 year. I try to be the friend and tell him she is using him for all he has and thats the only reason she is with him. He has bought her 3 Iphones, a laptop, basically a new car, housing for 6 months since she has been here, a wardrobe of the best clothes, you name it she has it. He continues this after she has cheated on him, and broke up with him for her X. On top of all this he probably has the worst case of anger management I have ever seen I mean this kid gets mad and puts hole sin the wall if he loses at Xbox games. Tell me how i am supposed to go about dealing with this someone?????

    Reply
  64. Anonymous

    Fuck fuck fuck fuck god damnit shit fuck ass damn shit penis face vagina ass dong cock face shit fuck damn ass and titts ass ass and titties!!!!!! Fuck! Seriously. I don’t want her fucking money! I just want my fucking space! If I’m here and especially if I’m sleeping, don’t fucking scream when you are fucking my roommate! Fuck fuck fuck you! I need to stop being a little pussy and straight up telling them I’m tired of their shit. Stupid whores suck! They suck they suck suck suck suck! a;sjkdf;laskjdf;lasjkdf;alsjdfjka I vented and I still want to punch people in the throat!

    Reply
  65. Anonymous

    I have a roommate who has his gf come over every night. Last night i was home and so was my roommate, but she was not and all of a sudden the locked door is unlocked and she walks in. he gave her a set of keys and did not ask or tell me.

    i mean really?

    i have already told him that they need to change it up and go to her place sometime. i had a gf for 3 and a half years and we never did that. we would always spread it out.

    So my solution is that if he really did give her a set of keys, when this lease is up i am out and i dont want to live with him any more.

    what else dont i know about? i keep my door locked (already) because i own a hand gun and its a liability issue. now i keep it locked because i feel as though i cant trust him.

    anyone think i am out of line on any of this?

    Reply
  66. Anonymous

    I cannot & will not EVER have a roommate again. I would rather live in a tiny, wet cardboard box outside than deal with one more petty roommate problem again. Anyone else that has had to GO TO COURT with a roommate should feel the same.

    Her crappy boyfriend who stayed every week without ever paying a dime brought bed bugs and a $600 pest control fee which he (and she!!) tried to pin on me. Well – guess who ended up paying half…thats right me. Never mind i'm putting myself through school. Considering the amount I had to pay for pest control and a new mattress – its actually cheaper for me to live in my own apt.

    So, for everyone on this post – GO GET YOUR OWN APARTMENT. You want your significant other over? Fine. Want to loudly bang them in the middle of the night? Go for it. You make up the rules. Trust me, its money well spent.

    Reply
  67. GatorJason0786

    All of these posts are like deja vu…its ridiculous…

    So here’s my story…

    I live in a 4/4 apartment but there are only 3 of us, as one of the roommates moved out but his room is still open (we keep random shit like kegs shells and stuff in there, but remember we now must split the utilities 3 ways not 4)

    My roommate’s girlfriend is the epitomy of annoying. She has an apartment (which is nicer than ours) right across the street and yet she hasn’t spent a single night there in at least 4 months. She lives at my place. Sleeps, showers, eats, studys, hangs out, etc…at my place. She has even moved over most if not all of her clothes/makeup/bathroom supplies. Sometimes we will have people over that are friends of both of ours and if they ask to use a bathroom she will say “Sure you can use my bathroom”…referring to my roommate’s bathroom. She has even had one of her own friends (girl) spend the night when my roommate was gone.

    Also, she is completely irresponsible, not to mention a moron. She has almost burned down our kitchen on 3 separate occasions via popcorn, frozen pizza, and pre-formed cookies (How do you fuck any of those up?!). She will turn the heater on and leave the windows open so that we are heating the outdoors…and sometimes she will turn it on when it is already over 70 in the room. She has recently started to keep most of her things in the extra bedroom/bathroom like it is her own.

    One day she turned on my roommate’s shower (on hot) and came out into the kitchen to start cooking. I asked her if there was water running and she said “It takes a long time to warm up” (if 10-15 seconds is a long time)…she left it running for 10 minutes after that and then she just turned it off without even showering!! Her and my roommate also do like 4 laundry loads a week, sometimes using large loads of hot water (wtf do you need to wash in hot water so often)

    The most annoying thing is that every 5-10 minutes she clears her throat in the most long drawn out way possible (this has been going on everyday for months).

    There is much more that she does/has done that is completely ridiculous (If you want to know ask…seriously I’d love to tell you it’s funny so just ask) but I don’t want to go on and on.

    What baffles me is the way that my roommate has changed since they started dating. Until just recently they spent every waking moment together, last semester even sometimes attending one another’s classes just so they could be together. Nothing she does seems to bother him, even when she filled our kitchen with so much smoke that I couldn’t see let alone breathe. I just don’t understand how he doesn’t want any time at all to himself. She no longer has any other friends because she always blows them off to stay with him.

    The weird thing is that before they started dating she always hung out with this one friend of hers. Also, her and my roommate toyed with the idea of dating each other but came to a conclusion that they found each other to be unattractive and annoying . But alas, her friend graduated and then she had nobody so she came running to cling to my roommate and I feel if her friend wouldn’t have left then they would not be dating right now.

    Like most of the people with this situation I do not want to risk my friendship with my roommate who I have lived with for 3 years. Nobody likes this girl and she has no longer has any friends (not the kind of person I would want to date, someone who doesn’t have their own life…) and I feel like if I could just get my roommate to realize all of her faults he would no longer like her…especially since he started out thinking she was annoying anyway, I don’t know what changed…

    Again, ask me and I will give some more examples of stuff she does/has done….I enjoy the venting…

    -Jason

    Reply
  68. Anonymous

    I can’t believe I actually read all of those posts, but I’m so glad I did. I picked up some useful insights, and I don’t have to worry about being too repetitive.

    Here is my issue.

    My roommate is dependent upon boyfriends. She will stay with them until the bitter end, usually until they break up with her. There’s three of us. One is totally passive-aggressive. I’m in the middle of assertive and passive-aggressive (it depends on the situation, usually more assertive), and the third boyfriend-dependent one is more assertive-aggressive.
    It’s not pretty.

    Her boyfriend is selfish. He leaves his stuff wherever he wants, wakes up at 3am to either cook or go outside on our porch to smoke weed. Possibly to your surprise, I don’t mind the weed part. I mind the door-slamming part. Mind you, I have to wake up at early hours, usually anywhere from 6-8am during the week. He has no such responsibilities, because he dropped out of college and has late-night delivery jobs because he is a felon and can’t get anything better. I understand his dropping out of college, it’s not for everybody, but for those of us who are PAYING RENT, UTILITIES, AND BILLS, and do actually have academic careers and responsibilities, this is very annoying.

    He tried to break up with her last week, and although I felt bad, I was, in a way, almost happy. However, she wouldn’t let him break up with her. She totally denied his attempt. He’s a total scumbag and my beautiful, (usually) smart (until it comes to men) roommate could do so much better. If only she was a little more confident and a little less dependent.

    He sleeps over just about every night. Whatever. That wouldn’t be a problem if I didn’t have to hear his every move and if he didn’t have to make his annoying presence known.

    He often uses my food. He uses my food/drinks in the fridge, and he even had the balls to go into my cabinets (we have our designated food space). One night while we all decided to throw a party, he drunkingly came up to me and asked if I didn’t like him or something, and assuming I was giving off such vibes, and I responded that only when he eats/drinks my stuff. He said he replaces whatever he uses, and I retorted that I know I get good stuff, but it’s mine, I pay for it, and I expect it to be there when I want it; but in order to be compromising, I said that as long as he wrote down what/when he used my stuff, it was ok that he replaced it as long as it was as soon as he could. That lasted about 2 days, until I noticed he had left a note saying that he had gone into my cabinets and rummaged through looking for my hot sauce.
    I said the stuff in the refrigerator was ok, I never said anything about my personal cabinets. So, because he wasn’t there (for once) and god knows when he’d be back, I left a nice, concise, and to the point note saying that although I had left this particular instance out before in our previous conversation, my personal cabinets are off-limits.

    He responded immaturely, by going into my cabinets while I was sleeping and moving some stuff around and being stupid.

    I pretended not to notice. He got it out of his system though, and he hasn’t done that again.

    But he still uses my stuff.
    And I know I can’t talk to my roommate about it, because seemingly she’s too scared to confront him about anything, fearing he might try to break up with her again. If only.

    Confronting her about her rude hip-attachment wouldn’t do me any good, and I’m not the type to keep nagging about him using my stuff as if he’s some 2nd grader. He’s 23. I know he wasn’t raised by assholes. She tells me his parents are really awesome. Maybe he’s a genetic defect? (Again, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt)

    But I also don’t want him to get away with it. It’s my stuff. My money. I tried being nice by just accepting it, because I care a lot about my best friend/roommate and don’t want to ruin our friendship over some chode, who she refuses to put in his place.

    I care more about her feelings than his, but by confronting him, from previous experiences, he will go and say something like “yeah, so your crazy roommate flipped out on me about a bottle of pomegranate juice last night,” and so I fear it won’t get very far.

    I’ve already seen he can be really immature.

    And he disrespects her as it is (don’t even get me started; let me just say he’s possessive, distrustful, and irresponsible), and I don’t want to contribute to any hard feelings between me and her, but this dude has got.to.go.

    I don’t care about hurting his feelings, I’d personally rather never see him again, but I care about her, and confronting her won’t get me anywhere because, as past instances have shown, she won’t say something to him, and even if she does, which has happened very rarely, he won’t listen (as has happened at least 3 times in the past, out of about 5 times I’ve talked to her about random stuff), and if I say something to him, what’s to say he’ll listen to me, if he won’t listen to her?

    Shouldn’t he be trying to impress his girlfriend’s best friends?

    I’ve been getting the annoying hunch that he feels as though he has a right to be here…at least that’s how he acts.

    I’m not even trying to confront him anymore.

    I want this asschode gone. Whether it be out of the fridge, out of my cabinets, or gone for good. Is there any indirect way I could achieve this without needing to ruin my food?

    Thanks guys!

    - Blanche

    Reply
  69. Anonymous

    Here’s one for you. My roomie owns the two BR unit. I could not have asked for a more ideal roommate situation until he brought a new live in girlfriend into the mix, someone who is not a US citizen, and who I suspect is an illegal immigrant. My privacy and my space has been cramped. I have tried my best to remain neutral, but things are really getting annoying. Plus there are a lot of unknown factors regarding where this relationship is going in addition to the immigration issues. On the other hand I don’t want to hurt anyones feelings either. Suggestions anyone

    Reply
  70. Anonymous

    ok here is an analogy for everyone involved. This is like pubic hair.

    We all grow it. At one point we were all smooth. Then one day, we had hair down there.

    IT is part of life. We cant change it.

    We seek love. and if we find it, we try to hold on to it.

    That being said, I dont want your pubic hair on my couch or in the sink we all share.

    HEre is the translation. We are all going to be in a relationship even if it is random hook ups.

    But if you have a GF or BF, it is not cool for that person to move in. A few days as a result of some issue is one thing. But all the time living there NO!

    Also, random hook ups are cool if that’s what your roommate wants. People coming in and out at all times of night, NOT COOL.

    Hanging with your buddies having drinks cool. Bitching ALL the time NOT COOL.

    So be chill. EVeryone. Dont move in too early. IF you are ready, get a place of YOUR own. Split places to spend the night.

    Roommates, if it is a matter this person has moved in. Yes, voice it out. Talk about it issues. Dont bitch all the time.

    GF or BF and guy or girl in the middle. Be respectful of those around you. You are entitled to have pubic hair. It is part of life. But it doesnt mean, i want to find it in my dishes.

    So everyone be chill, and proceed with common sense. The fact is, your bf or gf has roommates, you CANNOT live with them!!!! NO!!!

    GEt your own fuckn place!!!

    You can visit, and fuck, all GOOD.

    Roommates, your buddy or girl pal is going to relationships. It is normal part of growing up. So be chill. But that is NO excuse for the BF or GF eating your food, using your toiletries, etc etc etc. People are entitled to have guests. And if that is such a big issue I advice someone has to MOVE out. Because it is not just that. THere might be something else going on.

    Reply
  71. Anonymous

    I am in a similar situation, although not as bad as some of these posts. My roommate has his gf over about 4 days a week, they are messy and don’t clean up, the girls toiletries have now been installed, and I only feel that it is inevitable that worse things are to come. I won’t rant about specifics but I can’t even have her near me, it enrages me beyond my control and I am normally a chill dude.

    From what I have read the solutions people have been giving either point to MOVING OUT, or dealing with it… I agree with the comments about people doing ‘as the please’ and you can ‘only control yourself,’ but doesn’t it infuriate you guys/ gals in similar positions? Why do WE have to move out??? WHY do WE have to CHANGE? Its true that everyone’s situation will be different and tolerance levels will vary, but what gives these people the right? I am about to go the confrontation route and try and reasonably settle this, although i have strong doubts for resolution. Moving out may be the solution, but if its a war they want, (Or “unknowingly prompting” as some of you suggest) why not give it to them and proclaim it?

    ALSO: When ‘one’ individual in a shared apartment has a problem with the invading gf/bf, while the rest of the party is either a: to afraid/less confrontational or b: doesn’t live a room down from the offenders or is out a lot, This can cause problems for you frustrated people out there. I suggest that if they feel neutrally, then you should act as they aren’t part of the solution or problem and let them be casualties if you go to “war.” Perhaps they will rethink their positions. Good luck to you guys/ gals in these positions, and don’t give up your ground and rights: You have every right to have your wishes, clean homes, quiet days and sleep respected (within reason of course), and no ‘invader/non-renter’ can say anything to the contrary.

    Reply
  72. Anonymous

    Wow, I’m amazed my e-mail to this site is still getting responses nearly a year and a half later! It feels good that I wasn’t the only one in this situation.

    - Matt

    Reply
  73. Anonymous

    I am in the same boat with everybody else the only diffrence is that my roommates girl friend said she would pay our cable and keep the house clean so that it would be somewhat fair for her to live here and after a month went by and nothing she said happened I finally snapped and told my roommate what I thought about her and the shit she does that just pisses me off and told him that some things better change or we would start having a pretty big problem. After doing that he left pissed off and within the week she had cable turned on. and if anything changes I will just tell him that the bitch has got to go. And don’t forget if your name is on the house you make the rules and no one person should have more say than the next.

    Reply
  74. Kali

    I’m in a situation similar but different. I’m moving in with my boyfriend in 2 days. He OWNS his house and gave his roommate/cousin 6 weeks notice that he had to be out by November 1st. Well, the roommate has not found a place, has not packed, has not even considered moving out, even though my bf has told him over and over again that he needed to be out. The roommate has known since JUNE that I would be moving in in the near future and STILL has not done anything. I’m pregnant and my BF and I want to start a life together and get his house ready for the baby and make it OUR house instead of a dirty batchelor pad and we can’t. We can’t do anything. The roommate is taking up BOTH spare bedrooms, and what will be the nursury, he’s growing weed. Isn’t that lovely? I don’t even want to move in with him now. I have a cat that is moving with me and the roommate doesn’t like cats. My cat is terrified of new people and this puts such a stress on her too. I don’t know what to do. He won’t leave and the only ways I can think of to get him out are a} packing his crap and leaving it in the garage or b} having him served. I don’t know what to do.

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  75. anightmare2cry4

    OK here is the situation. I moved to Nc with my boyfriend 2+ yrs ago. We lived here fine on our own…but missed our friends back home. We brought one of his friends from Nj to visit for what was supposed to be 2 weeks""! He had a job in NJ that is family owned so he was able to take off since he worked religiously 7 days a week. He had 3 beers one night and drove to the store down the street and got pulled over and got a DWI! Well his court date was 2 weeks after-he didnt have his own vehicle so he called his work got an extended leave so he could just stay here for court so he wouldnt loose his NJ license. Well He ended up having another court date..staying longer..loosing his job/apartment back home and everything. He's like my boyfriends best friend since they were kids so ..he offered him a place to stay and since the cost of living here is cheap we figured it would be very easy for him to get a job and get back on his feet. Well it has now been a year, and so far he has had 1 job-that only lasted for 2 months. We drove him there and everything. Over the past year we have maybe got 200$ from him all together…we have paid for food,rent,gas when he did work…he smokes our ciggs drinks any beer or alchohol in the house he can find…he will take money or change if he finds it out in the open.He also got this girl prego that he barely knew who is 18 and she now also stays with us and eat and uses all of our stuff. We tried to help him and told him he could clean in replacement of rent…we have tried kicking him out but ended up feeling bad..I have got him jobs,job numbers…I have tried everything…whenever confronted he appologises and acts like hes cleaning up..which never happens. I too am pregnant now..and we are moving from our 2 bedrooms apartment into a house…because we are so crammed here it is ridiculous.I am honestly losing my mind…but this is his best friend and he keeps letting things go and I dont think his friend takes him seriously when we say if he doesnt get a job hes going to get kicked out. &&& his gf she is ridiculous-young and stupid. She is due on Jan 1…and I feel as though she is like expecting usto always have money and take care of her and this baby she is bringing into this mess..but we are going broke because we are supporting 2 other people…and Im prego so I eat for 2 lol. I have no idea what to do I feel helpless-and I feel I have no options..It gets worse too…she hasnt told her mom she is prego and thats why she is here every day, she uses ALL my stuff the only thing she has of her own is a tootbrush,and clothes. She uses my blow dryer ,hair products,shaving cream,toothpaste..right down to everything she can get her hands on..What do I do?

    Reply
  76. McCord

    This really hits home for me. We had a discussion with our roommate before we ever signed the lease and told him that his girlfriend was not always going to be around and he said he understood. But now we are here and it is horrible.

    I can hear them having sex everyday. She is loud, and says weird things and it grosses me out. She doesn’t even know that she is so loud. I don’t know how to tell my roommate that he needs to shut her up.

    She eats our food as if it were her own EVEN AFTER WE TOLD OUR ROOMMATE MULTIPLE TIMES THAT IT IS NOT OK. He goes against our wishes and sneaks OUR FOOD TO HER! I swear this girl has brainwashed him.

    He just sits in his room all day with her and never comes out, and when he does, he sneaks around. It is the weirdest thing. Like he will peak around a corner to see if someone is there and, thinking he wasn’t seen (but he was) he will scamper into the bathroom and close the door quietly before he turns the light on so people don’t know he is in there. One time some of the guys came back from a party and just as i opened the door to the apartment I saw him run into his room and I watched him close his door quietly and turn the knob so the latch wouldn’t make a sound….I watched him do this. It pisses me off.

    He has changed so much and she has entirely ruined our guy space and our time with him. Now I can’t wait from him to go abroad in the spring so she is out of here.

    Reply
  77. Anonymous

    My roommate claims that his girlfriend doesn’t live at our apartment because she is only over when he is there too, she happens to be over an average of 4.5 days a week. She has clothes, food, and toiletries as well. Also when confronted about the situation he told me thats the way it is so deal with it. He even had the nerve to tell me because I am not currently in a serious relationship that I do not know what I am talking about and that I am being inconsiderate My roommate even made a key for her without telling me or my other roommate first. I just found out that she helps him pay his rent, and when asked to pay more rent his exact words were. ” Since she is only over when he is that she shouldn’t have to pay money towards our bills because she mostly stays in his room so having her over shouldn’t benefit us as well” and as for the utilities he feels that if she uses our cable tv power internet or water or kitchen it doesn’t count as her using them but as if he was using them. My other roommate is a female who avoids conflict all together and usually doesn’t come home because it bothers her so much she even cries about it some nights. Do I have rights, because he claims that because he was dating her before he moved in that we should have expected this so its our fault. His counter claim is that he wants my cat to go even though He knew before he moved in that it would be present. So I am the asshole according to him

    Reply
  78. Anonymous

    Aren't these situations soooo frustrating?! I'd love to take the time to barf up all the annoying idiosyncrasies that overwhlem me about my roommate situation but the bottom line is I'm moving the efff out! I have tried for the third time to do the roommate thing. I now know I value my OWN space & since I can make it work, I'm bypassing someone to come home to, for some PEACE…no more missing items, unwanted guests, disruptions (inappropraitely timed loud noises/TV/partying), dog hair/barf/barking/shit/smells…I'll miss my garden :( I can control only my decisions…leaving in all behind me and moving on…good luck to everyone!

    Reply
  79. Anonymous

    Punch him in the throat…seriously, though maybe if your comfortable with it talk to the girl, they are sometimes more reasonable…she may understand and actively come over less…I had a similar thing happen when my roommate was approached his g/f was over even more…..

    Reply
  80. Anonymous

    Hi,
    I was just looking through some of these types of sites on the internet and this one is EXACTLY like my case. My roommate and I have lived together for about 6 months and he has started dating someone. She’s a really nice girl, but she stays here 24/7. I enjoy my sleep, i get up around 8:30 on weekdays, unless, that is I’m not woken up by a blaring TV in the next room. It would be somewhat Ok, but he’s already left for work. She will lounge around MY small apartment until 1 or 2 in the afternoon. Eat my food, shower, dirty my linens, and the kicker, her ‘bathroom materials’ just sit on the bathroom counter. I feel quite invaded and have absolutely no privacy. I approached my roommate, he took great offense to it and now she’s here more. Anyone have any ideas on what i can do?

    Reply
  81. Evinrude

    I wish people would read the entire board before they left comments…it’s all here people, the key to a good roommate is as simple as not having one. At the end of the day you have to compensate your lifestyle for whatever the other person chooses to do. some people make the rules and others just take it and write on blogs because they don’t know what else to do…and here I am doing the same.

    I’m not here to say I have all the answers, in fact the opposite, you already know what has to be done. You KNOW you can’t live with this person and after the first month you were aware of their true priorities and that they actually only care about themselves, otherwise they would respect your wishes and have the dirty toothless man leave.

    My solution? Well in a few years, after my student loans are paid up I am going to move to the adirondacks and live with the perfect roommate. Nature. This is the answer people y’all are just to skeet skeet to admit that to make things better you have to actually hurt feelings and let people know how you feel, otherwise they will trample over you forever.

    evinrde – out

    Reply
  82. Sisko

    Anon,

    Your situation is beyond the scope of us amateur advisors. You’ll need to find some professionals to sort this out. Is there a renter’s hotline where you live? Can you call your local social services office? Or go to your local legal aid office with your lease and see if they could help? Or bite the bullet and go to your landlord. He might kick you both out, but even that may be better than your current situation. Good luck!

    Reply
  83. Anonymous

    You know im in this same situation now except i find it a little more extreme. Me and a friend of mine decided to get a place together found this amazing house. Around this time she started hanging out with this homeless, toothless, dirty guy. Who after 3 days of moving into our place he had already been staying here for 4. So i have this homeless guy who never showers dosent have a job is missing teeth useing my things and she is taking things out of my permission. So hes been sleeping here a month. My friends wont come over becuase of the smell. Ive tried to talk to her about it on numerous occasions and she gets really defensive and is apparently in love with this homeless guy. Im about to have a nervous break down, My friends refuse to come over now if hes here and thats all the time, some of my shit is going missing and im trying to find any excuse to stay at someone elses place to get away from it. But we signed a year lease. I dont know if i should go to the land lord about this. But i really cant afford to move out of here which is the crappy part. Any advice? When i talk to her all se says is “i shouldnt have to regulate how much my boyfriend stays over here” Well…you know what hes effin homeless so its not like he has his own place to go to ARG!! *pulls out hair*

    Reply
  84. Anonymous

    I agree w/ mostly everyone on this blog, and am the roomate. My questions are 1) when we signed the lease with this roomate he was single so we didn’t set down rules for having just one person over. 2)why can’t they go to her apartment?! Her being over her every other day and bossing me around in my house is pissing me off. I don’t want to ruin the relationship my fiance, the other roomate, and I have with him but she’s making it unbearable and he doesn’t listen to confrontation. He’s the best man in our wedding and this is making us seriously regret that decision. ARgh!

    Reply
  85. Anonymous

    Maybe she’ll get pregnant, that would shock her current lifestyle, and from the sounds of it she could probably use a little divine intervention…Evinrude is right couple like that just bang all day with no consequences really bothers me too, and they’re destroying all of other interpersonal relationships including their own with the BF/GF!!!

    Reply
  86. Anonymous

    I am living in a similar situation. My roommate has his gf over every single night, and they talk and have sex and make noise for hours on end. It becomes difficult to sleep, concentrate, or do anything. I cannot hang out with my roommate at all, because I instantly become the 3rd wheel. I find solace in my friend’s dorm, but I wish I could just live in peace sometimes. I am so sick of coming into my dorm, only to find that my room is locked, so I have to sit in the kitchen for hours. And when the room is not locked, my roommate and his gf are sitting on his bed yapping about god knows what, and I just cannot stay in the room.

    She also eats all of our food. More specifically all of MY food. My oatmeal, bread, milk, pudding, waffles, cereal, raman, EVERYTHING. It is really beginning to piss me off. And all she does is bitch constantly about her roommates, so obviously she never wants to stay in her room.

    In fact, right now as I am typing this, I can hear my roommate and his gf having sex in our common room/kitchen area. No wonder I cannot sleep at 5am, and I am here typing this rant…

    Reply
  87. Rachel

    i’m in a similar situation- except i am the roomate who has her bf there every night. i have 2 roomates- who feel he has “moved” in and is a 4th “roomate.” they have said if he contributes financially then they are fine with it.

    he is there, not because he’s trying to skip out on not paying rent, but because he wants to be there WITH ME. he sleeps in MY room, watches tv on MY tv, is there when I”M there but leaves when i leave, and does not have a key. i don’t do much during the work week…i come home have dinner and watch tv. he’s over to spend time with me.

    i can understand what they say about him being there all the time; but he is not messy, his stuff is in my room, and doesn’t eat or use any of their stuff. he even does the dishes more often than them!!

    the resolution is him helping financially- we split the utilities 4 ways. fine, that’s maybe $40-60 each (we only pay cable and electric).

    he’s not on the lease. he’s essentially the “man on the couch.” his only belongings are a few clothes items (in my room) and soap/shampoo in the bathroom. the other two have their own rooms (2 of us share a bathroom and the other has her own), and he’s sleeping in my room for which i pay rent for and my portion of utilities every month.

    the other roomate has a bf also, but doesn’t share her bathroom. he doesn’t stay over during the week, but is there during the weekend. he showers there, has done laundry there, and in the past used to stay over more often (was never an issue with me). but to her, he’s only “visiting” not “living” there. they choose to not stay together during the work week together. i choose to spend this amount of time i do with my bf. i think if her bf there on the weekends, then guess what he should be contributing as well.

    i don’t think my bf should be paying even half (which would be at least $300+) of what i pay for rent!

    i suggested to the roomates as a resolution:
    splitting the utilities 4 ways
    $100 contribution towards “rent.” (a 1/3 of what i pay-if they want to split it between the two of them fine, i don’t care about the extra $33).

    i don’t think he should be added to the lease because he doesn’t have his own room. he still would not have a key, which requires him to go in or out with ME. but since he will be contributing financially, then he has the right to be there when i’m not. when i mentioned this fact, they still had an issue. the only belongings he would have are his clothes, that go in my room, and bathroom stuff.

    my question is- how much should he contribute towards “rent.”

    this makes me feel as if he has to pay to spend time with me!!

    Reply
  88. Anonymous

    I feel with everyone here. I know what it is like to live seperately from your bf/gf but I also know what is like to have an unwelcome guest. I live with my boyfriend and to save money we got another roomate, who happens to be my cousin. From the beginning our roomate has had his girlfriend in our apartment around the clock!! At first we thought in was going to be a short relationship and we wouldn’t have to be bothered for very long, but we are now into the second semester of our lease and she has been at our apartment since we came back form winter break. Literally she has been there everyday but maybe three r four days!!! She leaves the doors unlocked so she can come and go when she pleases or she will take our roomates key and just walk in whenever. She is very messy, she eats our food, showers, and wipes her makeup on the walls of our bathroom (I took the papertowels out of the bathroom because I was tired of her using them up)! She has even gone has far to have her friends come over to hang out even when our roomate isn’t home!! We have tried to talk to our roomate a few times but he is a little clueless. What should we do I think I am going to lose my mind.

    Reply
  89. Evinrude

    Anonymous…,

    Hi. Well, I am struggling to think of the correct way to help you. Ok. Here is what I think you should do, though I am a guy and we have inherently different ways of handling problems, (i.e. you just go shopping and I go eat pounds of steak and punch things), but seriously I have no idea your personality so without that information I can’t really give you a great answer.
    That being said I will advise you according to what were in your situation (which I still am in.)
    First. The fact that you do not create problems by writing your roommate silly notes and telling her off but instead seek outside help is very admirable and the fact that you care about this person’s feelings is obvious.
    Second. 1.)as far as the hair dryer in the morning (4AM) that would be terribly annoying…well there is a program you can download for free called “Atmosphere Lite” (just google search for it) and it generates all the sounds of nature. If you are able to sleep with background (white) noise I would suggest you teach your body to be able to sleep with the sounds playing, this will make it harder to hear the blow drier. When I was in the dorms my roommate and I were in a quad, yeah four guys in about 20sqft of space is the definition of annoying. All night my roommate would talk to his girl friend and no matter what we said he would just talk a little quieter and thing we couldn’t hear his girlish (no offense) giggle from under the covers. Eventually we got tired of screaming “ROONN!!” Now what I and my other roommate did was get a standing fan, turn it on med, and put a bathroom towel over it (no joke) and it created the most wonderful white noise just quiet enough for me to be able to sleep but loud enough to keep giggles out of earshot. 2.) I know how you feel with the home being a place a calm and rest after a long days work, believe me it’s tax season and I haven’t gotten to bed later than 10:30PM (except for saturday nights) since the first of the year, and never fail the few moments I have to rest my roomate we will call “Ruprect” and his girlfriend will be around, always always always…well my best advice to you is to find a new “home” or place of peace. I am sorry to say but until they break-up (something i actively pray for(JK)) she will be in our house always. So i find myself wandering and I make where ever I am my home or place of peace, or I make my drums or guitar my home or place of peace, or I will go to my girlfriends and make that my place of peace…I guess what I am saying is until you own (or rent) your own place you really can not count on any solace at any given point of time so you have to make it for yourself. 3.) This is very similar to number 2, honestly I don’t mean to be vulgar but I don’t think that anyone screams louder than Ruprect’s GF, seriously at one time he though it was funny when the whole house could hear her scream and to be honest it makes me so sad/upset when relationships become sex-heavy because that means they have completely lost themselves in the physicality. It becomes how they communicate, it becomes another language that teaches any couple to be selfish and that this relationship is not about love but pleasure. I know. I know. You think I’m wrong, you think I am some conservative stone age prude loser but you know what I don’t really care…mostly because I see it everyday in them and I see it on TV (which I hate BTW) and I even see it in my own relationship and it drives me to the wall. Listen I know this is not the issue brought up but I sometimes ramble a bit…the point is if you have already let this situation happen more than once that you may be too late (unless you really want to) say something because your behavior of not saying something the first time was a signal to your roommate that that did not bother you. The sex type questions always get me in the wrong direct, I always get off topic and come to the same bottom line that the definition of love and infatuation are two entirely separate worlds. If it really bothers your you have every right you approach your roommate and ask her very kindly if she would try to keep that activity to when you are not home. Plain and simple. (Or you could grab two pots and run around the house baning them together screaming “OKLAHOMA!! OKLAHOMA!! OKLAHOMA!!”……..well at least I plan on doing that one of these times.)
    Ahh yes, the old question number 4.) Well i am a complete pessimist when it comes to this situation, i have recently had as awakening with my former group of friends and was so tired of the politics that were forced upon me I just up and stopped talking to two of them for the most part. The point was not that I was right but that I stood up for something. I’ve had the conversation with people who I missed because they were hanging out with there sig-fig (significant other) so much. To be honest I don’t think they will ever understand. The bottom line is that they are happy, and you telling them you think they spend too much time together bothers you and that is often translated into you have a problem with the relationship in general which is never the case and well lets just say that when it is you against them they will always agree with what they are currently doing because who really intentionally does things they themselves don’t agree with? In their mind everything is good and then here comes “big bad anonymous” telling the couple they spend too much time together and you miss your friend. I guess what complicates the situation is that your roommate is gay and her GF may see you actively seeking her time as an “agressive” move. Well it’s funny I am also in that exact same situation with a female friend of mine who I used to be very best friends with. We used to hang out almost everyday and talk about anything anytime anywhere. Also i kinda liked her but just the way things were, I didn’t want sex or to get intimate at all… I just wanted to hang out and learn and teach each other from our own past experiences. Well the point is she now has a BF and well she spends all of her time when she is not doing something (she’s already a very busy person) with him and as “the best friend” i get the curb and I know why but i wish it didnt have to work that way.

    The point is people will always do what they want, believe what they want, and act accordingly. The only thing you have control over is yourself. You have to spin every situation you perceive as negative (they see as positive) and adjust your behavior to make it more tolerable for yourself. I don’t believe in the sit down pow-wow style of handling problems in these one on one types of situations because at the end of the day she is not cuddling with you she is with her. Please let me know if any of this helps and please hand in there you only have a few more months on the lease and you can make a better decision. (FIND SINGLE ROOMMATES!!!) Remember you are only in control of yourself and the moment you start throwing your weight around the worse the situation will become. And last but most importantly…this whole process, everything, is making you grow. You are becoming more and more conscientious everyday, every dish of hers that you wash you grow a little and likewise anytime you let those 4 day old pots and pans bother you you lose a little ground. Take control of yourself and you will be happy. Ask you friend to do things with you exclusively, maybe if you didn’t allow it to become plans and did something spontaneous (if possible her GF permitting) that may work… anyway I feel for you and i hope your sanity can make it through the rest of the winter.

    Reply
  90. Anonymous

    hi.. i dont know if anyone is still paying attention to this post.. but im in a similiar problem.. except my roommate happens to be a lesbian.

    My roommate and i are like sisters… we were roommates in college and never had any major problems, and now we share a two bedroom, one bathroom house together. My problem with her girlfriend isnt that i dont like her, but a couple other things. 1) i dont like being woken up at 4am when she decides to leave and go to work.. using her hairdryer in a house where you can hear anything 2) i dont like that she is over every single night because my house is where i relax when im done working my two jobs, and it is where i want to have privacy and not be around random people 3) i am very tired of trying to watch tv in the living room and relax, or even just sleep in my own room when i can hear them “being intimate” two rooms away for hours 4) and this is probably the biggest one.. i miss my friend. We used to spend one on one time together, but now even if we do go out, she brings her girlfriend along. My roommate holes herself up in her bedroom with her girlfriend and only surfaces for air or to make dinner, and then she doesnt clean up after herself. If you leave dishes in the sink for a night, you might be busy.. ok. if you leave dishes in the sink for 4 days while your laying in bed with your hunny.. thats not cool. No sweeping, mopping, cleaning the bathroom, shoveling the drive… these are all chores we used to each take care of routinely before she became so involved.
    Its weird because i dont want to sound like a jealous girlfriend, because im straight and there is no attraction, but when i signed up for a roommate i did just that. I didnt sign up to be a maid, and i only wanted to share my living space with one person. I can understand having someone over a few nights a week, or maybe even every other night if its really that serious of a relationship, but i dont feel like it is very fair for me to have someone i dont even know living in a house i pay rent for, and waking me up at odd hours and being an indirect cause of my roommates unproductiveness. Im looking for positive feedback here, so if you can help, thank you!

    Reply
  91. Anonymous

    Evinrude,

    I cannot agree more with what you say. I am one of the bothered and after speaking to my roommate several times, I’ve realized that no matter what her boyfriend does/says, his presence will be a bother.

    I am also in a long-term relationship, but I see my boyfriend a few nights/week, spread about between our two places. We each have nights where we hang out with our friends seperately because we are not dependent on each other. I think that’s the problem here with these couples who are together every night. When I ask if you’d like to hang out, and your first response is to see what his plans are, then you have a problem.

    As much as I liked my roommate in the beginning, this experience has soured both our friendship and her friendship with our mutual friends. I’m just counting down the months to the end of our lease.

    Reply
  92. Evinrude

    Robin,

    The bottom line is that when a roommate has their girlfriend over everyday (like in my personal situation) it is flat out annoying, period. It has nothing to do with rent, it has everything to do with the statement, “this is where I live and you do not live here.”

    The fact that you feel as though your love is your reason for being at your boyfriends apartment all the time is laughable. You are at his house all the time because you would feel lonely otherwise. You have grown so accustomed to having someone there that you want to spend all of your down time together, yes, we have all been in a relationship before, but no i don’t like to jump to conclusions about love making you attached at the hip.

    The definition of LOVE: “When an extraordinary act is done without the expectation of return.”

    The definition of INFATUATION: “When a person can not be without an object”

    Where this plays into the home life scenario is that fact that you adore all of your boyfriends mannerisms, and he yours. Now, all the the roommates are fully aware of your mannerisms as well except we hate them. There is no amount of money or quality of discussions that will make anyone think otherwise. Flat out your existence is annoying to us because we have to deal with the repetitiveness of our engagements without the same connection that you have with your boyfriend.

    For example: “If you were dating me and you always say “That’s so radd man” whenever you think something is cool, i would think that you were adorable. BUT, every time you say “That’s so radd man” and the roommates hear it for the 1,000,000th time it makes them want to stab their eyeballs with dull objects and turn their feet inside out!”

    Do you see??? There is nothing anyone can do, male v. female, female v. male, it is all the same. The roommate will never, ever, ever , ever approve of their buddy’s girlfriend being over every freaking day. Period.

    You said that your former friend who set you up with your current boyfriend treats you differently? Well it is because he sees you everyday and not because you want to or because he wants to but because it is built into his life.

    If you were to not see this individual for say a few months and then you saw him randomly one day I am sure he would be happy to see you; similar to when you were friends way back when. But since he sees you all the time, not because you want to have fun with him but because you want to cuddle with you lovie poo he will resent you no matter what curse or magical spell you summon.

    And the next problem: “You sitting at home watching TV with your cat when you are not with your boyfriend.” This happens because you spend so much time with this individual you have removed yourself from societal reality. It is not normal in society to only have one person in your life that you spend a significant amount of time with. When your roommate wants to have “guy time” (which no guy ever says by the way) why don’t you call a friend to hang out? Oh, it is because you do not pursue other friendships besides the one you are already in. This is deadly to not only your relationship situation 5 years from now but your interpersonal friendship situation in the future as well. You are deleting your ability to make new friends, forge new relationships, and discover things about people (not your boyfriend) that you never knew before. It is your debt to society to grow and develop as a human being. Human beings are not individual in nature, they live in groups, and please note that a group consists of more that two people.

    This is a situation that some special people have to live with. We are changed by this situation, it shapes how we think.

    As for the people in the relationship doing all the schmoozing in front of us….well they are changing themselves in a completely different direction.

    So what can we do?

    Well you can graduate, get a job, and find a place of your own. This is the only true fix. You can have talks, you can get to a point at which everyone says that “it’s fine” but at the end of the day you will still be annoying.

    Sorry I sound really mean but this is one of my more passionate theories/beliefs.

    Reply
  93. Sisko

    Robin,
    What’s missing here is any reason why your boyfriend cannot stay at your place every now and then. Do your roommates object?

    Reply
  94. Robin Marie

    I am the girlfriend in this situation and I honestly don’t know what to do. It has already been expressed that my boyfriend’s two roommates (one much more so than the other) want to sometimes have guys only nights. Cool and all, except they all have different schedules so what night would be their night isn’t clear, nor how often this should be a “rule” (I respect the comment above this should have already been discussed before signing the lease when the roommates knew we spent almost all our down time we could together).

    He really is the love of my life and my best friend. So often the question comes up:

    “Why don’t they just move in with each other?”

    Well, he comes from a very traditional family and that sort of arrangement is not appropriate for unmarried couples. And as for getting married… we do not feel we need to rush ourselves in to that just to officially live with one another (as it seems his sister has done… even though her and her husband are perfect for one another).

    I even suggested that we split the utilities 4 ways since I am there and that is what I am using (as someone had suggested above). I even help contribute to the groceries and such. Everyone agreed that this would be fine. The thing is, every time I am there, the roommate who is bothered with me around is quite rude to me and this agreed upon arrangement doesn’t seem to be “okay” anymore.

    This specific roommate actually used to be one of my really really good friends in college and he is the one that set me up with his best friend, my boyfriend, now his roommate. Now all of the sudden I feel he treats me as just his roommates girlfriend that is around way to much, rather then his friend too.

    I do feel awfully bad that I know he feels I am invading his territory and am not sharing the rent (because truly it isn’t my place, nor should I be expected too considering I do not have my own room – heck, I should honestly pay half of my boy’s rent since I am technically sharing his room).

    But my boyfriend and I just have a healthy relationship where we are okay to so each other every night after work and so on. We enjoy being around each other just that much.

    It sucks that this is a problem, honestly. And is there a way to solve it? I don’t know. I, as the over-welcomed girlfriend, feel horrible I have caused this negative attribute to the roommates’ relationship and it just makes me not want to be around the “24/7″ time to spend with my love. And that pisses him off that the nights his roommate gets his “guy time” is only because I feel uncomfortable, bad, upset, etc. about the situation and stay at my place, bored and watching tv with my cat; wishing I could be with him. Which sucks for him, because he is all pissy I refuse to come over (when he wants to be around me) and his guy time turns into a bad situation because he’s mad that I refuse to come over because his roommate makes me completely feel a bother… which I admit, I could very well be.

    So, I guess to Matthew’s situation that “She had her own place, but never stayed there because she was either A) in love that much or B) considered our place her “get away” from her own annoying roommates/living conditions. It was obviously B.”…. Well, it isn’t exactly obviously B… my whole scenario is obviously A. I love my where I live, but I love my boyfriend more.

    Sorry this got so long, and may not help answer at all, however, it’s a viewpoint from a different person in the situation questioned upon.

    Reply
  95. Anonymous

    Ok, So I am in this situation now. I got a new roommate, and he has his GF over 24/7. We do have a large 3 BR/ 2 Bath apartment, but it still annoys me that she is always there (and our other roommate too). We keep on talking about how best to approach this, but we are really unsure- especially since we can’t seem to get time alone with him. If you were successful talking to a roommate about this, please tell me how you did it; or if you were on the other end, please tell mne how you would like to be approached.

    Reply
  96. Amanda

    Ken,

    Another option is that each person pays a month’s worth. For example, you pay June, a roomie pays July and then the other roomie pays August, etc. Say August is for the “basically married guy,” it can be his job to pick it up in full or split it with the love of his life.

    Reply
  97. Sisko

    Ken,
    How about suggesting that you guys split the utility bills six ways and your “couple” roommates pick up a double share. It seems only fair. Good luck!

    And thanks for the nice word about our site. Hey, why don’t you tell your college’s housing office to give us a link. Many schools have already done it.

    Reply
  98. Ken

    I guess I’m in the same situation, plus a bit more. I’m in my fourth year of college and now live 3 other guys, one is basically married (don’t know why they don’t get their own place), another has his gf come over pretty much every night.

    Now as most of us know college housing isn’t the most luxurious nor spacious as noted above. Now I guess my $.02 is that we have instead of 4 people which signed the lease, upwards of 6 people in the place and yet I still have to pay full for all the utilities (which we split equally) and rent. On the side of that there is less room for food, storage and random other things they decide “Let’s just leave it at his place.”

    If I had the money to live alone you know that would be my easy way out ….

    Great site btw.

    Reply
  99. Liza

    I would definitely take the direct approach first. I’ve been on the other end where I was the botherer rather than the bothered, and sometimes, people just don’t know that they’re a pain in the butt! They just have no idea! If this doesn’t work then it’s time to take the legal route. To Sisko, I think your blog is really great – so many people like me need so much help, I just got my first apartment last January and it’s been great but I can feel the occasional pain. There’s this show that I’ve noticed about houses and whatnot, about buying and selling them and the drama that comes with getting the best deal. I’d recommend it to you and your readers. It’s called Bought and Sold at HGTV. Check out http://www.hgtv.com/hgtv/shows_hbas for more info. I know this because I work with them. Thanks and good luck!

    Reply
  100. Sisko

    Matt,
    This is one of the issues that, ideally, are hashed out and some ground rules are agreed before the lease is signed. (Check out our roommate agreement checklist.) If the topic was never raised before you moved in, you should have let your roommate know how you felt as soon as the situation made you uncomfortable. He was probably so in love he was just oblivious to you.

    Reply
  101. Amanda

    Hi Matthew. First off, I am in no way a relationship expert, but I will whip out my Judge Judy robe and give you my take on this situation.

    In a situation like you wrote about, I think you should confront your roommate first. People all have very different mannerisms and some people have no idea when enough is truly enough. He/She may not even realize that it is an inconvenience.

    He/She may be under the assumption that the more the merrier, and talking about it (honestly) may be the trick for him/her to realize that it really is bothering you.

    Think that helps?

    Reply