How to tell your roommate his girlfriend is a problem
Calling all you relationship experts! Our friend Matthew has raised a common problem and asks you to put on your Judge Judy robes again. Here’s Matt’s email. (And thanks for the nice words about our site.)
“Hey, first off, I just want to say I love this site and it helped a great deal during my search for an apartment (my roommate and I found a nice 2-bedroom in Astoria, Queens, New York). It really made it easier and not scary.
Anyway, I was thinking a good topic for an entry should be about the girlfriend/boyfriend of a roommate overstaying their welcome. My current roommate is single, but I’ve experienced this problem with another roommate and I think it’s a decent subject to talk about. For example, in college one of my roommate’s girlfriends basically lived in our small place, making it that much more cramped. She had her own place, but never stayed there because she was either A) in love that much or B) considered our place her “get away” from her own annoying roommates/living conditions. It was obviously B.
It was tough to approach my roommate about this because, after all, it was his lady love. I never said anything (I should have) and it sucked. She got up at 7:00am every morning and watched TV loud, she dyed her hair in my bathroom causing my eye to swell up from an allergic reaction and basically was a girl in a guy’s apartment, making privacy difficult. She really treated it like a vacation home,where rules didn’t apply.
I’ve talked to people and some have had the same problem with a girlfriend/boyfriend “moving” in. I use quotations because they keep all of their clothes/items/computer at their actual place – they just sleep, eat, watch TV, and hang out 24/7 at their significant others’. What is the best way an annoyed roommate can approach that without offending?”
I’ve Been Living with this exact problem for three months now. My roommate has decided to move in his annoying girl friend whom i do not like in the least. they have been staying in the room every night together and are in the room a majority of the day as well even though his girl friend has a town house and no roommate. they like to do such activities as dry hump with me in the room. i have brought the issue to his attention several times however i get bs excuses such as her bed is too hard or she doesnt have a tv. some of these people just do not get the message until somebody snaps. the RA is the next to hear about it because i am at the end of my rope.
im currently living with my best friend from high school. we had went to separate colleges so only saw each other every other month so one month he comes back and says he is taking over his parent apartment and i should move in, im like hell yeah roomin with my best-friend would be awesome. but as satan jumped in he brought a gf into the mix. he decides to move his gf of 3 months in too. who is loud, inconsiderate and disrespectful to no end. weve been here for five months now and ive endured god knows how many moments on annoyance where she didnt wash her dishes, speaks on the phone on loud speaker daily, hogged the internet to watch cartoons, rants and raves about guy smells in a house full of guys. it all came to a halt today when i asked her to remove her laundry from the washer and she acted like child and responded that sounds like a you problem. we had had this issue before so i was even more pissed at her response. i began explaining to her how that was unfare to which she screamed and picked up a frying pan and swung at me. i put her in a head lock till i removed the frying pan from her, then she called my best friend and he took her side saying its normal for people to just leave there luandry around and that i should just use the tub when she was blocking the washer i thought to gut them both but i calmed down and am now looking for a new place and new friends.
I am mostly directing my comment to the Long winded and Ever defending person calling himself ANNOYED.People just don’t understand that you could be the nicest person in the world. The other person did not sign up to essentially live with you. You have got to go . You finding somewhere to hang till your girlfriend is home is not good enough – find somewhere else to crash -period. It’s not fair to have another person in the space -no time at all , staying over is a no no. Take you and your cooking some place out of the space . She did not sign up to live with you.Point Blank
Yes! This is exactly what I’m going through–my roommate is unwilling to change his ways, and I’m getting so fed up that I’m basically paying for a freeloader. The other thing is that they are so in love and attached that it’s sickening.
I really want to ask both of them to get the f&&k out at this point and I’ll find another friend to live with, because I’m not moving out just because he fell in love too goddamn fast.
He’s really messing up my experience in what would have been an awesome apartment…
First off let me just say-FOR THE LIFE OF ME….I do not understand how 2 people literally can be with each other LITERALLY 24 hours a day. what happened to me time?
I lived in a place with 4 rooms and 4 girls. I had to go through the “boyfriend from hell” not once, not twice, but three fucking times.
1 roommate number one had a boyfriend who refused to shower and played and BROKE our xbox360, rock band equipment,and our wii. And was always trying to hit on us when she wasn’t there.
-What killed me about this, was they had a room yet they still saw fit to suck face, smoke, and have sex in our common room.
we kicked her out only to get another love sick jackass of girl
2 roommate number two was needy and sickly, if she wasn’t actually sick she would certainly be faking it for the attention. which made her 9000lbs boyfriend do everything for her, even bathe her, how do I know? because they never closed their door and they happily had sex out in the open and walked around naked.
we kicked her out to get our current queen of shitty bf
3 roommate number three literally has a man that never leaves her side. she takes online classes and has her grocceies delievered to her so she stays in 6 out of 7 days of the week, thus he says 6/7
its to the point now where he calls us his family, and our place HIS home @____@ and we constantly keep telling her to have him leave(he lives in our complex a floor above!) and she keeps insisting his not being here for 1 day out of the week breaks her heart too damn much.
So do what I do when your roomie’s bf/gf is overstaying their welcome. be blunt and let them know that they will have to pay some rent if they’re gonna be there that much and if you need to, break them up
I once lived with a friend whose gf stayed for days on end in the apartment and was in effect an non-paying tenant, which was a nightmare and ended up in a serious row and lost frienship. So I am acutely aware of the problems which a free-loading bf or gf can cause of they over stay their welcome.
But I also have a view from the opposite side of the issue.
My girlfriend lives in a duplex apartment with another girl who is also the landlady. I live in another town 4 hours drive away, and usually visit once a week for one or two nights, sometimes on the weekend and sometimes during the week.
I am self-employed while my gf works in an office, so if I stay over during the week or on Saturday’s when she is working I usually bring my laptop so I can get some work done myself while she is out during the day. When she comes home, we cook dinner, get a dvd, go out or whatever, often with the landlady.
Recently, the landlady told my gf that I have to vacate the house if my gf isn’t there, as she said she “doesn’t feel comfortable” with me being there on my own. Now, prior to this I have only ever met this girl when with my gf. We have had numerous conversations and evening together and I thought we all got on fine, as did my gf, and my gf and her are good friends. She has never been in a position with me, that I can think of, to have made her feel ill at ease. We have never had any disagreements, never any conflict over food or washing up etc. I bring my own food, or buy groceries for the house, every time I stay. I never eat food that doesn’t belong to me or my gf. I use my gf’s en-suite bathroom. I cook for both of them regularly – at the landlady’s request, I add – as I’m a decent chef and the landlady has said that likes my style of cooking. I’m tidy and live out of a small backpack when I stay.
I perfectly understand that this is her house, that she has every right to set whatever rules she wishes, and that I am a guest. But her demand means that I either wander around the town for the 9 hours that my gf is at work (which means that I get none of my own work done), or I don’t visit for more than a single evening / night.
After her initially telling my gf that I could stay whenever I want, I take this as a bit of an insult – not just the realisation that she doesn’t trust me, but we get on well enough that I would have expected her to have the courtesy to say something to my face. I feel it also shows a lack of trust in my gf’s judgement. My gf is also confused. And now it means I unfortunately don’t get to see my gf as much, unless I decide to take days off work to wander about for 9 hours till my gf comes home, or spend 8 hours on the road to go back and forth between my place and hers, which is just not realistic.
I think the solution is always communication – address these issues up front before they become problems. I guess for my part it is partly my own fault for not raising the issue myself with my gf’s landlady earlier – explaining that I would like to stay dring the day just one or two days a week and why, and seeing if she was cool with it, and if not then whether there could be a compromise. Likewise, if you find that your flatmate’s partner is constantly living in your face, you need to speak up; discuss the issue(s) in a rational and adult manner – explain what the problem is, look for middle ground if there is any, and if not then by all means put your foot down and say “enough is enough”. You shouldn’t lose a friend if you ask them to work with you on solving the problem, but if you do then maybe they’re not the friend you thought they were.
I see that this is a very common problem as I am myself stuck in this situation.
My roommate is my best friend (and consequently the landlord as well) of the house I’m currently living in. He’s recently been very serious with this girl over the past 3 months. She’s over here nearly everyday and I’ve come home to basically seeing her always snuggled up on the couch in the living room with my best friend.
I want to be happy for him, I really do..but there’s a part of me that doesn’t. Is that wrong? I don’t think there’s a simple answer to that question. However, back to my story.
One of the worst parts about this situation is that my roommate understands how I feel and can relate. However, he told me that he can’t help but to feel strongly towards this girl and yet refuses to accept that our friendship has changed. He still feels like me and him should be best friends despite the fact he spends all his free time with her.
Before she entered his life me and him used to watch sports and shows in the living room all the time. Now, I’m lucky if I can get in 2 or 3 words. I’ve tried just letting things go but I hear them constantly “going at it” upstairs in his room at all times of the night. I started to feel jealous, for natural reasons.
So combined with her taking up space in a house that I rent in, I have to deal with all these emotions on top of essentially losing a very good friend.
I’ve known him for over 10 years, he’s a great person and I don’t want to see this friendship slip away. However, how can you talk with to your roommate about his girlfriend problem if he’s always with her?
Just thought I’d like to share. Had to say something just to get it out.
My story is very much the same. I am room mates with my brother’s best friend from high school. Well, we used to have another room mate(who was a girl) that actually paid rent and helped out sometimes with the house. After she graduated and moved out, we get another room mate, another kid that graduated with my brother(brother’s in a different state by the way) Things go well for a while because he’s a nice guy, but then he brings his girlfriend into the mix. At first, it’s very subtle, she stops by every now and then. Now it’s become very frequent. She’s over every other day. The nicest thing to at least get on my good side would be to acknowledge my existence as a room mate that is paying his rent, but nope. She’s a complete free loader that is only staying here thanks to banging my room mate( the loud noises over the vents are proof enough they’re doing dirt) When I get home, I have to imagine the idea of someone already being their, taking my own parking space which I should have rights to in the first place. And then I have to share the bathroom with 2 people, instead of one person. Now she sleeps over every other night. We had a huge snowstorm, and my room mate(either madly in love or completely moronic) braved the harsh conditions just to go pick his girl up…..
So I fell for everyone that is put into this situation. I think what it will boil down to is I’ll tell the landowner at the end of my lease that I liked the place, but if I’m paying rent for an extra room mate, I’d rather take my chances in the smelly, freshman populated dorms any day of the week…
Im glad Im not the only one, I have a unique situation. My roomate started dating the neighbor on the otherside of our duplex. First off let me say that the only reason they are together is because I had the balls to go over and initiate contact with our neighbors. Well now they are in “love” and she is over twenty four seven. Even when he leaves for work she stays until her lazy ass gets out of bed. She showers and watches TV at our house! Even though her house is fucking 10 feet away. Thats the part that really gripes me. I had a partial understanding because Ive been in a situation where my girlfriend stayed over a lot. He was not my roomate at this time, but I let her sleep in occasionallly so she didnt have to DRIVE home right away. This bitch is literally 10 feet away! I mean come on. This really pisses me off, life was so much better when he wasnt pussy whipped by his girlfriend.
My other roomate has a GF but she is never over and is really good about not overstaying her welcome. Uggh and to top it off is I got this guy a job and am is manager at work. Its my family business and If I confront him it will make thinks akward at work. Well I moving out in a couple months thank god.
I have the same problem with my roomates girlfriend. I never thought I would actually hate someone as much as I do her. She is around 23 and still lives with her parents. So our place has turned into their “sanctuary” for her. I actually had a talk with him about it and thought things would actually change. I can see now that he is so goddamn whipped that he didn’t have the balls to reiterate to her what we talked about.
So now I decided to go the passive-aggressive route and to email him a link to this page and hopefully he gets the point. If not, I told him that the clock is ticking before I just tell her myself and make it super awkward. Well….for her and him, I am past the point of giving a fuck.
I have never hated anyone as much a my roomates girlfriend!! The worst part is that my roomate is also family!!!
I moved to my new apartment in May with my cousin! thought things would be cool! its hard enough living in a small space in manhattan, let alone living with family. But im easy to adjust and live with! My cousin has only been dating this girl 2 months prior to our move in date! he gave her a key the second day!!! Asshole! this girl is so gross! She never cleans up after her self! sleeps over 6 night out of the week! takes to long in the shower, and is not considerate of my time! she doesnt work and is only in school 1 day a week! She is 23 and a waste! i hate her! She always hangs out on my coach half naked!!! and laughs like a wild animal! she is so loud and slams the door all the time!!! i hate her! its starting to effect my relationship with my cousin!!!! i hate her!! i hate her!! i hate her so much!!!!
wow that felt good!!!!
I understand completely, my roommate started dating this barely legal girl who not only runs the house like her personal vacation paradise, but manages not to pay any rent, because he’s an asshole and apparently not really my friend at all, shithead. She pays not rent, not a dime.
ABC, your roomate is just like mine. Shit dude I’m sorry, I’m gonna take a vacation myself probably with family…. and a permanent one away from these nutcases. Emotionally needy men with pariah girlfriends, a bad combination.
Her name is Jessica or whatever the fuck.. and she is from Hell.
I have an emotionally needy roommate (a guy!) and his neediness and selfishness have pushed me to the point of “fuck you.” He has no respect for me as a roommate. All he cares about is feeding his emotional needs by doing things like getting a dog (a huge dog!) without telling me, having different girls over all of the time, and now that he’s finally dating one girl (who doesn’t trust him ’cause she knows that he has cheated on her) he gave her the key to our apartment, not only without talking to me about it, he did it after I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS NOT OK WITH IT! You see, these emotionally needy people are not deserving of the attention they supposedly “need.” They are quite often self-centered and then when they do things (as my pathetic roommate has done!) that are completely disrespectful to others around them, in an attempt to feed their “needs,” they have the audacity to victimize themselves as though they have done nothing at all. And that’s when they deserve a great, big “FUCK YOU.”
I have been dealing with this for 2 years. The most irritating part is that my roommate had the opportunity to move in with his girlfriend on 2 occasions. At 26 years old, I assumed he would move in with her, so I did not take the initiative to move out. Big mistake. That locked me in for another year of hell. It’s like having a seriously annoying needy girlfriend, but you don’t get to pound her for it. I am finally getting out in month.
I disagree that confrontation is the appropriate choice here, especially if you are friends with the roommate. Just hold your tongue, and get out of the situation as soon as possible. Then he and Needy will think you are a nice guy and you can always remember that he is a whipped, inconsiderate, selfish douche bag with an irritating wife. Confrontation will only make the 2 of them think you are the ass.
I am in the same boat as most of you all. The funny part is that I have been living on my own for 15 years and I have experienced this phenomenon three times.
First I will tell my latest story.
Moved away to go back to college to acquire a new career path. My best friend was broken up about it and kept bugging me to move back because I was his coolest friend blah blah blah.
I didn't like my program so I dropped out and moved back and who do you think I picked up as a roomy? Yeah the same guy. This guy is really chill but the very day I got back into town he brings his g/f over.
I didn't even know he had a g/f and I know he gets a little strange when it comes to girls. Anyhow so she spent the night and has not left for the last 18days. She has officially slept here more than I have. So yeah, the guy is totally pistol whipped and spend his entire time with her. He wanted me to invite a bunch of our mutual friends over for St Patty's Day. I invited about 20 people over and he spent the entire time in his room because his g/f didn't want to socialize with us.
He leaves for work and she stays here and watches tv and plays x360. She blares her music at 6am and the blender at 7am. She doesn't go to school nor does she have a job.
I did the natural thing and waited for everything to be corrected on its own but it has been 18days so I have begun to be a little more proactive about the entire situation and started to text message my roomy about her (because one cannot talk to him because she is with him 24/7)
She has her own place but chooses to hang here to avoid her roomies. Ohh the irony.
The fact of the matter is this people, there is no sense living in misery. You have the right to feel comfortable and safe in your own dwelling. Take the offensive early and let the roomy know that his kind of behaviour is not acceptable.
If you let sleeping dogs lye, then they get the idea that you are cool with what's going on. Remember that we all do stupid crap when we are in love and most of the time we are so pistol whipped and blind that we cannot see.
Best case scenario, he changes his ways
Worst case scenario you or him moves out ……and you can be free.
Keep your stick on the ice.