How to tell your roommate his girlfriend is a problem
Calling all you relationship experts! Our friend Matthew has raised a common problem and asks you to put on your Judge Judy robes again. Here’s Matt’s email. (And thanks for the nice words about our site.)
“Hey, first off, I just want to say I love this site and it helped a great deal during my search for an apartment (my roommate and I found a nice 2-bedroom in Astoria, Queens, New York). It really made it easier and not scary.
Anyway, I was thinking a good topic for an entry should be about the girlfriend/boyfriend of a roommate overstaying their welcome. My current roommate is single, but I’ve experienced this problem with another roommate and I think it’s a decent subject to talk about. For example, in college one of my roommate’s girlfriends basically lived in our small place, making it that much more cramped. She had her own place, but never stayed there because she was either A) in love that much or B) considered our place her “get away” from her own annoying roommates/living conditions. It was obviously B.
It was tough to approach my roommate about this because, after all, it was his lady love. I never said anything (I should have) and it sucked. She got up at 7:00am every morning and watched TV loud, she dyed her hair in my bathroom causing my eye to swell up from an allergic reaction and basically was a girl in a guy’s apartment, making privacy difficult. She really treated it like a vacation home,where rules didn’t apply.
I’ve talked to people and some have had the same problem with a girlfriend/boyfriend “moving” in. I use quotations because they keep all of their clothes/items/computer at their actual place – they just sleep, eat, watch TV, and hang out 24/7 at their significant others’. What is the best way an annoyed roommate can approach that without offending?”
I am in the same boat as most of you all. The funny part is that I have been living on my own for 15 years and I have experienced this phenomenon three times.
First I will tell my latest story.
Moved away to go back to college to acquire a new career path. My best friend was broken up about it and kept bugging me to move back because I was his coolest friend blah blah blah.
I didn't like my program so I dropped out and moved back and who do you think I picked up as a roomy? Yeah the same guy. This guy is really chill but the very day I got back into town he brings his g/f over.
I didn't even know he had a g/f and I know he gets a little strange when it comes to girls. Anyhow so she spent the night and has not left for the last 18days. She has officially slept here more than I have. So yeah, the guy is totally pistol whipped and spend his entire time with her. He wanted me to invite a bunch of our mutual friends over for St Patty's Day. I invited about 20 people over and he spent the entire time in his room because his g/f didn't want to socialize with us.
He leaves for work and she stays here and watches tv and plays x360. She blares her music at 6am and the blender at 7am. She doesn't go to school nor does she have a job.
I did the natural thing and waited for everything to be corrected on its own but it has been 18days so I have begun to be a little more proactive about the entire situation and started to text message my roomy about her (because one cannot talk to him because she is with him 24/7)
She has her own place but chooses to hang here to avoid her roomies. Ohh the irony.
The fact of the matter is this people, there is no sense living in misery. You have the right to feel comfortable and safe in your own dwelling. Take the offensive early and let the roomy know that his kind of behaviour is not acceptable.
If you let sleeping dogs lye, then they get the idea that you are cool with what's going on. Remember that we all do stupid crap when we are in love and most of the time we are so pistol whipped and blind that we cannot see.
Best case scenario, he changes his ways
Worst case scenario you or him moves out ……and you can be free.
Keep your stick on the ice.
I have been dealing with this for 2 years. The most irritating part is that my roommate had the opportunity to move in with his girlfriend on 2 occasions. At 26 years old, I assumed he would move in with her, so I did not take the initiative to move out. Big mistake. That locked me in for another year of hell. It’s like having a seriously annoying needy girlfriend, but you don’t get to pound her for it. I am finally getting out in month.
I disagree that confrontation is the appropriate choice here, especially if you are friends with the roommate. Just hold your tongue, and get out of the situation as soon as possible. Then he and Needy will think you are a nice guy and you can always remember that he is a whipped, inconsiderate, selfish douche bag with an irritating wife. Confrontation will only make the 2 of them think you are the ass.
I have an emotionally needy roommate (a guy!) and his neediness and selfishness have pushed me to the point of “fuck you.” He has no respect for me as a roommate. All he cares about is feeding his emotional needs by doing things like getting a dog (a huge dog!) without telling me, having different girls over all of the time, and now that he’s finally dating one girl (who doesn’t trust him ’cause she knows that he has cheated on her) he gave her the key to our apartment, not only without talking to me about it, he did it after I TOLD HIM THAT I WAS NOT OK WITH IT! You see, these emotionally needy people are not deserving of the attention they supposedly “need.” They are quite often self-centered and then when they do things (as my pathetic roommate has done!) that are completely disrespectful to others around them, in an attempt to feed their “needs,” they have the audacity to victimize themselves as though they have done nothing at all. And that’s when they deserve a great, big “FUCK YOU.”
I understand completely, my roommate started dating this barely legal girl who not only runs the house like her personal vacation paradise, but manages not to pay any rent, because he’s an asshole and apparently not really my friend at all, shithead. She pays not rent, not a dime.
ABC, your roomate is just like mine. Shit dude I’m sorry, I’m gonna take a vacation myself probably with family…. and a permanent one away from these nutcases. Emotionally needy men with pariah girlfriends, a bad combination.
Her name is Jessica or whatever the fuck.. and she is from Hell.